Anton Colors

Beingness colors:

Brown

Beingness expression: Very grounded, stable, unmistakably, undeniably here, like the earth, the dirt and the ground is here. No positives, no desires, no 'frills'. Very 'in touch with' the simplicity, groundedness, stability, uncomplicatedness of life. Not going into highs of energy/excitedness or wants/needs/desires but being at peace with the simplicity of and as earth/ground.

Unconditionally supportive as the earth/ground. The embodiment of support and simplicity as earth. An acceptance of self as the fabric of the universe, the dirt and ground of and as earth as life, as that which makes up life itself, that which is the very ground from which life emerges.

External Support: Living room table (that which stands as the center point of 'support' within the living room)

Mind polar opposite: feeling dependent on other people. creating that experience/perception of 'lack' of having foundation/support as represented within the mind by 'family' and 'relationships'. So the belief/perception of 'I have no family/relationships so therefore I have no support/foundation in this world or in myself', 'and therefore I cannot feel stable/at ease/comfortable'.

By accepting all those mind systems as beliefs, perceptions, reactions, you allow yourself to 'undermine' your self-foundation - as you allow yourself to 'fall' into the emotional experiences of loneliness, lostness, lack of support, giving up, depression, sadness, despair.

From mind polar opposite to beingness expression: you'll basically have to, in moments when you see yourself going into that point of desire and want for relationships/family within and as the belief that "to have relationships/family = support" and the emotional experiences of loneliness, lostness, lack of support, sadness, depression, giving up, despair - live the word support within and as you as a living word, as a point of not accepting yourself to 'fall' into the emotions and undermine your stability/foundation but remaining stable in the face of what the mind brings up - where, the point of self-support is the point of 'holding yourself up'/'holding yourself together' rather than allowing yourself to fall apart when it comes to emotions.

Purple:

Beingness expression: An excitedness about expression. An appreciation for expression. Celebrating expression. Making space, making room for expression to take place and form. A nurturing, supporting and gentle guidance of expression. A joy within watching expression form and take place. "I am OK with simply being a point of support for life's expression to grow and take shape." "I am the soil from which expression may grow and I will nurture and nourish like the earth nourishes that which grows upon it."

 Nothing is left out. A warmness that is unconditional and unlimited.

External Support: T-shirt(what I stand for and show of me to the world), Jacket(what I represent as my living statement), backpack/briefcase (how I carry myself)

 Mind polar opposite: 

non-involvement, non-participation as a suppression of self due to a fear of getting hurt.

Participating in self-judgment wherein you create the point of 'hurt' within yourself.

Support color: 

Deep red

Supportive expression: Recognizing, embracing and being in touch with the depth of self. Developing/having a strong relationship with self. Being very intimate with oneself on a deep level. Having ones self-relationship as ones primary focus. Being very passionate about developing, nurturing, exploring and strengthening ones self-relationship. Not allowing anything or anyone else come before or in between ones self-relationship. "Being in a deep embrace with oneself."

From mind polar opposite to beingness expression: So with this color being a 'support color' for you, specifically in relation to that experience of 'hurt' within yourself from which you suppress yourself, essentially it's about being more authoritive about what you accept and allow to exist within you.

 To nurture and strengthen your self-relationship is to look inward at how you are treating yourself and to let go of all the experiences, thoughts and basically everything inside of yourself where you see that you are being hurtful, neglectful and abusive with yourself.

so it's essentially still about living the word support. to be more supportive with yourself, rather than allowing yourself to fall into emotional experiences wherein you 'hurt' yourself.

External support: socks (how I walk in this world)
so wearing socks in this color would be like making a statement and decision that 'how I walk in this world' is within placing my self-relationship first.

New Expression Color

Rosy pink

Carol colors

Beingness colors:

earthy orange:

 Beingness expression: all-embracing, unconditionally and absolutely embracing all as me, not seeing or finding fault in anything or anyone, not having any 'sharp edges' towards anything or anyone. Like the sun, unconditionally giving warmth equally without expecting anything in return. Like the sun, standing as the center around which all of life revolves - knowing that "I am the center of all things, I need not move for anything as I am all there is".

Gentle, flow, playful, fun

External support: sweaters(how you embrace yourself), eyeshadow(how you see yourself)



Mind polar opposite: 
Believing that "I need to do things to be complete". Survival mind. Belief that 'i must move. I must do things". Belief that who I am here is not whole. Seeing holes in yourself instead as points wherein you are 'not good enough' and 'not yet how you should be'. Wanting to be a good mother/wife/friend/person as ideas in the mind. The hole is 'i am a bad mother/wife/friend/person and therefore i need to do something to be a good mother/wife/friend/person'  or 'i am fat so i need to do things in order to feel good about myself'.

separating the 'sun' as you as a being by creating ideas in the mind representing 'wholeness'
fear of being punished for enjoying/expressing self here, as fear of facing emotions of shame, embarrassment, guilt.

Being very harsh/hard on yourself, not accepting self, seeing 'holes' in self, judging self, being very 'sharp-edged' towards yourself.

From mind polar opposite to beingness expression: In moments when you see yourself going into and participating in the ideas in the mind about 'who/how I should be and what I need to do as a good wife/mother/friend/person' accompanied by an experience of stress/urgency/worry, bring your focus to how you are not living that 'wholeness' as represented by the ideas within yourself internally in your relationship with self. Are there emotional experiences within yourself that you are reacting to instead of embracing and accepting as parts of self - such as shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger?

Then move yourself to live the word wholeness by making the decision to unconditionally embrace those parts of you which you are judging, suppressing and reacting to - becoming and making yourself 'whole' by embracing all of what exists within you as parts of you.

sunny yellow:

Beingness expression: sunshine = warm, pleasant, enjoyable, you feel like you want to get out and about and live and express. Easygoing, relaxed, without any complications. Easy, breezy, lazy, sunny day. Everything I need is here. I am standing with my roots firmly into the earth, I can just relax, settle into and enjoy what's here because I don't need anything else. Everything is warm and embracing. There's no reason to do anything or move because all of life is here. There's no guilt, no judgment, no right or wrong, there's only this unconditional embracing warmth that is unconditionally accepting, embracing and nurturing, like the sun.
Very accommodating, like you would be in a very warm blanket. Very soft movement. Like a gentle caress like a wind that gently moves across your skin. Very light and airy. There is like a knowing that "I am OK". Like a mother embracing a child and the mother going, "you're OK".

External support: Pants(how you walk in this world), shawl/scarf(how you warm yourself), jacket(your living statement)

 Mind polar opposite:

Always feeling like i have to do things. And when i am doing things, like i am watching a movie, I will feel guilty and ashamed about it because i judge my starting point within it. so there is like a constant movement within me and i don't allow myself to enjoy the things that I enjoy without feeling guilty cause i'll think that "This is not important, there are other things I should be doing that are more important. Out there, for other people."

I don't ever experience a moment of being "OK", of not being rushed. Most of the times I am rushed to fill the holes within myself. I have this sinking feeling, like a part of myself i need to fulfill all the time. As though I am never enough. How can I be enough for myself? How can I be here and be whole without going crazy over all the things I am not doing? Like i need to do certain things in order to feel good about myself. Like there is no way I will every feel whole unless I do things 'out there'. I have never looked at it from this starting point of asking myself "am I whole?" and placing myself as the starting point.

I feel so scattered and so all over the place that oftentimes I don't know where to start. And when I do set a goal for myself of what I want to create, like i want to learn to play guitar, then I go into guilt and shame and regret and embarrassment because I feel like it's taking time away from what I should rather be doing, like spending time with Kurt and the kids.


 From mind Polar opposite to Beingness Expression:

In the moments when you catch yourself in the rushed experience where you are thinking about what you should do with yourself in order to feel better about yourself - realize, see and understand that there are emotions within yourself, the regret, guilt, shame, embarrassment, that you are trying to escape from.

So in that moment, you stop and embrace yourself, embrace the emotions. Where, you'll still continue doing what you were doing or about to do, but you'll simultaneously be practicing embracing you and so correcting your starting point from perceiving yourself as 'not good enough' to unconditional self-acceptance. 

Support color: 

Carrot orange:

 

Supportive expression:  intensity, emergency. Moving yourself with intensity and emergency. Gotta get moving! Now, not later! Moving self with focus, intent and purpose. Standing as centered yet also moving as center. Where, movement is not driven or motivated by reactions and emotions but is a self-expression within the realization and understanding that things need to get done on an existential level.

External Support: Underwear, socks, T-shirts

New Expression color:

What does your face have to say about you?

Today I repeated an experiment I did a long time ago. In this post back in 2011 I took a photo of my face, cut it in half and mirrored both halves to create two entirely different faces. I did this because I noticed that when it came to the right and left side of my face, they looked different and I thought that doing this mirroring experiment would give me some insight into different parts of myself expressed within and through the different sides of my face. And boy did it ever!

Here's what the two mirrored images looked like (unfortunately I don't have the original photo that I took of my face anymore):

And here is what my face cut in half and mirrored on both sides looks like today:

What my face actually looks like:

The first obvious and interesting difference between these two sets of photo's is that the physical structure of the ones from 2011 doesn't actually look all that different, while those from today look shockingly different. Not to mention the difference in how I look overall between now and then!

The purpose of this experiment is that it's an exercise in reading yourself, getting to know yourself from a different perspective. I have found it to be a fun and supportive way to get deeper into your process of self-awareness, literally using what's 'in your face' to learn more about yourself.

Specifically what this exercise will show you is the two stories your face tells about you, of the way in which you on the one hand tend to sabotage yourself and how you on the other hand simultaneously can be your own solution.The structure of your face will tell you which traits you need to start nurturing in order to become who you really are on a beingness level.

If you'd like some support with reading yourself in your face and with seeing what your face has to say about you, email me at kim_amourette@hotmail.com. I do Body Connection sessions to assist individuals with tuning into themselves and learning more about who they are.

2016 How to Transcend Fear of Failure

A pattern that seems to have come up and seeped into my mind and thus how I experience myself in my life and living, is a fear of failing. In the back of my mind there have been thoughts and experiences coming up that have created this overall feeling within myself that I have somehow 'failed' and/or am failing in my process of self-change and self-expansion. I've been struggling with that experience for a while now, which has also seemed to result in avoidance behavior such as sleeping a lot and not really wanting to wake up and face the day/my life, not feeling like maintaining my 'social life' and not really feeling like doing things in general. In the back of my mind there is just this experience and idea of 'what's the point, I've failed anyways'.

And when looking at this experience, I can see that it's basically just a fear of failing that I am dealing with. A fear that I have made real by believing it and thinking it the whole time. I have molded and shaped my perception of who I am and how I am walking my process and my life according to this fear that has been haunting me in the back of my mind. In other words, because I fear failing I constantly feel as though I have failed and/or am failing.

However, then I stepped back from this experience and this perception of myself as having 'failed' for a moment, and I looked at the reality of myself and of who I am, who I have been and how I have been walking my process and my life. By doing this, I came to the conclusion that actually in a lot of ways I have transcended many patterns in my mind. I have become an overall more stable and down-to-earth individual. I may not have entirely changed or overcome patterns such as social anxiety, insecurity or self-suppression, but I have already made substantial changes in how I experience myself internally and how I behave, interact and express myself externally.

In conclusion, I realised that within this fear of failing, my mind was creating the perception and the experience that the entire process that I have walked up to this point has been for nought and that I haven't created any change what so ever. And this perception is strange, because it is suggesting that in all this time of having applied the tools of introspection and self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitment I haven't learned anything and I have not in any way expanded or developed myself, while in fact I KNOW that this isn't so. I can physically SEE the changes in myself and in my life - changes that I have created myself over time as I walked my process of self-change.

For quite a while now - and on many occurrences in my process - have I experienced this haunting feeling that I have failed in some way and never have I realized this one simple fact. The fear and even the concept of having 'failed' seemed to just completely override and hide all that I have in fact accomplished and created through the process that I have in fact walked. When the fear of having failed comes up, all that I become in my mind is a 'failure'.

In other words, every bit of potential, success, growth and expansion within myself gets suppressed when the word failure comes up in the mind. Even though there is potential and even though success, growth and expansion has in fact taken place over the years, all of that just disappears completely because all that I am seeing with my minds eye is "failure".

What I am trying to say and show here is that the whole concept of 'failing', at least in the way that it exists at this time, is a mind program. It is a program in the mind because it is not aligned with reality. The fear of failing and the belief that "I have failed" is like a sheet that creeps up in your mind and covers up the reality of who you are. The reality being the gradual learning process that has occurred over time as well as the steps that you have taken to change certain aspects of yourself.

For instance, the reality of myself is that even though at times I may have been more slow in changing a thought/behavioral/emotional pattern and I may have sometimes been stuck in a certain pattern for a while, eventually I did create a change and moved through whatever it was that I was trying to get through. Failure is a mind program because it is a one-dimensional concept that doesn't allow me to see the entire multifaceted reality of who I am in space and time. The mind program of fearing failure is something that will eventually only make me give up on my potential and sabotage my own process of self-expansion and -development simply for the only reason that a fear of failure will block me from seeing any potential for self-expansion within myself. So in a way it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In the next blog I will continue looking into the fear of failure and specifically into what the solution is to changing the pattern of fearing failure.

2015 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change -- Part 3

This blog is part of the series about Escapism wherein I have been sharing the process of self-change that I am applying, specifically in relation to playing videogames and the mind-pattern of addiction and escapism it activates within myself. I don't play games often, but I have noticed that when I do, I just get swallowed up in it. All it takes is for me to find one game that sparks my interest and before long as I start playing it, it can start to consume most of my (valuable) time.

In the previous blogs, "2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change" Part 1 and Part 2, through my application of the tools of self-change in changing this specific pattern, I have been able to see what I am actually doing and what really happens 'behind the scenes' while I get caught up in playing a game and it starts to overshadow my life. This was about half a year ago and since then I haven't been playing any games until recently when I discovered this game called Epic Defence. I was looking for something to entertain myself with so I decided to try it and ended up enjoying it. However this 'enjoyment' turned problematic as I noticed how I was wanting to spend more and more time playing the game than on anything else.

So this gives me a nice opportunity to again investigate the pattern of addiction when it comes to gaming and to see which points within myself still serve as an open window for me to give my power away and let myself get carried away by something instead of standing as a pillar of self-direction and -will. The return of this pattern by no means implies that I 'failed' in my first attempts to change it. All that it shows me is that I have overlooked certain points of self-understanding and self-awareness which still allow a 'weakness' to exist within myself  for certain thoughts/feelings/emotions and mind-programs to 'overtake' me and take me for a ride. So it's then just a matter of applying the tools of self-introspection through self-honesty and writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and real-time self-change.

Escapism and playing games and getting lost in It is a very strange sensation. Specifically the point where in your awareness you know that there are other things you should be doing and that it is better for you to stop playing the game and just go do stuff that is more relevant and important and self-supportive but then you start fighting that awareness in your mind and questioning that awareness to basically protect the energy that you are experiencing in that moment, meaning the feelings of reward, adrenalin and dopamine as you are playing the game.

So, in theory it shouldn't be that difficult to just pause the game or just stop it and move on to doing other things, because it is literally just a game, it holds no value or importance and that energetic experience of value and reward that I feel inside myself as I am collecting gems and coins and defeating my virtual attacker in the game are simply illusions because the game in itself is virtual reality, i.e. not ACTUAL reality. This means that even though I feel as though I am winning, gaining and achieving something of great value, importance and worth, I am actually not at all and it is all only happening in the virtual reality in my mind stimulated by the game that I am playing.

An interesting point to look at and consider here is that there appears to be a lack of understanding in relation to the word 'game' and thus a necessity to clearly define for myself what a 'game' is and what the difference is between a 'game' and 'reality', to assist and support myself with making decisions that are based on the reality of things and not based on feelings.

So that in other words I don't end up allowing the illusory experience of value and importance within playing a game to override what is important and valuable in fact, which is to for instance pause and put down the game when I see that there are other things to be done with my time. And so that I can assert myself to allow this game nor the energetic feeling experiences that it triggers in my mind to hold any weight when it comes to how I decide to move and direct myself in my life from moment to moment, because  it shouldn't in any way what so ever. A game is after all just a game.

This understanding of what a game is will determine my starting point, meaning who I am when I start playing and the kind of experience I will end up creating while I am playing because of 'who I am'. When my definition and thus my starting point in relation to playing games is that somewhere within myself in the back of my mind I actually believe that the feelings of value, importance and worth which come up as a preprogrammed induced reaction to playing computer games are real, then I will have a really difficult time trying to quit playing because I truly believe that I would be having to give up on something very important if I were to stop the game.

The starting point of playing a game, and of doing anything at all for that matter, would be the 'reason why' I do it. And that 'reason why' can be corrupted and compromised when it is based on a misunderstanding of what certain things are and how they exist. Wanting and desiring to play a game because I want to experience the feelings I get while playing the game, indicates that there exists a belief in myself that to a certain degree those feelings are real. This would be a sign of a corrupted and compromised starting point because in reality anything I might be experiencing internally while playing a computer game is entirely and solely stimulated by the perception created within the game that the participant is achieving and accomplishing things as they move up in levels, earn virtual rewards and defeat virtual adversaries  - none of which is taking place in real life.

Thus to correct the self-compromising pattern of escapism within the example of an addiction to gaming, I will have to correct my starting point as the 'who I am' in relation to playing games. An addiction to gaming and a behavioural pattern of escapism can only exist when there is a 'flaw' in the design of 'who I am' and consequently in my starting point in relation to gaming, and this design pertains to how I see and understand the world that I exist in. The particular flaw in the design would in this case be the belief that I will find worth, value and importance within playing a computer game and that those energetically exciting experiences in the mind of apparent value, importance and worth when unlocking a level or achieving a goal in the game are in fact what real worth, value and importance is, while it is very obvious that realistically speaking this is not at all so.

As long as this faulty perception of reality exists as a belief system in my mind, then the desire, want and need to play games will exist, as well as the potential to develop an addiction to it, which would be the experience of not being able to stop playing and the feeling that nothing else is as interesting, engaging and important as playing that game.

So within redefining the word game, it seems that I actually have to look at redefining words such as importance, worth and value, because it is these things that I have mistakenly understood to be based within feelings, like the feeling of excitement I experience upon being rewarded with something, be it a prize in a computer game or appraisal from peers, family and/or people in my general environment. In this context, importance, worth and value would actually be quite meaningless and empty because it is literally based only on a belief that if I achieve, win or accomplish something, and specifically when something or someone else outside of myself recognizes and tells me that I have, it somehow makes 'who I am' inside myself 'better' and 'more'.

Looking at why and how it is that I don't already experience and see value, worth and importance as an inherent part of myself, I can see that it is because of this separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself wherein I see and define value, worth and importance as things that my environment must give me. The solution here is to thus  through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitments, develop the realization and understanding of how I can start living value, worth and importance as a self-expression that is best for myself instead of it being something that distracts me from living my life to my utmost potential.

This is a process that I will be sharing in the next blog.

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

Changing an Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

In Part 1 and Part 2 I have began opening up a tendency that I experienced within my mind in terms of how I would react to specific situations or rather to how I perceived and interpreted those situations in my mind. When I perceived or interpreted that my partner was in some way upset, unhappy, angry or in an annoyed state, then my reaction to that would be one of going into fear, inferiority, insecurity and self-doubt as essentially the opposite of the reactions that I perceived within him. And thus within this reaction I interpreted and experienced him to be the 'dominant' person and myself the 'victim' or 'dominated' person within the relationship.

This reaction in itself would then end up sparking other emotional reactions like blame and anger within myself since I was busy projecting this dominant personality within him and so implicitly placing him responsible for the inferiority and fear that I was experiencing within myself.

Since opening it up within and through the application of the Desteni tools, I have been able to develop more of an understanding of what happens within myself when I go into this emotionally overwhelming experience in those specific situations and through this, I have been more able to breathe through most of the reactions when I see them entering my mind. However, because this specific system is so deeply ingrained within myself, it exists in multiple layers that I must still open up and investigate so that I can start moving through the deeper layers of this mind-construct and so I can stop myself from going into the overwhelmingness of it and so not end up losing myself in this construct.

What I have been investigating and looking at in the past few days is the joker character that I step into in my interaction with my partner, wherein I most of the time I am in this 'joking' mood and am trying to keep the conversations 'light' and 'fun' by making jokes of things and playfully ridiculing things or poking fun at things. I discovered that it is actually this specific character and me accessing it in relation to my partner, that is another layer of the mind which contributes to why I feel insecure, inferior and fearful within myself in towards him in moments.

I have always defined the joker character as a fun and good personality trait, which is why I use it to try and make and keep people in my relationships happy, within and as the motto that as long as people are laughing, then they are having fun and feeling good and thus they feel good about me, thus they love me. However it is exactly that starting point behind this 'joking around' behaviour and personality trait, of doing it because I want people to love me, which is creating the opposite experience within myself.

When I look at my general experience in relation to people, I would say that it is actually rather negative. Most of the time I feel insecure about myself, self-conscious, inferior and I often believe or feel like people don't actually like me all that much. And by having investigated this joker personality within myself, I have seen, realized and understood that I feel this way because my starting point within how I express myself in relation to the people around me, is one wherein I am actually already from the get go assuming that people won't like me for who I am and that I need to be, behave and express myself as this 'likeable' persona, within and as for instance making jokes and 'being funny', in order to generate positive feelings about me within people so that based on those positive feelings, they would 'like me'.

So it is fascinating how that works, that while I am busy exerting this energetically charged personality which exists entirely for the purpose of making people happy and making people laugh and like me, I am simultaneously actually creating the opposite experience within myself and I don't even notice. So I end up feeling as though, the harder I try to get people to like me within that positively charged 'likeable' personality of joking around, the more I end up feeling negative within myself and within that I essentially experience exactly that which I feared experiencing in the first place. And all the while I never noticed that it was within my very participating in the positive energy, that I was creating the negative experience and so creating the very thing that I was fearing.

I am starting to see the consequences of my participating in this personality system more acutely since I have become aware of it -- I can see the negative experience of fear, inferiority and insecurity coming up in the moment right after I made that joke or poked fun or tried to make something sound funny or light. Because, the problem isn't that I am making a joke, the problem is that I do it with an energy experience, that I am trying to create a specific experience within the other person from the starting point of believing and assuming within myself that they won't and don't like me for who I am.

It is fascinating to see how it is never about what I do as it is about my starting point behind and within what I do. The starting point determines what I will create. So, if my starting point is the belief that I am not being liked or loved, then no matter what I do to try and prevent or change that, I will end up feeling unloved and disliked. Whereas if I express myself without necessarily wanting to be 'more' or  be 'positive', 'funny', 'likeable', 'sociable' or 'fun', then I already stand within the realization and understanding that I am alright as who I am .

Obviously that point of seeing who I actually am, and so seeing beyond the personality constructs, does take a process of getting to know yourself and walking through conscious and subconscious layers of the mind. I believed for a very long time that this joker personality is who I really am, that it was my 'true expression', my natural real expression and that I was 'just being me' when I was busy making fun of things or trying to liven things up or lighten the mood with a joke. It is however only recently that I became aware of the energetic dynamic that is really playing out within and behind it.

And I could only see that because of the steps that I have already walked previously within investigating and changing the experience of inferiority within myself in relation to people - a process that I have specifically been walking in relation to my partner, as that is where the experience of inferiority came up more intensely and noticeably. A process wherein I have been slowly but surely peeling away the layers within and of my consciousness that constitute the emotional experience of feeling inferior and insecure within myself in relationships with the people in my world and reality.

This point thus, the existence of a personality system of wanting to make people laugh and feel good through making jokes is another layer that I have discovered within myself and for which I have now, through having applied the tool of writing in self-honesty, laid the foundation for change. And that change is what I can manifest through applying the tool of written self-forgiveness and self-correction and then living the actual physical change in real-time moments of not allowing myself to go into the joker personality and instead remain stable within myself rather than expressing myself from the starting point of energetic movements such as the desire to make people happy and get people to like me through exerting specific behaviour. And thus, by living that change in real-time moments, I will condition myself into living in a way that creates actual stability within my relationships with people, so that I can start giving myself the opportunity to find out and discover the true potential of relationships and myself within relationships with people.

The Following is the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I have written down to assist and support myself within releasing the joker character and preparing the way for myself to start changing this character in real-time.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a personality system wherein I think and believe that I must be funny and fun-loving and enjoyable for other people so that other people would love and accept me, when I am in the presence of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into that preprogrammed personality expression of wanting to be fun and funny and wanting to make the other person laugh whenever I am with X and to define myself entirely  within and as that tendency to 'want to make him laugh' --- and not seeing and realizing what I am actually busy creating and what I am actually doing within and as myself, which is going into a specific energetic experience motivated by a fear within myself of not being loved and accepted and therein creating the experience within and as myself that I am not loved or accepted

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a polarity within myself of fearing that X doesn't love me and desire for X to love me -- and that from that starting point within myself, I then start to desperately look for ways to make sure that X will love me, for instance by expressing myself within and as joking around, making jokes, being goofy and trying to be fun and make X laugh -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am actually doing is separating myself from X by firstly defining myself within and as the reaction of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved and secondly then trying to play into and manipulate paul's feelings through exerting a specific personality behaviour, and that because of that separation that I am busy creating within myself from paul as myself I actually end up feeling inferior and even more insecure and fearful than I did before

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the energy experiences within myself of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved that activates within myself in relation to X - by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the personality expression of 'being fun-loving', 'making jokes',  'joking around', 'not taking anything seriously' and 'being playful' and so hiding what is really going on within myself as the actual starting point of that personality system as who I believe myself to be

And so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself and so not hide experiences of fear behind positively charged personality systems - within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I create who and what I am within and as myself, regardless of how I behave or how I appear to be within and as my 'personality expression' --- and that if I exist within myself within and as a fear of not being loved then the experience of not being loved is what I will end up creating, no matter how much I try to be 'likeable' and 'loveable' to other people --- if anything, the more I try, the more I am actually reinforcing and validating that point of fear that is at the starting point of it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express who I really am as a being in relation to X by having accepted and allowed myself to express myself within and as a personality system based on experiences of fear and desire within my mind

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, because I haven't been expressing myself within and as self-honesty, as who I really am as a being -- I have also not been able to see who X is as a being and I have been experiencing insecurities and fears because of that separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself from myself as a being and from X as a being

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I preoccupy myself with fears and desires in relation to X loving me, and the  experience of insecurity, fear and inferiority that is the consequences of that preoccupation, then I am not seeing X as who he is within and as physical reality and I am not perceptive, attentive or aware of what is going on within him --- because every expression that he makes, I immediately interpret within and as that polarity of fear and desire for him to love me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, wherein I take everything that he does, says and expresses personally and so don't actually get to know him

And I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I don't let go of the energetically charged personality within myself and preoccupation in my mind of wanting X to love me and see and consider who X is and what is going on with and within X, then I am in fact only fuelling the experiences of insecurity and fear within myself in relation to X because those experiences are defined within and as ideas, beliefs and perceptions in the mind, which are based on a lack of insight and understanding of what is really going on in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the principle and realization that I create who and what I am within and as myself - and thus the realization that if I express myself and if I exist within and as the starting point of insecurity and fear within myself within and as the fear of not being loved, then I will create exactly what my starting point already is, which is fear and insecurity --- and I will this experience more fear and insecurity, the more I express myself from the starting point of fear and insecurity

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to love myself and to create the starting point of self-love and self-acceptance and self-respect within and as myself - so that from that starting point I can create that which exist within and as myself in my external world and reality --- within and as the principle of who and what I am is what I will create

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, by defining myself within and as the personality system of wanting to make people laugh by trying to be funny and fun  and enjoyable, I am abdicating my responsibility for how I actually feel within myself within and as the experience of fear of not being loved - and that I am therein indirectly blaming other people for not loving me and so for that fear that I am experiencing within myself --- instead of being self-honest and seeing, realizing and understanding that I am responsible for how I experience myself within myself and standing one and equal with the point of fear and desire in relation to 'being loved'  and so standing within and as the point of self-love

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to create who I am within and as myself as what I want to see and experience in my world and reality - within and as the realization and understanding that who I am within and as myself is what I create - and so that I have never accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the living expression and statement of self-love, one and equal with the love that I want to see and experience within my external world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the emotional experiences of insecurity and fear, connected to the thoughts in my mind that X doesn't love me or that people don't love me - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame X and 'people' for how I am experiencing myself -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these experiences of fear and insecurity are consequences of the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist from myself and others as myself by having accepted and allowed myself to express and define myself within and as the personality system of wanting to be fun, enjoyable and loveable for other people and by not having accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about and take responsibility for how I really feel and who I really am within and as myself

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thoughts in my mind that 'X doesn't love me' or 'people don't love me', connected with experiences of insecurity and fear, actually show and indicate that I don't love myself and that I do not exist within and as self-love within and as myself and that I have not taken responsibility to create the love that I want to see and experience in my world and reality within and as myself first and foremost

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of who I am within and as myself when I express myself within and as the personality system of joking around and wanting to be playful and funny and wanting to make X or other people laugh - and so not be aware of what it is that I am actually busy creating through the starting point from which I am expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that personality systems always exist from the starting point of fear because within and as a personality system I am busy limiting all of who I am by defining myself within and as a specific set of expressions and descriptions as being the 'who' I want other people to think I am and see me as, such as 'fun', 'funny', 'lovely' and  'fun-loving' in an attempt to control specific factors in my external world and reality which I think and believe are causing the fear that I am experiencing within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining myself within and as a personality system as accepted and allowed self-limitation instead of being honest with myself about the fears that exist within myself and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for -- and see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to express and define myself within and as a personality system, then I am in fact separating myself from the very thing that I am wanting to experience and have and that I am using the personality system for, because within and as a personality system I am wanting and needing other people to give me a specific experience, rather than me creating that experience within and as myself

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, within and as the personality system of wanting to be loved by trying to make people laugh and trying to be funny and fun and loveable, I am in fact separating myself from the love that I am wanting, needing and searching for by projecting it outside of myself within and as the desire for other people to love me

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to define the personality system of joking around and being fun and funny and not taking things seriously as something 'positive' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the tendency to want to make jokes and make fun out of things and make things humorous, comes the starting point of fear of getting hurt and rejected if I wouldn't go into that personality expression and if I were to simply be and express who I am in the moment without trying to generate positive feelings and without trying to make people laugh and enjoy themselves

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I actually fear being 'serious', because taking things seriously means that I really invest myself within my expression and I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret that as being vulnerable to people's reaction to me and my expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself or others 'seriously' out of fear of being hurt and because I think and believe that if I make a joke out of everything and in that, pretend that I don't really care about anything, then I will not get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the joker personality to protect myself from getting hurt - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact I am the one hurting myself by not existing within and as self-love and believe that I have to be a specific personality so that other people would love me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the joker personality to interact with people because I don't have self-respect or self-love --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-respect and self-love is something that I have to build over time, through remaining consistent within myself --- and that, each time I accept and allow myself to react with fear in relation to people and from the fear accept and allow myself to go into the joker personality, I confirm to myself and condition into myself that I have no self-love or self-respect and that the desire to be loved and fear of not being loved by people is who I am

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself in a 'joking' and 'fun' or 'funny' way in relation to paul or other people - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am busy 'trying' to be someone or do something and within that trying I am not being simply myself and I am in fact making a statement that I am not good enough and that I believe that people don't actually like me for who I am and that therefore I must be something or someone else for people to like me

And I see, realize and understand that what I create is always one and equal with my starting point - and that if my starting point is the belief that people don't like me, then no matter what I do or how I express myself, I will always feel like people just don't like me

I see, realize and understand that when I am going into a positive and high energetically charged experience within myself when I express myself, for instance when I go into a joking character and I try to be 'fun' and 'funny', then I am in fact simultaneously creating and fuelling a negative point within myself that I have defined myself within and as - such as a fear that people don't like me and a belief that people don't like me -- and that thus, the more I accept and allow myself to go into that positive experience in relation to my expression wherein I am trying to hide and suppress the fear, the more I in fact end up feeling afraid and feeling like people don't like me

I commit myself to live the strength and courage to remain stable within myself when I am expressing myself around people and to not allow myself to try and get away from or suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to people not liking my natural expression - and to rather face the fears within myself and develop and establish self-love and self-acceptance within the realization that I will always only find in my external reality that which already exists within myself within and as my starting point

So I commit myself to live the love and acceptance that I have always longed and searched for within other people -- as a living statement of who I am --- by changing these personality traits of wanting to try and be funny and fun and enjoyable for other people to try and get people to like me, because I see, realize and understand that all that I am really doing is creating the experience within myself that people just don't like me by not seeing and realizing myself as the creator of myself and my existence

I commit myself to be and become the living word of stability wherein I do not accept or allow myself to be moved and influenced by the mind as feeling and emotional experiences, because I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to be moved by feeling and emotional experiences within and as personality systems such as wanting people to like me and trying to be fun and fun-loving and funny and essentially trying to be 'more' and 'better' than 'myself', that I am giving away my power and all of who I am and I accept and allow myself to then exist in constant insecurity, uncertainty and inferiority

And so I commit myself to express myself from the starting point of stability within and as myself as the realisation and understanding and living statement that I am 'good enough' and that I do not need to be 'more' or 'better' and I do not need other people to like me so that I can like myself

I am self-acceptance  and I accept myself unconditionally because that is what is best for myself as life and I see, realize and understand that unconditional self-acceptance is a real genuine expression of what life really is as softness and gentleness as in being soft and gentle on myself by not judging myself or not creating these ideas and beliefs in my mind that somehow I am 'not good enough'

Life as who I really am within and as myself is unconditional acceptance and gentleness

2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time

 

 2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time

How I Changed an Experience of Rejection in A Moment

Someone unfriended me on Facebook a while ago and only today did I come to realize this and it was interesting to see what kind of reactions came up within me. When I say 'someone',  I am here referring to a person who was  a big part of my life when I was little, someone who I actually haven't seen in a very long time and even though our lives grew apart and we have become 'different people', my reaction to finding out that she 'unfriended' me indicated that there was still a big part of me which defined itself according to the relationship that I had created in my memories with this individual.

I went into a form of a shock when I saw that the little box on her Facebook profile which used to say 'friend' now said 'add friend'. I mean it wasn't like a big emotional shock, but it was there, that reaction of 'oh my god I can't believe it'. The shock being the experience of rejection, loss and anger, because clearly somewhere in my subconscious mind the thought of this person still seeing my Facebook posts and in that way still kind of being a part of who I am and my life, was keeping certain memories of my childhood relationship with her 'alive'.

In that moment of seeing my reaction, I felt surprised because since the time we were friends and since we 'parted ways', I have come a long way of changing as an individual, have 'lost' certain friendships and relationships along the way and I believed that I had 'made peace' with my life as it is now, the people in it and the things that have happened.  But this reaction of shock showed me that it is easy to create ideas and beliefs about yourself in your mind as long as your world stays relatively stable and 'the same', but then when things start to shift and change - that is when your reactions to situations and events will show you who you really are inside and what has been going on in the background (in the subconscious mind) all along.

I have experienced the same kind of 'shock' in the past when I perceived that someone  was 'rejecting' me or that I was losing them or had lost a person in my life whom I had defined as 'my friend' or 'family' and how I used to deal with those kind of experiences  is that I would just kind of let time 'heal the wound' and so basically allow the emotional experiences of shock, rejection, feeling left behind, sadness and inferiority to 'settle' over time. But this wasn't a very pleasant approach to handling and dealing with my emotions because it is kind of making the choice to 'live with' the emotions and to continue suffering until the suffering stops by itself.

This time however I had the tool of applying self-forgiveness to assist me in moving through and releasing the emotional experiences in one moment and stabilizing myself in relation to this situation. This self-forgiveness which I applied in that moment I will share at the bottom of this blog. By speaking the self-forgiveness and releasing the emotions, I could see deeper into my own mind and to where it actually was that my reactions were coming from.

I could see clearly that within my subconscious mind I have still in slight moments throughout my day, for instance each time I posted something on Facebook, been  secretly thinking about how specific people whom I know to be my 'friends' on Facebook - people who used to be a part of my life when I was younger and who are still part of my memories - would react to my posts and what kind of opinion or idea they would form in their minds about me. And what I realized is that each time I allowed myself to access those type of secret thoughts in the back of my mind, I was busy keeping those 'relationships' which essentially only exist within my own mind 'alive'.

So in the 'who I am' in my mind, which would be my thoughts and the emotional/feeling experience of myself, I was still very much defining myself according to the relationships that I had created with specific individuals who used to be part of my life but actually haven't been in a very long time, simply by giving attention to these seemingly 'small' and 'innocent' ponderings about how they would see, perceive and judge me based on my Facebook posts that they might come across from time to time.

And, because I was still subconsciously keeping the 'relationship' with those people 'alive' by the simple act of consistently accessing thoughts, feelings and emotions connected to images, memories and pictures of them in my mind and forming my own 'idea' and 'image' of myself based on and according to my projections of what 'they' might be thinking of me - this is why I reacted emotionally with an experience of suddenly something being 'missing' or having 'lost' something in my life when I realized that one of those 'relationships' had 'cut ties' with me through unfriending me on Facebook.

What was fascinating is that just with me realizing or rather thinking that they will no longer see my Facebook posts and they will thus no longer be thinking about me or forming opinions and ideas about me, which was already in itself an assumption and idea that I had created in my mind without any 'evidence' that this was in fact what was happening, it felt as though I was losing a part of myself and I was becoming emotionally distraught. But I mean, the thought that this friend or 'former friend' was seeing my posts and was thinking all sorts of things about me wasn't actually real to begin with, it was a fabrication in my own mind that was based on my own want, need and desire to keep certain memories alive and keep my idea of 'who I am' according to the primary relationships that I have formed throughout my life 'alive'.

So basically all this time, even though I have consciously believed myself to have 'let go of the past' and 'moved on' as many things in my world and my life have changed, I have created new relationships and I am surrounded by different people in my life as it currently is , I had actually been hiding an unwillingness inside of myself to truly let go of the past and to give myself a chance to truly start again and create new relationships with people that are actually part of my life as in my daily participation with the world around me.

Only this time, a point that very clearly needs to be corrected if I want to start focusing on those 'new relationships' however, is my definition of what 'relationships' are, because it is simply not functional or healthy when my 'relationships' are with fictions of my own imagination based on memories of my 'former self' and a reluctance to let go of the past and of 'who I used to be'. Functional and healthy relationships should be based on actual reality such as for instance the people that I can see around me, people that I actually talk to and interact with on a real physical level. And this 'physical level' doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be able to touch them physically, it merely means that there cannot exist any pictures, images or projections in my mind constituting or defining those relationships. A relationship shouldn't be a memory or a thought, it should be an action, for instance the action of talking to someone or spending time with someone because that is what is real. Anything that exists in the mind that isn't based on fact, cannot be trusted because it simply isn't real.

So please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not saying that Facebook relationships aren't real or valid. Communicating and talking to someone over Facebook is just as real and valid as communicating with someone while being physically together. What isn't real or valid however is for instance spending time thinking about those 'relationships' outside of those real moments of actual communication, because that is when real relationships become mind-relationships and you start disconnecting yourself from reality. When people become images and thoughts in your head because you are wondering about what they think of you or how they see and perceive you, then you are creating a mind-relationship and thus a false relationship.

The correction process of this dysfunctional and unhealthy definition of what relationships are and how I have always lived relationships  would be the application of writing about it, the spoken and written self-forgiveness and the writing out of and looking at how to start stopping myself from creating 'mind-relationships' and rather invest myself in creating and nurturing 'reality/real relationships' - which is what this blog is a testament of. Then it is just a matter of 'walking the talk' which means that those moments wherein I am tempted to go into memory and wonder about what my childhood friends would think of me will come up again in my mind because that is just how I have over time conditioned my mind to 'operate', so then instead of accepting those thoughts as 'real' and as a part of who I am, I rather take a step back and ground myself in the physical reality of the moment and so align myself with reality.

The Following is an expansion on the Self-Forgiveness statements that I spoke in the moment when the emotional reaction came up and which assisted me to release the reaction plus added self-commitment statements wherein I script the 'new program' and definition of 'relationships' that I commit to live from here on out.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing that X has unfriended me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take X unfriending me personally by reacting emotionally to the thought that X has 'cut me out of her life' and 'rejected me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as how I think and believe X perceives and defines me, as someone that she does not want to be friends with and so someone who is less than her and who she doesn't think is good enough to be her friend --- by experiencing inferiority within myself connected with a thought that I am less than X because that is what she thinks of me -- instead of taking responsibility for the fact that who and how I think X to be is a projection that I have created in my own mind and that thus how I think and believe she sees, perceives and judges me is in fact how I think about, see and perceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define X as a part of my life and a part of myself because of the friendship relationship that I have created with her in my childhood and how I had defined who I am within and as that relationship

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need X in my life - if not physically, then mentally within and as the thought that she still reads my posts on Facebook, to be able to be 'myself' and 'complete' because she is part of my memories and because I have defined myself within and as and according to my memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and expect my world and the people in it and my relationships to stay the same or similar to how it was in my memories because of having defined myself within and as my memories and so believing that if my world changes, then I will not be able to exist  within and as those memories anymore because I will also have to change and so won't be 'myself' anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my world were to change, and if I were to 'lose' specific people in my physical world and reality, that I would not be able to exist anymore - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief and experience only shows the extent to which I have defined myself within and as the mind as relationships that exist within and upon memories

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my memories are information and that if I believe that I need my memories to be 'myself' and that thus my world and reality must remain the same according to my memories, then that implies that I have accepted myself to be a system of information, instead of an actual life-force that exist within and as the moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the image and idea that I have of X is information in my mind that is based on memories that I have stored  - and that those memories in itself are also based on preprogrammed information that was already existent within my mind --- and that thus the image that I have of X in my mind, is entirely my own creation

And so I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for this image and idea and memory that I have stored in my mind of X, by having separated myself from my memories of X by creating a relationship with those memories, based on the belief and idea that I need X in my life and I need her to be my friend so that I can be 'myself' --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief of 'needing her' implies that I have suppressed a part of myself and that thus even with 'having her in my life', I would still feel like there is something missing within myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the mind has a tendency to create a onedimensional perception of memories by defining certain memories as positive, wherein I will not actually see how I really experienced myself in those actual moments because I am looking at my own memories through the perception of the mind as feelings rather than seeing who I really am within and as those memories, and see, realize and understand that within those actual moments I didn't experience myself nearly as 'positive' as my mind likes to make it seem

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to define my memories, by experiencing certain memories within and as a positive feeling experience of nostalgia as a belief and idea that 'everything was better in the past' - instead of standing one and equal with my memories and seeing that when I was in those actual moments in 'the past', I didn't experience myself as only 'positive' , in fact I mostly experienced myself as negative  - which is what the mind suppresses when I look back on my memories to create the illusion that I have to hold on to my memories and that somehow my memories are 'good' and that I need my memories to be 'good' and to be a good/positive version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for positive experiences within my memories and to believe that I must hold on to my memories to experience myself positively - and that I have within that separated myself from my mind and from the memories that exist within my mind, by searching for something 'more' within myself, instead of standing one and equal with my real memories as the actual experience of myself in 'the past', which was not at all 'positive' but in fact mostly negative and emotionally charged

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the positive experience that I feel towards my memories doesn't have anything to do with the actual memories themselves, and that the past wasn't actually 'better' or 'positive' or 'good' - but that in fact, how I experienced myself when I was younger was mostly negative and emotional, and that I actually only started focusing more on generating and experiencing positive feelings as I grew older, which is why I am now seeing my memories in a 'positive' light and am now connecting positive experiences to my memories, so that I can experience myself positively and in fact suppress the actual negative experiences that were my actual real experiences in those moments

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of losing those memories isn't actually a fear of losing the real moments that surpassed and that I experienced but it is a fear of losing the positive feeling energy that I have within my mind connected with those memories and wherein I have made the memories seem 'more' than what they actually are, and thus have made 'myself' seem 'more' than who I actually am

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of my memories by accepting and defining myself within and as the idea and belief that I need my memories to be myself, and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that what I actually want and 'need' is the positive feeling energy that I have connected with my so-called 'memories'

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how it is that I want, need and desire this positive experience that I have defined my memories within and why and how it is that I have connected this positive energetic charge to the 'memories' stored in my mind -- and that I have thus never seen, realized and understood that this desire, need and want for a positive experience is in fact a consequence of the negatively charged experiences within myself that I don't want to deal with or face and my fear of those negatively charged internal experiences

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the negatively charged experiences that exist within myself and that were the actual real experiences that I went through within the real actual moments in the past, by trying to suppress and hide those real negative experiences under a positive experience connected with the idea and the belief that 'things were better in the past'

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself 'reminiscing'  or experiencing a feeling of 'nostalgia' in my mind wherein I access memories of a person, connected with a belief, idea and experience that in the past everything was better/nicer/positive, or I see myself going into an experience of missing the past and 'how things were' or regretting that I have lost certain people - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am looking at 'apparent' memories in my mind through the eyes of the mind, wherein  the memory that I am seeing as a picture as well as the feeling experience connected to it, is not the actual memory as how those moments in the past in fact unfolded and how I really experienced myself, but is a 'veil' that I have constructed and created to be able to suppress and hide those actual real experiences that I went through in those moments

And so, I see, realize and understand that those pictures in my mind that I call 'memories' are not in fact my real memories and thus are not in fact 'who I am' because they are fabrications of the mind as a system of energy which I have used to not have to take responsibility for myself and to not actually face all of the negatively charged experiences that I have experienced when I was younger

And so I see, realize and understand that the experience of fear of losing 'myself' if I were to lose specific people in my world and reality of which I have stored 'memories' in my mind, connected with positively charged feeling experiences, is not actually real because those 'memories' that I have in my mind of this person or these people is in fact a construct of the mind that I use to hide and suppress the reality of how I experienced myself in those moments -- which was never as onedimensional, limited and 'positive' as depicted in the images in my so-called 'memory'

So I commit myself to not hide or suppress who I really am within myself and the experiences that really exist within myself, and thus commit myself to not use the mind-construct of 'memories' in separation of myself and connected with onedimensional feeling experiences to suppress and hide that reality of myself which is in fact negatively charged

And so I commit myself to be honest with myself about what Is really going on within myself and so not simply trust that the onedimensional pictures and feelings of my 'memories' that come up in the mind are 'real' and are 'who I am' - but rather I commit myself to investigate what negatively charged experiences I am actually trying to hide and suppress behind these 'memory-depictions', so that I can get to realizing the reality of myself and of life as myself and stop existing within and as the lie that 'the past was better' or that life is somehow positive --- because I see, realize and understand that any positive feelings are always only based on pictures and images in the mind that I have in fact deliberately created as a veil so that I wouldn't see that how I have actually always really experienced myself throughout my life, was within and as negatively charged emotional experiences