2011 being a silent participant - isolating self as ego

watch this video to have more perspective on what i ll be writing about: revenge of the ego


the key understanding here is that: when you find yourself 'extracting yourself' from the group that you are standing with, becoming a 'silent participant' by for example not speaking up and openly communicating, by doubting yourself in your expression towards the group and by not blogging or vlogging, by starting to isolate yourself in self judgement, then know that the ego is taking its 'revenge' on you.

the ego is making you believe that you are 'not worthy' of standing as life, together with all the other beings that stand as life, that you are not worthy of openly communicating and expressing yourself and that for some reason you are 'less than' and 'inferior' and there is 'something wrong with you'.

Watching the video 'the revenge of the ego' has opened my eyes to what i had allowed myself to do and what I was allowing to exist within myself, which is 'the revenge of the ego'. I noticed myself doubting myself in chats or in talking to people or addressing people, I started to feel as though i have 'nothing to write about' in my blogs and vlogs, i was doubting my expression.

This 'doubt' is in fact only ego, wherein i try to hide myself, within believing that i am 'not worthy' or that 'there is something wrong with me' because of something i have done which is based on my MEMORY of the things that i have done, that i use to judge myself HERE.
When there is hesitation, thoughts, doubt within expressing myself and when i do not spontaneously express myself in the moment, then I am in fact trying to hide the truth of myself because i believe that it is 'bad' and 'unworthy' and that 'others must not find that out about me', and within that i will not stand stable anymore, because i doubt, i use thoughts to 'twist' and 'change' the 'truth of myself', to make me more 'presentable'/'good' in the eyes of others, thus actually lying about myself.

so, within the Desteni group, as beings who walk together in standing as life, it is easy to, within this self judgement and blame, as a form of self punishment, go and extract yourself and isolate yourself completely from the group, this is where the ego has taken its revenge because you are now locked in a prison of self judgement, anger, hate, blame and regret, all alone, believing yourself to not be worthy of life, wherein you have created your own hell.

And because I as the ego that I've allowed myself to become will always use memory as things that i've done to judge myself as 'bad' and apparently 'not worthy of life', because yes, I as the ego that i ve become and lived as my entire life is truly not worthy of life. so, obviously, if i use my memory to define myself HERE then i will forever more be 'unworthy of life'.

I've already allowed the ego to take its revenge on me once within this process, by judging myself within something i did and actually believing myself to 'not be worthy of the group that stand as life' anymore, and then i completely isolated myself, locking myself up in this experience that i was creating and participating in as the ego. I ended up in a very abusive relationship, eventually being full of hatred and resentment towards my partner, completely forgotten the 'connection point' that it all started with, where everything was great and wonderful.

now everything was shit, because apparently i had become 'a better being' in the relationship, better than him, the relationship had become a power game, wherein i tried to take back my power that i thought he had taken from me, being in a constant fight and struggle, not ever experiencing that 'connection point' again. because the ego as the desire to feel powerful and important had fucked it all up.

So, this video assisted me a lot to be aware of myself going into doubt and realizing then that this is the ego wherein i try to hide myself because i judge something that i've done as 'unworthy' and where i don't want to be honest about myself completely because apparently there's something wrong with me because of what i have done.

to give a recent example: i allowed myself to be directed by the desire to watch pornography and my justification for that was a point i was doing self forgiveness on where i saw that my entire life i had been suppressing my 'true desire', which was sex and everything that has to do with sex. i found nothing more interesting and exiting than sex in this world but i allowed myself to suppress this desire, so now i saw this as my 'hearts desire' and so, being 'honest' is apparently 'following my true hearts desire', which is to watch pornography and to have sex. So that was what i did, actually believing myself to be self honest due to defining 'honesty' as 'following my hearts desire' as 'being honest about what i really want'.

not realizing that i was just fucking with myself because i was still just allowing myself to be directed and influenced by a desire, which is not self honesty, because i do not stand absolute, stable, within and as the certainty of who i am as SELF-DIRECTION.
so, when i realized what i had allowed myself to do and exist within myself, i immediately judged myself as 'bad' and felt ashamed about myself, i believed that i had 'dishonored myself as life' and am unworthy of standing as life. which is exactly how i felt when i had created the relationship, that caused me to completely isolate myself. i started experiencing doubt every time i wanted to write a blog or say something to the group or express myself.

so, i allowed my memory of what i had done to completely control me in the moment by being stuck in self judgement and shame, slowly but surely extracting and isolating myself from the group once again as the ego takes its revenge.

this i will allow no more, i will not allow myself to be deception and to try to hide myself or my past or anything of myself. whatever i have done, i will stand here within and as complete self honesty for all to see who i am so that no lies or deception exist. because this is what i stand as: the end of all lies and deception. i will be and am completely self honest within the words i speak and write here, not trying to cover up anything, any part of myself . i will not be and i am not the ego of self isolation as the prison of apparent 'unworthiness'. no matter what i have done, do, and will do, all will be and is exposed HERE as I AM HERE.



If you are ready to face yourself as the deception of the mind as the prison of you and write yourself to freedom, re birthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsibility for life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

desteni
desteni 'I' process
equal money

2011 experiencing hate during childhood

i am at the moment 24 years old and looking back on my childhood, even my adolescent years, i don't seem to remember much about how i experienced myself, about my feelings and emotions.

like i suppressed all of it. i remember that it was not pleasant at all. i felt mostly fear of other people, even of my friends. and especially of my parents and grandparents. a fear that caused me to become just like them.
but hate was definitely there as well, and lots of it, and very very extensively so.
like an enormous hate towards my parents when they had punished me or forced me into doing something that i didn't want to do. for example when they made me sit at the dinner table and i could not leave until my plate was empty, until i had eaten everything. i was especially angry because they did not seem to see who i was, they didn't see me at all. they seemed to think that everything they were doing was in some way 'for my own good', but they treated me like i was a slave, like i was worth nothing. my words were meaningless to them unless i spoke what they wanted to hear.

the hate i experienced was especially in this context of not being heard or seen, and my parents just playing their power game over me, abusing their power, acting all righteous. and i was ignored, i did not really exist, i was but a slave, an inferior being, 'just a child'. i remember being so full of absolute hate that i would want to hurt myself because there was no other way that i could express that hate, i could not yell at my parents, i could not do anything, so i took it out on myself. i hated myself inside, i wallowed in absolute hate, that would just take over my entire being.

the hate was like an absolute anger within myself, i could feel it literally boiling inside of me.
i've never experienced such anger like when i was a kid, it s an anger because i felt stuck, trapped, no way to go, no way of actually expressing myself and my parents would often put me in situations where i was treated like a prisoner, not respected for what i had to say or what i wanted or didn't want, i only had to do as they told me and there was no way out of it.

and they didn't seem to notice or care what it was like for me, they didn't place themselves in my shoes.

as i grew up, i seemed to have pushed this anger and hate far away in myself by hiding it behind 'positivity' and 'friendliness' and 'kindness' and 'politeness' as what my parents told/taught me and which is also exactly what my parents did, so in this i became just like them, just a liar, hiding the true experience that is hell as pure anger/hate/spitefulness deep inside myself.

because i never took responsibility for this anger inside of me, i kept on blaming my parents inside of myself, which was my excuse and justification for the ego/lie that i had become. apparently now i had come to 'love my parents', looking back on my childhood full of rebellion and anger and hate, as if it was just the 'silliness of a child', thus looking down on myself as a kid, as if i am now 'better', a 'grown up'/adult.

but all i really did was 'insert' myself into the money system wherein i have to survive, i now have to work, earn money and participate in the system of adults. and the way i found and learned from my parents to easily get what i want from the system is to lie about myself, to put on a mask that is positive, good and right and friendly and polite, because then people will accept me and like me and then they will want to help me survive.

and i ve come to believe this lie that i m selling of myself, i ve come to believe that this is who i truly am, when actually there is this dark pit of hell that is all those shit experiences of anger, hate, fear that is still very much inside of me that even cause me to fear myself, to want to escape/run from myself.

so now that i am in the process of forgiving myself for who i have allowed myself to become as the mind, as the lie, i have to face that pit inside of me that i ve been covering up for so long. there is no running/hiding/escaping anymore.

i must realize me in all ways, otherwise i will never be free. i must set myself free and forgive myself in all ways, because i have created hell for myself, because i allowed anger and hate and fear to exist within myself, so therefore i must stop it. no one else will.

within applying self forgiveness, i have realized my responsibility towards all that i have ever experienced in myself. it was never my parents fault, because, just like they did not place themselves in my shoes, i did not place myself in theirs, i just reacted to them. i did not see that they were once children that grew up in an environment just like mine/me and that who/how they are expressing themselves towards me is a result of how they allowed themselves to be influenced by their parents. i did not realize that how they express themselves towards me, has got nothing to do with me personally, because it is THEIR expression, they see me as 'a child' and how they express themselves towards me as 'a child' in their world, only shows how they react to and judge the child within themselves, as a result of how their parents reacted to and judged them when they were children.

so me, i am nothing but a link in a chain, just another generation, so if i allow myself to react to my parents and blame them for my reactions/experiences, i will only end up just like them, just another result generation after generation of abuse, and from there i will only end up abusing my own children as what my parents did unto me and what their parents did unto them, and so forth.



If you are ready to face yourself as the deception of the mind and stop yourself as only a generation within a chain of generations generating abuse and write yourself to freedom, re birthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsibility for life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

desteni
desteni 'I' process
equal money