2014 How I Stopped the War on People

 2014 How I Stopped the War on People

Changing Conflict and argument into Care and Consideration

I remember when I first started vlogging and blogging in the beginning stages of walking my process of investigating the mind, investigating reality and finding solutions for the problems that I as an individual face within myself in terms of my emotional and mental experiences and the problems that we as a collective face in this world, such as poverty, starvation, rape, murder, etcetera - whenever someone would comment on a vlog that I had made or a blog that I had written that from my perspective didn't immediately give off the 'vibe' that they agree with what I had to say, I went into heavy reactions of anger, which I experienced within myself as this stance of 'righteousness', wherein I felt like I was this crusader out to defend the truth against all who opposed it. 'The truth' being that which I at the time believed about reality.

Then from the starting point of that internal reaction to the comment of the specific person, I would start activating thoughts in my mind at a very fast pace of all the things that I could say to this person to disprove their stance and to prove that my point which I was conveying and sharing was 'right' and that they are 'wrong'. In my mind I would have these entire speeches at the ready that were the product of my desire to just find a way to get this person to see and realize and understand that their view and understanding of reality has all along been 'wrong' and that what I am showing and telling them is 'right' -- wherein I was basically almost expecting some kind of 'revelation' to take place within this person, and for them to go 'Oh My God! You are absolutely right! I cannot believe how lost I was in my own beliefs and thoughts! Thank you so much for showing me the light, Oh Great Master!'.

This reaction within myself of anger and frustration when someone didn't immediately agree with me, which I would within my mind always interpret and experience as a blatant attack of my words, my opinions and my person, wouldn't only take place in online discussions and conversations, but also occurred in my home environment with the people close to me. I would get into many heated discussions with my mother and her partner, whom I lived with at the time, and with my friends and family members, wherein the starting point of the discussion that always turned into arguing was that I was trying to defend myself against a perceived enemy based on the idea and belief in my mind that they are against me as what I am expressing in my words, which was mostly some statement that I had made about 'how things are', like about how politics and the economy should be changing and how people should change because the world is going to hell, etcetera -- just because they didn't immediately say 'wow Kim, yes I see now! You are so absolutely right! Thank you for sharing this insight with me and please help me to change!'.

This tendency of being so reactive towards people in relation to discussing matters of the world didn't only come up at that specific time in my life when I started walking my process of Self-Change, even though it may have appeared that way, because I was getting into arguments with people in my immediate environment as well as online almost on a daily bases -- within my quest to 'defend and spread the truth', which was in other words my quest to push and force my personal agenda onto everyone else from the starting point of believing that I am 'right' and that everyone who doesn't agree with me is 'wrong' and so now I must 'fight' for what is 'right' and wherein I wasn't aware that, from an observers perspective, I was kind of turning into a little dictator on a small scale in my relationships with the people in my small world of influence.

That reactive and self-righteous nature was actually already existent within myself ever since I became a teenager and had acquired some reasoning and logical thinking skills and so from the age that I was able to form 'thought-constructs' in my own head through connecting information that I had learned and picked up in my world and environment -- that had now become 'my information', 'my opinions' and 'my perspectives' which I believed contained my 'identity' as a being, a belief that explains why I felt like I had to defend those opinions and perspectives against all those who might question or criticize them. It was however only once I started exploring information and ways of looking at reality that was different from what I had learned and come in contact with in my life so far, that this little self-righteousness demon in the mind became visible and was lured out of its lair - because what I found is that as long as the information that I identify myself with is the same or similar to that of the people in my environment, then we will agree on pretty much everything, because we think alike  - but from the moment that there is a shift in that information, when for instance one person comes in contact with a specific group in 'the world out there' who present different information in the form of opinions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, then conflict arises because now there are differences of opinions coming up.

It’s the same phenomenon that plays out between people from different cultures, families, religions, ages and other types of backgrounds. There is essentially just a difference in information contained in the mind of these individuals - depending on the environment that they grew up in - and so a difference in values, norms and beliefs in relation to reality, which often then makes way for conflict to arise between people from different backgrounds as each individual is in defence mode in relation to the information they believe represents and defines 'who they are' within and as their mind.

So basically in those beginning stages of walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I felt like my relationships with the people around me was like a war-zone and like I had to fight people - because I was fighting for the information that I had at that time come in contact with and that I had now come to identify myself with, which was information in relation to why one should walk a process of Self-Change, why the world needs Change, why people need to Change, etcetera --- and so basically I was fighting for my existence and survival as an 'Identity' - this 'Identity' being a system/construct of information in the Mind.

How I over time as I furthered into walking my actual process of Self-Change and Self-Realization changed this inner nature of reactive self-righteousness in relation to other people and specifically in relation to myself as who I believe I am and what information of and within myself as my Mind I believe must be defended - is through having first of all realized and taken my responsibility for my own mind, meaning that I not only became aware of how my experience that other people were 'attacking me' when they  were 'not agreeing with me', was in fact more my own perception of the situation that was coming from and existed within the Ego within my mind wherein I had defined myself within specific 'opinions' and information about 'reality', but I also changed this attackative relationship with other people in my internal and external reality.

In other words, a very valuable gift that I have learned in this process is to be humble in my expression towards other people and to, when I see that reaction coming up within myself where I want to go into a fighting mode towards another person, which is a specific conflictual experience within myself - rather than expressing myself from that experience and actually going into conflict with another person, I stop myself and apply the realization and understanding that this perceived 'conflict' in relation to this other person and their words is nothing personal but is actually rather a consequence of the fact that we both come from different backgrounds and we use different vocabulary and words to describe and define different things.

This means that I have to now become firstly honest with myself about the words that this person is using that I am reacting to within myself because somewhere along the line I have accepted and allowed myself to define those words as 'bad' and 'negative', because it is those internal definitions of words that I am actually reacting to with resistance and not so much to the person themselves. And then from that starting point of clearing my own prejudices and judgments of words, I can start seeing beyond the words and start investigating who this person really is as a being within the words that they speak - considering that they may use different words to describe the exact same thing as what I am describing and speaking about, just because those are the words that they have learned throughout their life to form part of their vocabulary and so that is what they will use to describe who they are within themselves and to express themselves within. So it Is up to me now to find that starting point of firstly what this being is really expressing and secondly where the vocabulary and the words that they use actually come from.

Because, we human beings are in a way systems of information and the information that we will express is the information that we have throughout our lives come in contact with and aligned ourselves with. So if I go and just react to someone because I don't personally like the words that they are expressing and how they are expressing themselves within and as the words they speak, then I am in fact reacting from the most superficial layer of my own mind wherein I do not see this process that I have walked myself in my life in relation to learning specific words and aligning myself with specific words that I have throughout my life come in contact with - and so I will also not see that process within another.

What I found for myself is that to start seeing that process within another, meaning the process that they have walked to become who they are and how they express themselves in the words that they speak - is where you make a shift within yourself from being and existing as an Ego within the superficial layers of the system of information that is the Mind, to existing within a genuine Care and Consideration for other beings. And that is where real communication with others can start forming - as communication will now not  be from the starting point of internal reactions but from the starting point of really getting to know a person and finding ways to start understanding a person and to start speaking to and with who they are as a being within themselves and so not the system of information that they have become throughout their lifetime here on earth. And that is a gift that can only start unfolding once you allow yourself to be open when communicating with another being, where you look past your own internal reactions and you stand within the realization that this other being's expression is one and equal with your own expression - they are just using a different vocabulary to express who they are. So, the words may be different and the 'system of information' that is being expressed may be different, but the being at the core of it is one and equal with ourselves.

There is a Free Online Course - DIP Lite - that will assist and support you to start walking the first steps in the process of investigating and understanding who you are within and as the System of Information as the mind -- and so to start understanding why and how it is that we sometimes go into conflict and arguments with other people based on and because of the words that are being spoken, as a consequence of us not actually understanding who we are within the words that we speak.

2014 Changing A Fear-Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 4

This blog is a continuation in my Journey and Process of practically, physically changing a Fear-Reaction towards A Person in my environment. In this process I have already walked through three layers within and of the mind in relation to this experience of Fear that I had initially identified within myself towards an individual in my immediate physical environment. Those three steps that I have walked through in writing and applying the tools of self-honesty, self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - can be found Here.

Basically, what i have been doing within walking these 'steps' of Changing a Fear reaction, is that, each time that I investigated a layer in and of my mind that I identified as specific thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences in relation to an individual in my environment - I then in the next step firstly reassessed the previous step and my actual effectiveness in applying the Correction/Change of the specific mind-pattern that I had identified, because I want to make sure that the process of Self-Change that I am busy walking here is not just empty words that look nice 'on paper', but that there is actual Self-Change manifesting. After all, it is only through 'checking', cross-referencing, assessing and reassessing myself, that I ensure for and as myself that I am actually doing what it is that I set out to do.

After this reassessment, I looked again at my relationship with this specific individual in my world and reality and investigated if and where there still exist experiences within myself and what those experiences are --- which I would then write out and change/correct through applying the tools of self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and self-evaluation.

So, here within this fourth step, I will be looking at the overall effectiveness of and within the process that I have walked thus far - and specifically I will be identifying where and how it is that I have changed and where and how I have not changed -- from where then I will again have a starting point to continue walking this process.

In terms of why it is that this process is ongoing and not a 'clear-cut' one-step self-transformation - is because this one point that I had identified within myself, as this experience of fear in relation to a person in my physical environment, does not 'stand alone' within myself -- it is intertwined and interconnected with the rest of me, being my entire mind, conscious, subconscious and unconscious. So, as I started walking this process of changing seemingly only one point within my mind, in fact I was peeling off a layer within and of that one point, to see and discover more dimensions of how this point exists within myself that I had not considered when I initially started looking into it.

So, when I look at the process that i have walked so far, in writing and in physical correction and application - and I have a look at how and where it is that I have in fact changed myself within my experience and expression towards this specific individual and where it is that I have not changed - then I can see that:

Where I have Changed

On a physical level, the intense reaction of fear/anxiety energy in my chest area has dissipated. Before, there was a physical energy experience in my stomach area and my chest area that I experienced when I saw X, where I would go into a ‘cringing’ within myself – where now, the intense energy in my chest and stomach area has largely subsided, I no longer ‘cringe’ --- and what I still do experience is an energetic movement in the center of myself, in my solar plexus, more on a deeper level within myself.

Another point that changed is the relationship point of which I had written down the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction statements in the second step – where I would feel inferior towards her because of seeing that she has a relationship and then measuring her ‘value’ in comparison to me according to the fact that she has a relationship and I do not. So now when I see her, alone or with her partner, I do not react to this point anymore as I see, realize and understand that the point of ‘having a relationship’ is not what defines her as an individual being – and that I had created the experience of inferiority towards her myself by having accepted and allowed a value-system to exist within myself based on my personal desire for a relationship wherein I judged her from the starting point of that personal value-system.

So what changed is the general feeling of inferiority towards her, and the backchat that flowed from that, where I would for instance go into thoughts of ‘it’s not fair that she has a relationship and I don’t’, and from that backchat I would go into a reaction of spitefulness and anger, and then guilt, and then fear again, etcetera. That cycle is gone within my experience towards her.

This would be the first step, where I did the practical real-time self forgiveness in a moment when I saw her and the experience of inferiority came up within myself, along with the hidden judgments about her ‘relationship status’ compared to mine – so, this is a cool cross reference point for me to see that this step was effective --- that now, those specific thoughts and experiences are no longer here and that in fact I have changed in my experience of ‘who I am’ in relation to her.

In the third step within this process, in my writing I had a look at specific memories that came up within my subconscious mind when I saw X, that were at the origin of an experience within myself wherein, every time I looked at X, within my mind, I would subconsciously categorize and judge her as a ‘cool’ girl and would, in comparison, feel inferior towards her by thinking that ‘I am not cool like her’. Where, the judgment of ‘coolness’ was based specifically on the point of her receiving attention from males. And so, these memories that I had investigated within my writing, of my school years where I faced similar thoughts and experiences within myself of inferiority towards specific girls in my class, were part of the underlying personality structure behind the experiences within myself that I had been able to pinpoint in the first step within this process.

And, after having walked through the self forgiveness and self-corrective process of this specific personality structure, connected with these memories  - the point that changed within how I would experience myself in relation to X was this point where I would look up to her and give her a specific ‘position’ within a ‘social hierarchy’ that I had created within my mind, for instance where I would judge and define her as a ‘cool girl’, in comparison with other people who I would classify within my mind as ‘not cool’ (entirely based on the point of ‘relationships’). This meant that now I was seeing her more as who she is as a being, no superior or inferior to me and I was thus more relaxed and comfortable in her presence as now I saw, realized and understood that I do not need her ‘friendship’/’companionship’ and I don’t need her to ‘notice’ or ‘accept’ me so that I could in some way think and believe that I am ‘more’/’superior’ – because, she is in fact a being that exists Here, just like me.

    Where I haven't Changed

The second step that I had walked was the written self forgiveness and self corrective statements in relation to a personality system that activated within myself each time that I am around her, consisting of thoughts of insecurity with regards to whether or not she likes me, within and as an energetic polarity of desire to be liked by her and fear that she doesn’t like me. And, within approaching her this time, I could see that the thoughts that would still trigger an emotional reaction of tension, anxiety and fear within myself, were those thoughts in relation to wanting her to like me, for instance ‘what am I going to say to her?’, ‘what if I say something weird and she will think that I am weird and then she will reject me within her thoughts’ – connected with imagination that pops up of projections in my mind of my fears where I imagine myself going up to her and not knowing what to say and I see within her face that she is feeling uncomfortable in relation to me and therein within her mind is deciding that she ‘doesn’t like me’.

So, basically, the point where I am not standing as authority towards within my mind – is the future projections --- because, from the moment that those future projections of my fears come up in my mind, I step into a form of panic reaction within myself, wherein I feel as though I have no ground to stand on, no stability in the moment that is Here and all that exist within me is that fear of the future - fear that my fear, as depicted within the future projection within my mind, may play out in the future, if I were to for instance step up to her in the moment with the intention of communicating/speaking with her.

Where, within this future projection within my mind exist the belief/idea about myself that ‘I will Fail if I try to communicate/speak to people’, where thus actually the ‘fear of X not liking me’ within and as a future projection in my mind, is in fact a ‘fear of failing’. Which would explain why I ‘did not get the point’ within the process that I had walked of written self forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and why these specific experiences were still Here --- as there was a ‘hidden point’ behind what I was directly seeing within myself.

So - to summarize:

·         What did change?

• The physical reaction of a cringing in stomach and chest area

• The emotional reaction of fear upon seeing her

• The experience of desire to be her friend and to be accepted by her

• The experience of inferiority towards her and the comparison in my mind based on the point of ‘having a relationship’ that was connected to it

·         What didn’t change?

• The experience of anxiety, tension and fear that comes up in the moment where I want to go up to her and have a conversation with her - specifically triggered by thoughts in relation to a fear of Failing

What is the next step?

Now that I have this evaluation and assessment of my process of changing a fear reaction towards a person in real-time written down, in the next step I can take this information - specifically the points wherein I had noticed that I had not changed within my experience in relation to this specific individual and wherein I in other words did not yet establish myself as the directive principle of who i am in relation to my own thoughts and reactions that would come up within my mind when I am in their presence - and then I again look at how i can practically apply and manifest a Real-Time Change within and as myself so that I can in fact stand within myself as a point of authority in relation to who I choose to be within myself in my interactions with my world and reality.

To be Continued...