2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

Changing Inferiority in Real-Time

This is the process I have walked of me becoming inferior (as a mouse) interpreting other people as roaring lions and how I have changed and am in the process of changing this idea / perception of myself as inferior / mousy in my relationship to other people who I interpreted to be roaring lions. This process I am walking more specifically in the context of my relationship with my partner, which is where I first started noticing the deep impact that this tendency to make myself inferior within myself in relation to others actually has on me within my internal experience and external expression.

The problem I have noticed within how I experience and express myself in my relationship with my partner, is that there is a specific emotional/mental and behavioral pattern that keeps emerging within myself and that, as the relationship progresses, gets more and more problematic.

This pattern is an activation of specific emotional experiences that come up within myself, wherein at some point in the relationship, like already after a few weeks or a month, I start to feel very afraid and scared in relation to my partner and specifically in relation to all sorts of thoughts that are popping up in my mind, for instance thoughts like 'he is going to leave me' or 'he is not interested in/attracted to me anymore' - which then activates images  in my imagination where I can already see him breaking up with me and I see myself going into a depressed and desperate state that I have connected with the idea and thought of 'losing him', to which I react with an emotion of panic and fear -- which then in turn sets of  a sort of 'downwards spiral' within myself because from the reaction and experience of Fear and Panic, I tumble further into an experience and state of depression.

And, what is most interesting about this downwards spiral wherein eventually I feel completely overwhelmed by all these thoughts and emotional experiences in relation to losing the relationship  - thoughts that eventually branch out in various directions, fuelling all sorts of ideas and definitions that I have created about ‘who I am’ and ‘who my partner is’ in my mind that then activate more emotional reactions – is that the starting point of it is just one thought that crept into my mind wherein I made an interpretation  of my partners’ behaviour/expression. I mean, I made an interpretation, where for instance, I see and notice that he is speaking less and interacting less than usual with me and, instead of making a thorough investigating into why there is a change in his expression, through for instance communicating and being open and observant, I immediately go over into making personal interpretations of what his expression and behaviour could ‘mean’ from the perspective of the meaning that I have already given to who I am within myself, which would be all my doubts and fears and insecurities.

For instance, I make the interpretation that he is not speaking to me and being reserved and less interactive ‘because he doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore’ – because, ‘he actually wants to be with someone else’ or ‘he thinks I am not pretty enough for him’ and ‘he feels disappointed  now that he is getting to know me better’, etcetera. I mean, there is no real evidence in my physical reality for why I should understand and interpret his behaviour in this way – so really, it is only because I have placed more value within my mind as personal ideas and belief systems than on physical reality, that I am allowing these thoughts, interpretations and emotional reactions to take me for a ride. And, because they are not actually built and based on a real point in physical reality – it’s like they can just keep on building on each other and thus drag me into an infinite spiral of internal reactions and experiences, without any ‘grounding’ point in physical reality. 

A ‘grounding’ point would be for instance an actual realization, insight and understanding of what is physically really going on in my reality – which is something that I, ironically enough, would only be able to see if and when I open myself up to the possibility that my internal world and reality of thoughts, feelings and emotions may not actually be reality. 

So, what I found about what this emotional state of depression that I go into, activated by that one point of interpretation of my partners behaviour, actually is – is that it is a mental/emotional experience of self-pity and sadness - which are specifically programs/constructs within the mind that the mind uses as a device to manipulate the environment through emotions and to therein be able to experience some form of control over what happens in that environment and in the behaviour of other people.

Per example, at school I used the external image of ‘depression’ to get attention from my peers, meaning that I would deliberately go and isolate myself from the group whenever I felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention because I found that someone would usually come over to me to ask me what is going on and thus I would get my desired attention --- by acting as if ‘something is going on with me’. I did the same at birthday parties to make sure that I was always the centre of attention.

And then when I entered the ‘relationships/sex-arena’ I actually started to completely internalize this ‘depressed state’/manipulation technique by going so completely in to that experience of ‘feeling low/sad’, often accompanied by the physical action of isolating myself, that I started to lose people in my life, specifically the males that I felt interested in and that I either wanted to be in a relationship with or was already in a relationship with. 

The point that I strange enough never understood, saw or realized, is that even though people may give me attention when I am ‘in a depression’, that doesn’t mean that they ‘like me’ or want to be around me – in fact, quite the opposite.  I mean obviously, who wants to be around someone who is constantly depressed and needs you to pity them?  Because I never placed myself in the shoes of the people around me, I didn’t consider that I myself don’t enjoy being in the presence of depressed, attention-needing and pity-seeking people – so, why is it that I am assuming that others will?

So, while in my mind I believe that going into this state of depression is a way to control and hold on to my relationships with people – in reality it is actually in reverse --- which I never saw, realized or understood because I never investigated my internal and external reality, I only ever trusted the onedimensional experiences in and of my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions without ever in any way relating them to physical reality.

Thus,  the problematic nature of me going into this mental/emotional pattern of fear and depression within my relationship is that:

1. Within this state of fear/depression, I victimize myself and I make myself inferior not only to my partner, or rather my own thoughts and ideas about 'who my partner is' that I have created in my mind, but therein I also make myself inferior to my own mind as the emotional experiences that come up within myself - which means that I will very easily become very emotional within myself, which then results in an 'irrationality' in my behaviour, expression and decision-making
2. I suppress my expression when I am in the presence of my partner because I am consumed by the constant thoughts of fear in relation to 'if I express myself in this or that way, then he will think this or that and react in this or that way - and then that can eventually lead up to him breaking up with me and me losing him', so then I believe that it is 'safer' for me to not express myself and rather sink into a state of depression, as that creates the illusion within my mind that I somehow have some form of control over him and the relationship
3. I am no longer Here, present and aware in my immediate physical reality and I find it difficult to focus on my work and on my physical responsibilities because all that I really want to do in that state of depression is crawl up in a ball somewhere and isolate myself from everything and everyone and basically 'wallow' in self-pity

Within these three dimensions of the consequences that I am creating in my relationship with myself and my partner by participating within the Reactive Mind-Pattern of Fear of Loss, which I have named the 'Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction', I can see clearly how I am essentially giving up on Myself and my entire Life and Living - only because of one emotional experience of Fear that is triggered in one moment by one specific Thought that I may lose my partner.

I mean, having now established the absolute problematic and just plain self-destructive reality of this Mind-Construct of Fear of Loss within a relationship - I am committing myself to walk a process of correcting this pattern through applying specific tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and practical real-time self-change -- so that I can transform the Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction into becoming a Holy Trinity of Self-Support and Self-Nurturing.

2014 Changing A Fear-Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 4

This blog is a continuation in my Journey and Process of practically, physically changing a Fear-Reaction towards A Person in my environment. In this process I have already walked through three layers within and of the mind in relation to this experience of Fear that I had initially identified within myself towards an individual in my immediate physical environment. Those three steps that I have walked through in writing and applying the tools of self-honesty, self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - can be found Here.

Basically, what i have been doing within walking these 'steps' of Changing a Fear reaction, is that, each time that I investigated a layer in and of my mind that I identified as specific thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences in relation to an individual in my environment - I then in the next step firstly reassessed the previous step and my actual effectiveness in applying the Correction/Change of the specific mind-pattern that I had identified, because I want to make sure that the process of Self-Change that I am busy walking here is not just empty words that look nice 'on paper', but that there is actual Self-Change manifesting. After all, it is only through 'checking', cross-referencing, assessing and reassessing myself, that I ensure for and as myself that I am actually doing what it is that I set out to do.

After this reassessment, I looked again at my relationship with this specific individual in my world and reality and investigated if and where there still exist experiences within myself and what those experiences are --- which I would then write out and change/correct through applying the tools of self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and self-evaluation.

So, here within this fourth step, I will be looking at the overall effectiveness of and within the process that I have walked thus far - and specifically I will be identifying where and how it is that I have changed and where and how I have not changed -- from where then I will again have a starting point to continue walking this process.

In terms of why it is that this process is ongoing and not a 'clear-cut' one-step self-transformation - is because this one point that I had identified within myself, as this experience of fear in relation to a person in my physical environment, does not 'stand alone' within myself -- it is intertwined and interconnected with the rest of me, being my entire mind, conscious, subconscious and unconscious. So, as I started walking this process of changing seemingly only one point within my mind, in fact I was peeling off a layer within and of that one point, to see and discover more dimensions of how this point exists within myself that I had not considered when I initially started looking into it.

So, when I look at the process that i have walked so far, in writing and in physical correction and application - and I have a look at how and where it is that I have in fact changed myself within my experience and expression towards this specific individual and where it is that I have not changed - then I can see that:

Where I have Changed

On a physical level, the intense reaction of fear/anxiety energy in my chest area has dissipated. Before, there was a physical energy experience in my stomach area and my chest area that I experienced when I saw X, where I would go into a ‘cringing’ within myself – where now, the intense energy in my chest and stomach area has largely subsided, I no longer ‘cringe’ --- and what I still do experience is an energetic movement in the center of myself, in my solar plexus, more on a deeper level within myself.

Another point that changed is the relationship point of which I had written down the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction statements in the second step – where I would feel inferior towards her because of seeing that she has a relationship and then measuring her ‘value’ in comparison to me according to the fact that she has a relationship and I do not. So now when I see her, alone or with her partner, I do not react to this point anymore as I see, realize and understand that the point of ‘having a relationship’ is not what defines her as an individual being – and that I had created the experience of inferiority towards her myself by having accepted and allowed a value-system to exist within myself based on my personal desire for a relationship wherein I judged her from the starting point of that personal value-system.

So what changed is the general feeling of inferiority towards her, and the backchat that flowed from that, where I would for instance go into thoughts of ‘it’s not fair that she has a relationship and I don’t’, and from that backchat I would go into a reaction of spitefulness and anger, and then guilt, and then fear again, etcetera. That cycle is gone within my experience towards her.

This would be the first step, where I did the practical real-time self forgiveness in a moment when I saw her and the experience of inferiority came up within myself, along with the hidden judgments about her ‘relationship status’ compared to mine – so, this is a cool cross reference point for me to see that this step was effective --- that now, those specific thoughts and experiences are no longer here and that in fact I have changed in my experience of ‘who I am’ in relation to her.

In the third step within this process, in my writing I had a look at specific memories that came up within my subconscious mind when I saw X, that were at the origin of an experience within myself wherein, every time I looked at X, within my mind, I would subconsciously categorize and judge her as a ‘cool’ girl and would, in comparison, feel inferior towards her by thinking that ‘I am not cool like her’. Where, the judgment of ‘coolness’ was based specifically on the point of her receiving attention from males. And so, these memories that I had investigated within my writing, of my school years where I faced similar thoughts and experiences within myself of inferiority towards specific girls in my class, were part of the underlying personality structure behind the experiences within myself that I had been able to pinpoint in the first step within this process.

And, after having walked through the self forgiveness and self-corrective process of this specific personality structure, connected with these memories  - the point that changed within how I would experience myself in relation to X was this point where I would look up to her and give her a specific ‘position’ within a ‘social hierarchy’ that I had created within my mind, for instance where I would judge and define her as a ‘cool girl’, in comparison with other people who I would classify within my mind as ‘not cool’ (entirely based on the point of ‘relationships’). This meant that now I was seeing her more as who she is as a being, no superior or inferior to me and I was thus more relaxed and comfortable in her presence as now I saw, realized and understood that I do not need her ‘friendship’/’companionship’ and I don’t need her to ‘notice’ or ‘accept’ me so that I could in some way think and believe that I am ‘more’/’superior’ – because, she is in fact a being that exists Here, just like me.

    Where I haven't Changed

The second step that I had walked was the written self forgiveness and self corrective statements in relation to a personality system that activated within myself each time that I am around her, consisting of thoughts of insecurity with regards to whether or not she likes me, within and as an energetic polarity of desire to be liked by her and fear that she doesn’t like me. And, within approaching her this time, I could see that the thoughts that would still trigger an emotional reaction of tension, anxiety and fear within myself, were those thoughts in relation to wanting her to like me, for instance ‘what am I going to say to her?’, ‘what if I say something weird and she will think that I am weird and then she will reject me within her thoughts’ – connected with imagination that pops up of projections in my mind of my fears where I imagine myself going up to her and not knowing what to say and I see within her face that she is feeling uncomfortable in relation to me and therein within her mind is deciding that she ‘doesn’t like me’.

So, basically, the point where I am not standing as authority towards within my mind – is the future projections --- because, from the moment that those future projections of my fears come up in my mind, I step into a form of panic reaction within myself, wherein I feel as though I have no ground to stand on, no stability in the moment that is Here and all that exist within me is that fear of the future - fear that my fear, as depicted within the future projection within my mind, may play out in the future, if I were to for instance step up to her in the moment with the intention of communicating/speaking with her.

Where, within this future projection within my mind exist the belief/idea about myself that ‘I will Fail if I try to communicate/speak to people’, where thus actually the ‘fear of X not liking me’ within and as a future projection in my mind, is in fact a ‘fear of failing’. Which would explain why I ‘did not get the point’ within the process that I had walked of written self forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and why these specific experiences were still Here --- as there was a ‘hidden point’ behind what I was directly seeing within myself.

So - to summarize:

·         What did change?

• The physical reaction of a cringing in stomach and chest area

• The emotional reaction of fear upon seeing her

• The experience of desire to be her friend and to be accepted by her

• The experience of inferiority towards her and the comparison in my mind based on the point of ‘having a relationship’ that was connected to it

·         What didn’t change?

• The experience of anxiety, tension and fear that comes up in the moment where I want to go up to her and have a conversation with her - specifically triggered by thoughts in relation to a fear of Failing

What is the next step?

Now that I have this evaluation and assessment of my process of changing a fear reaction towards a person in real-time written down, in the next step I can take this information - specifically the points wherein I had noticed that I had not changed within my experience in relation to this specific individual and wherein I in other words did not yet establish myself as the directive principle of who i am in relation to my own thoughts and reactions that would come up within my mind when I am in their presence - and then I again look at how i can practically apply and manifest a Real-Time Change within and as myself so that I can in fact stand within myself as a point of authority in relation to who I choose to be within myself in my interactions with my world and reality.

To be Continued...