2011 thoughts, a road extensively travelled

a thought is like a road that is presented to me in my mind as the thought comes up in a moment. i then react to the thought with the desire to follow that road that the thought is presenting, for example a thought of self forgiveness.
a thought will come up of a point that i can do self forgiveness on, a line that i can say, and then me i react to that thought with an energetic 'uplifting' as a hope that this thought will lead me somewhere.
the thought promises me that if i follow it, i will reach an experience, i will obtain/attain something and so time and time again i will follow the thought, getting exactly the experience that it promised.

i ve come to trust my thoughts extensively, they ve always told me what to do, what to say, where to go and i followed them because i believed that they can be trusted, i believed that my thoughts are here to protect me, they know best.

thoughts always know best, they always know all about whats going to happen if i do this or say that in this moment, they always have these projections of the future, of how i am going to experience myself when i do this or say that. they seem to be allknowing.
and i believed it, so i followed my thoughts' advice. i did what they told me to do and i didnt do what they told me not to.

but, looking back on my life, all i see is me in a fucked up experience, in fear, depression, self judgement, shame, fear, anxiety, that was stopping me from expressing myself. i always existed in fear of expressing myself.
i was always listening to my thoughts, suppressing me in the moment. my thoughts, that know best, going like 'hey, lets think about this for a moment' 'what will happen to you if you say something now, if you say this or that, if you do this or that' and then my thoughts would come up with all these projections of the future of why i should not do it and then me, i go 'oh yes you re right, it s too risky'.

eventually everything becomes too risky, and i end up doing and saying nothing, never really expressing myself because of all the risks that are involved. risks of feeling bad, disappointed, sad, ashamed. risks of a negative experience.
i never realized though that it is the very thoughts that are already making me feel bad, i am already judging myself in my mind, even before i do anything at all, so it is a vicious circle of me following the thought because it apparently wants to protect me from experiencing.... itself. it wants to protect me from its judgements that will make me feel bad.
this is just too crazy, and because of this, thoughts cannot be trusted, they are deceptive and all they do is keep me turning in circles in the mind, always trapped in the experiences that it presents, always only following the roads that it presents, like a prison that apparently exists 'for my own good' and 'for my own protection'.

bullshit! in fact thoughts is like a machine with one purpose only: keeping itself alive, so obviously it will ensure that i only follow the thoughts, that i keep reacting to the thoughts and

that i stay stuck in the endless mind loops of always the same experiences. it will make sure that i never realize myself within the freedom of the moment, because it is within freedom and openness as the moment here that a realization is able to be made, that reality is able to be seen and realized, as something 'new', not a re-chewed past experience.

though my thoughts are not to blame, because why are thoughts even able to exist? because i keep participating in them. and when i look at thoughts as the roads presented to me offering me a 'grand experience' if i follow them, then i have to admit that thoughts in essence are the spawn of my own desire for fame, my desire to reach/attain something greater/higher/better. though this desire seems to have gone and live a life of its own as thoughts, within total separation of myself, wherein i am not aware that these thoughts is just me as the desire that i ve allowed to exist within myself.




If you are ready to face yourself as the deception of the mind and write yourself to freedom, re birthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsibility for life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.




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2011 The design of desire

Desire is an experience that all humans have within themselves, yet we each individually identify ourselves with our 'own' desires and we judge ourselves for participating in particular desires. What's interesting about desire is that we all have it, it is like a system that is prone to the human mind, the 'human condition'. So, therefore, it is a specific design, that is part of the mind, that is also a design (because we all experience thoughts, feelings and emotions therefore this is a specific design because every human being has it, as how the human was created according to the 'design' of the human being)

The point is to realize that desire is but a part of the human condition, however, this human condition as a designed system, is not who i truly am, it is just a system, neither bad nor good, but just a system and i am not a system, i am life. So, do not react, do not judge when you notice that you have allowed yourself to be directed by a desire, because by not reacting you are making a statement for yourself that 'yes, i have participated in desire, however i realize that this is not who i am, so it doesn't mean anything'.

By allowing yourself to react with judgements and guild and shame to yourself after you acted out the desire, then you are stating 'yes, i am but a victim of the human condition, i am but a designed system that is weak and easily directed by an (apparent) outside source'. And because you make this statement within yourself of yourself, you are in this setting yourself up for another fall, wherein you will, again, experience yourself as 'weak' and 'powerless' because of how you look down on yourself by judging yourself. this self judgement is a form of self punishment, based on the belief that desire is 'bad'.

When we would look self honestly at this belief, doesn't it remind us of religion? Where it is Satan who will lead humanity into temptations and it is the 'duty' of the human being to 'do the right thing/be good' by resisting the temptations and then they will be accepted by God. Though they may deny it, subconsciously this belief exist even in the biggest atheists. Because this is what we humans do, we fight our desires, we judge them, we judge ourselves as 'weak' and we feel bad about ourselves when we participate in it. So, though we may not yet be aware of it, the Bible and its message actually forms a big part of the 'basic workings' of the human mind. For example it forms the way we (subconsciously) look at and react to the word 'desire', believing it to be something 'bad', thus subconsciously resisting the desires that exist within ourselves.

However, it is interesting that, on the other hand, we also seem to believe that desire is what makes us human. The fact that we 'want/need/desire' is what we call 'life/living/being alive'. What this states in relation to the whole bible-experience, is that we actually see ourselves as 'unworthy beings', that will never truly be accepted by God (=the universe, the All, Allah, nature, the Eternal,...), because we have been tempted by Satan and we continuously allow ourselves to be tempted by desire (=Satan), thus we are 'weak' and actually not worthy of the 'Kingdom of Heaven' , left here to spend our days within the 'human experience' that is hell, wherein we live consumed by guilt, regret and self judgement (=self punishment).

Even those claiming to 'not believe in God', believe this on a subconscious level. They believe themselves to be the victim of desire just like any God-fanatic. We all believe ourselves to be the victims of this reality, the victims of our own desires, as if they were in fact Satan luring us, tempting us, pulling us, with us fighting, resisting, running, though eventually giving up/in.

But what we re not aware of, is that it is the very act of judging the desires, seeing them as 'Satan/bad', that makes it so difficult for us to not participate in them and that makes it so easy for us to fall. And we do 'fall', time and time again. because reacting to something by for example judging it, makes that something look more important and more powerful than it actually is. By reacting to something, you give it attention, thus you give it 'life', you bring it into existence. So by even just thinking that desire exist and is able to 'take you over', you are actually in fact creating desire by giving it attention through thought. In this we are God, we are our own God, creating everything in creation through thoughts, reactions and feelings.

You are your own Satan, tempting and seducing yourself, because you are not willing to embrace desire as yourself, as your own design. You are not willing to embrace Satan as yourself. though as long as we re not willing to embrace Satan, we will never get to embrace God, that is also ourselves.



If you are ready to face yourself as the deception of the mind and write yourself to freedom, re birthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsibility for life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.




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2011 fear of dying unraveled

a thing that motivates me to be dishonest in this reality, to lie, to manipulate, to cheat, just so that i would 'get' something in this world, be it money or friends and companions or to be accepted by some group, is fear of death and dying.

the belief that 'i must stay alive at whatever costs' and this 'whatever costs' can be for instance pretty severe lying to and manipulating of other people, because apparently i 'have to' do that otherwise some 'bad' things might happen to me in the future.

i exist to ensure my future, to ensure that i will still be alive in the future because 'still being alive in the future', is what fear of dying is all about.

so why do i fear dying? i fear dying because of things that i ve heard about dying, .. and they were all negative. i ve for instance heard from someone that 'you are so screwed if you allow yourself to die' or that you can go to hell when you die. or that when you die, the body is still aware, so you will feel the maggots underground gnawing at your feet, etc. there exist a general fear of dying within reality, a fear that i ve encountered within my parents and family. when somebody dies, people get weird, they dont know what to say, they feel awkward, they behave as though something so absolutely awful and terrible has just happened that we cannot even talk about it in a normal way. and i ve noticed that, when someone dies, actually secretly we're all thinking 'thank got that it wasn't me' and 'thank god that that didn't happen to my family', which is why we have such a hard time talking about it when someone has died, because there is so much secret selfish backchat going on, that all has to do with each beings personal fear of dying and being faced and confronted with death.

so, when it comes to death, i ve learned not to talk about it, to just not mention it, because talking about death is somehow 'inappropriate' because people don't like to think about death, they don't like to be confronted with the fact that one day they will die, one day we will all die, it's a natural thing.
this only shows that clearly we are living our lives within and as the deliberate denial of death, as a natural inevitable thing that will happen to all of us sooner or later.
people want to feel good, and when you bring up death in a conversation, it makes them feel 'not so good', it makes us feel uneasy. so this means that feeling good is actually denying what is REAL, because we can only feel good when we don't talk about what is real, which is death for instance, or other things that are real and that we best not mention too much in 'feel good'-conversations are war, starving children in Africa, animal/child abuse, people that have been marginalized by the system forcing them to live on the streets and that don't have a future, etc...

i mean, this is the actual real physical reality, things that are happening in this world as we speak, and that is the only thing that we cannot really speak about. we can make 'chitchat' but talking about what is actually going on in reality, forget it.
because reality and the real situation of this world reminds us too much of death.

so, what do i fear about dying? what could be so 'bad' about dying. for some reason i seem to think and believe that dying is a 'bad' thing, as in 'i'm not allowed/supposed to die', i HAVE TO stay alive. which is actually strange, because i will die eventually.

and what does dying actually mean? dying means being alone with myself, returning to 'the source', losing everything, being in the great void... so what i am afraid of is ME, my experience when i'm dead, which is HELL. my own self created hell as the experience that exist and that could exist within myself. i mean, aside from what people have told me about dying, in the end, when i die, i will just be with me, alone, and it wont matter what anyone has told me about dying, that it is bad or that i will end up in hell or be eternally screwed or whatever. no matter how long i ve been postponing death in my lifetime, death will be a reality, so 'hell' will be a reality, when i ve died, hell or heaven, it all depends on me. death will show me who i truly am, the experience of myself 'dead', will reveal to me who i am inside, as that which has always been there, underneath the sur'face' of the physical reality, underneath all of those 'good feelings'.

it is not acceptable in any way to fear dying, to live in fear of death, because clearly, death is me, i will be with me when i ve died, only with me. so, it is unacceptable to be afraid of me. because, consider this: i will live maybe up to 90 years on this earth, within the human physical body, seemingly 'with other people', and then i will spend an ETERNITY in death, alone with me, and that's a hell of a lot longer than the time that i spent here in the physical, pretending that i am not alone, which is what every human being actually believes: that we are not alone.
no, we are apparent identities and personalities that are in constant relation to other people like family and friends. 'we' are a 'group', a society/family/friends/country/etc... if you look at people, all they do is form groups and then express themselves AS that group. for instance a religion, the people 'in' the religious group will express themselves within and as the beliefs and opinions of the group. they will not express themselves as a being that stand alone, no they have in fact 'become' the group, believing that they are not alone. but then, inevitably, death comes, and will come as a surprise and a shock for people, because it will show us that we ARE alone and we've actually always been alone.

i mean, i m not saying that groups aren't real, i m saying that it is cool to be in a group and to participate in a group of people, as beings that simply come together, but only from the perspective of standing within and as the absolute realization that in essence you are alone, this is where you came from and where you will return to in death: yourself. standing as this realization you wont easily define yourself to or 'give up your life' for a group, for 'other people', as something that is apparently 'outside of yourself', you wont easily be led into acts where you compromise yourself for the sake of 'what the group wants' because you would realise that, when you die and thus return to self, you'll have to live with the decisions that you made, so if you've compromised yourself for something that was never actually real from the perspective that it just 'vanishes' at death, then you'll be faced with your disrespect towards yourself and you'll have to find a way to forgive yourself and live with yourself alone again.

so from this perspective: death will be hell if you have in fact been dishonest towards yourself within your physical life, if you have allowed yourself to participate within the illusion that you are apparently 'not alone' and when you have, within that, 'given yourself away' to a group so you could 'belong to the group' and get support from the group because you feared death as being alone with you. this is the real hell: when you then have to face yourself before yourself when you've died (which, again, is inevitable).
i mean, in my life, my worst fear has been to be alone with myself, and i found that normal, because the beings around me like my parents and friends, my apparent reality supported this fear and they supported the idea that 'i am not really alone', they made it seem as though mommy and daddy will always be here to take care of me, to comfort me, to protect me,...
this is why it would hurt so much to lose a parent or a family member, because i ve allowed myself to actually believe that they would be with me 'forever', never realizing and accepting the reality of death... because nobody ever told me about what reality really is. my parents would just sort of brainwash me into believing that i am 'their little girl', that 'they created me' and that i am completely linked to them and dependent on them and so they are apparently a 'part of who i am', a belief system that is actually responsible for so much suffering in this world because we believe that we actually lose a part of ourselves when we lose a parent or someone that we've created a 'link'/relationship with.

it's interesting that this fear of dying is our biggest fear and the thing that we're trying to ignore and escape from the most in our world, but it is also the only real reality, it is the only thing that is a fact, a certainty, an inevitability.
it seems so crazy that i've ever feared death and that i have accepted this as my experience of life and living, because what is more absurd then to fear something that is going to happen anyways, it's just nature. just goes to show how disconnected i was from nature and reality. and if i am not (connected to) nature/reality, then what the hell am i?

this is really fucked up, people!!! it is about time that we start to understand this, that we start to actually look at where our fears come from, because for instance our biggest fear, fear of dying, is the greatest illusion/joke of all times, because why the hell should we fear death? give me one reason! fearing death is like not accepting life/existence, because this is what exist: we live, we die, and that's it. who are we to say or think that this isn't good or ok? who are we to say that death and dying is 'bad'? who are we to judge existence? because that would imply that we are 'above' life, when we are clearly not, because we are very much subjected to the rules of life which is 'you live', 'you die'.

for some reason, we ve created this idea/belief that 'life' is better than 'death', that when you are 'alive', you are 'better' or 'more' than if you were dead, which is the basis for our fear of dying. not realizing obviously that such a belief system can only exist when you are 'alive' within the physical reality, because then you have a mind, you can think and feel, you can react to what your eyes see, so you can believe in shit. but when you're dead all this would not even exist, you would not be 'less' then when you were alive, you'd just be dead. you'd probably just realize that all those things that you believed in when 'alive', weren't even real in the first place.

so, people, let's be real specific within asking ourselves where this fear of dying comes from, that makes us do the most idiotic and self-compromising things. lets research the real reality that is here under our very noses and that tells us how and what things really are and how and what life really is in spite of what our parents/family/religion/... have told us. let us dare to face life that is here as that which we've always disregarded and ignored and let us dare to question ourselves and our accepted reality as belief systems and fears.


If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsability for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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2011 what would the world be like if you were the example of every existing human being in the world?

it is an interesting point to look at that every human being believe that if everyone else were more like 'me', the world would be such a better place.

obviously you have the activists and the spiritualists and the religious followers of all the different types of religions there exist, which are the people who are most noticeably professing that they are 'right' and that everyone who is not like them (who does not believe what they do and who does not look and behave like they do)are 'wrong' and should become like them.
but then there is the 'normal' people, just living their 'normal' lives, living up to the generally accepted 'norm' of society of what it means to be a 'good person/citizen/human', but who also within their own lives live out a certain set of beliefsystems about reality and about what it means to 'live a good life' and to be 'good' and 'right' that are supported within the relationships that they form as friendships. within the relationships that they form with other beings they will share their opinions and views on what reality apparently is, believing that these opinions and views shared within the group of friends, are 'right'. they judge and reject the people that do not share these views and opinions or views and opinions that are similar to theirs, only really communicating with their 'friends' as the group that support each others views and opinions about what reality apparently is and how it should be.

which is actually exactly what the religious, spiritual, activist,... people are doing, only less fanatic.

so, in reality, because of this fact: that every human being in this world has their own idea and belief of what is right and wrong and what should be done and what the world and people should be like, and they live their lives according to these beliefs and ideas and perceptions about reality and people, obviously each and every human being believe themselves to be the example of how and who every human being should be, and we all believe individually that if everyone were like me, the world would be a better place.

so, a question: if we are all, according to ourselves, living the 'right' and the 'good' way, then why is this world not a better place?
how come this world isn't good and right according to the example of us, 'good' beings, which is each of us, within our own mind, believing ourselves to be 'good' and 'right' and to be doing the 'good' and 'right' things?

obviously the answer of every person to this question would be: 'because it is other people who dont know what they're doing!', 'it is all those religious people, it is al quaida, it is the governments and politicians that are corrupt, it is the banks that are cheaters and liars, it is the corporations, it is the system, the schools, the teachers, other parents, etc', 'me, i am doing my best, i am being good, doing the right thing, so if everyone would be more like me, there'd be no problems'.


ok, lets do that for a moment: let's imagine that all beings are like you, like 'me'/'I'. so based on the answer you gave to my previously asked question, that means that all beings would be blaming and pointing fingers and judging all existing structures and beings that exist in the world, because that is exactly what you are doing. it means that no one would be taking responsability for anything that exist because only 'I'/'me' is good and all that agrees with me, but all the rest is bad and corrupt. now you may say 'but, if everyone were like me, all would agree with me, so all would be good'

in this though, you seem to be missing the point that who you are as a being is defined by how you express yourself in the world as it currently exists and as how it has been existing since you were born, because you as a being have been ‘raised’ within this world, you have been fed by this world, you participate in this world, everything of who you are is determined by the structures that exist within this world. So therefore you cannot just see yourself as somehow ‘separate’ from the rest of reality.
So who you are as how you express yourself within and as this world, is a being that do not take any real responsibility for all that exist, for all of reality, because all you do is blame. So therefore, if all beings were like you, no one would be taking any responsibility for what is happening in reality as a whole, no one would apply themselves to actually create a world that truly is ‘good’ and ‘right’ as who and how you believe yourself to be. And that is exactly what is going on in the world today, because the shocking truth : is that everyone IS like you, in that we all believe that we are not self responsible for what exist in this world that we exist in.
So we must first investigate what it means and implies to truly stand as the example of the human being, to truly stand within and as the absolute certainty that, if all were like me, then there would be no problems in the world.



If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsability for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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2011 the illusion of comparison

in my life i've extensively been comparing myself with other people. i ve always looked at other people living their lives, often wondering 'why can't i be like that? Why isn't my life 'perfect' like theirs? Why aren't i having fun like they are?'. i saw all of the things that they had and i did not, like a relationship, lots of friends, a charismatic and charming personality, social skills, spontaneity, good looks, and i asked 'why?!' to god or whoever was responsible for my apparent 'shit' experience within my life, 'why is life so unfair?' i asked.

within this process of realising myself as life thru self forgiveness and self honesty i was doing exactly the same thing: comparing myself with the other beings in process and seeing all the things that they seem to do 'better' or 'faster' than me. i was looking at their process and their 'skills' and applications and often it made me feel lost and doubtful about my own application. which is basically what i ve been experiencing my entire life.

and then i wake up one day, finding myself in a job that i dont like but have to do, afraid of the world, locking myself up in my home, afraid of people and myself, feeling lonely and feeling as though i have no capabilities and have absolutely no practical skills in this reality. obviously my first reaction is to look at other people and go 'why can't i be like that? Why can't my life work out like that? Why, why, why...'. but then, while applying self forgiveness on this point of feeling inferior and lost and incapable, i realised an eye-opening point, i realised that all i ve been doing my whole life is looking at other people's lives. i ve never been aware within the steps i made within my life that led me to whare i stand at this moment because i was too busy minding my bussiness with other people's steps.

and within this comparing myself, i'm actually keeping myself from even noticing my own life and what is happening to it and what i am doing. i m not noticing that these moments wherein i could be taking my life into my own hands and actually 'make it work' by being aware of the moment and the consequences of the steps that i am taking in the moment, what i m actually doing is blindly following someone else who is now apparently taking responsability for my life so that i can spend all of my time comparing myself and my life that is passing me by to other people's lives, feeling sorry for myself, not realising that this is how i am actually creating the 'mess' that is my life, that i then compare to someone else's life, like a vicious circle.

i can apparently use this 'comparing myself to others' as an excuse for not taking responsability for my life, because as long as i m looking at someone else, i m not looking at and seeing myself, thus not seeing my responsability towards myself as my life in every moment of breath.
Anu told me 'Kim, you do realise that you are alone in this process?' and at that moment i didn't understand what he said, but now i see it.
i am completely alone responsible for every step that i take, every breath that i breathe, because what i do in each moment here has a consequence that will manifest as my life in the future that will also be a moment here. comparing myself will not assist or support me at all, it will only keep me trapped within the feeling and the belief that i am incapable and inferior and lost, and within that creating a 'fucked up' experience for myself within and as my life.

it is something that is 'hard to believe' or fathom because i ve lived my entire life believing that this experience of life as me apparently existing within a group of people, apparently not alone and apparently not responsible for how i experience myself, was real. this belief was the entirety of my mind, my personality, my identity, the one thing that kept me from ever realising who i am as HERE, as ALONE, as the directive principle of life. how could i have been living this lie for so long? How could this life that i've been living, being convinced that this is 'the way it is' and that this is 'who i am' and 'what reality is', have been just a lie? that's not possible. it's a hard thing to face.




If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact Lives for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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