2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

Changing an Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

In Part 1 and Part 2 I have began opening up a tendency that I experienced within my mind in terms of how I would react to specific situations or rather to how I perceived and interpreted those situations in my mind. When I perceived or interpreted that my partner was in some way upset, unhappy, angry or in an annoyed state, then my reaction to that would be one of going into fear, inferiority, insecurity and self-doubt as essentially the opposite of the reactions that I perceived within him. And thus within this reaction I interpreted and experienced him to be the 'dominant' person and myself the 'victim' or 'dominated' person within the relationship.

This reaction in itself would then end up sparking other emotional reactions like blame and anger within myself since I was busy projecting this dominant personality within him and so implicitly placing him responsible for the inferiority and fear that I was experiencing within myself.

Since opening it up within and through the application of the Desteni tools, I have been able to develop more of an understanding of what happens within myself when I go into this emotionally overwhelming experience in those specific situations and through this, I have been more able to breathe through most of the reactions when I see them entering my mind. However, because this specific system is so deeply ingrained within myself, it exists in multiple layers that I must still open up and investigate so that I can start moving through the deeper layers of this mind-construct and so I can stop myself from going into the overwhelmingness of it and so not end up losing myself in this construct.

What I have been investigating and looking at in the past few days is the joker character that I step into in my interaction with my partner, wherein I most of the time I am in this 'joking' mood and am trying to keep the conversations 'light' and 'fun' by making jokes of things and playfully ridiculing things or poking fun at things. I discovered that it is actually this specific character and me accessing it in relation to my partner, that is another layer of the mind which contributes to why I feel insecure, inferior and fearful within myself in towards him in moments.

I have always defined the joker character as a fun and good personality trait, which is why I use it to try and make and keep people in my relationships happy, within and as the motto that as long as people are laughing, then they are having fun and feeling good and thus they feel good about me, thus they love me. However it is exactly that starting point behind this 'joking around' behaviour and personality trait, of doing it because I want people to love me, which is creating the opposite experience within myself.

When I look at my general experience in relation to people, I would say that it is actually rather negative. Most of the time I feel insecure about myself, self-conscious, inferior and I often believe or feel like people don't actually like me all that much. And by having investigated this joker personality within myself, I have seen, realized and understood that I feel this way because my starting point within how I express myself in relation to the people around me, is one wherein I am actually already from the get go assuming that people won't like me for who I am and that I need to be, behave and express myself as this 'likeable' persona, within and as for instance making jokes and 'being funny', in order to generate positive feelings about me within people so that based on those positive feelings, they would 'like me'.

So it is fascinating how that works, that while I am busy exerting this energetically charged personality which exists entirely for the purpose of making people happy and making people laugh and like me, I am simultaneously actually creating the opposite experience within myself and I don't even notice. So I end up feeling as though, the harder I try to get people to like me within that positively charged 'likeable' personality of joking around, the more I end up feeling negative within myself and within that I essentially experience exactly that which I feared experiencing in the first place. And all the while I never noticed that it was within my very participating in the positive energy, that I was creating the negative experience and so creating the very thing that I was fearing.

I am starting to see the consequences of my participating in this personality system more acutely since I have become aware of it -- I can see the negative experience of fear, inferiority and insecurity coming up in the moment right after I made that joke or poked fun or tried to make something sound funny or light. Because, the problem isn't that I am making a joke, the problem is that I do it with an energy experience, that I am trying to create a specific experience within the other person from the starting point of believing and assuming within myself that they won't and don't like me for who I am.

It is fascinating to see how it is never about what I do as it is about my starting point behind and within what I do. The starting point determines what I will create. So, if my starting point is the belief that I am not being liked or loved, then no matter what I do to try and prevent or change that, I will end up feeling unloved and disliked. Whereas if I express myself without necessarily wanting to be 'more' or  be 'positive', 'funny', 'likeable', 'sociable' or 'fun', then I already stand within the realization and understanding that I am alright as who I am .

Obviously that point of seeing who I actually am, and so seeing beyond the personality constructs, does take a process of getting to know yourself and walking through conscious and subconscious layers of the mind. I believed for a very long time that this joker personality is who I really am, that it was my 'true expression', my natural real expression and that I was 'just being me' when I was busy making fun of things or trying to liven things up or lighten the mood with a joke. It is however only recently that I became aware of the energetic dynamic that is really playing out within and behind it.

And I could only see that because of the steps that I have already walked previously within investigating and changing the experience of inferiority within myself in relation to people - a process that I have specifically been walking in relation to my partner, as that is where the experience of inferiority came up more intensely and noticeably. A process wherein I have been slowly but surely peeling away the layers within and of my consciousness that constitute the emotional experience of feeling inferior and insecure within myself in relationships with the people in my world and reality.

This point thus, the existence of a personality system of wanting to make people laugh and feel good through making jokes is another layer that I have discovered within myself and for which I have now, through having applied the tool of writing in self-honesty, laid the foundation for change. And that change is what I can manifest through applying the tool of written self-forgiveness and self-correction and then living the actual physical change in real-time moments of not allowing myself to go into the joker personality and instead remain stable within myself rather than expressing myself from the starting point of energetic movements such as the desire to make people happy and get people to like me through exerting specific behaviour. And thus, by living that change in real-time moments, I will condition myself into living in a way that creates actual stability within my relationships with people, so that I can start giving myself the opportunity to find out and discover the true potential of relationships and myself within relationships with people.

The Following is the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I have written down to assist and support myself within releasing the joker character and preparing the way for myself to start changing this character in real-time.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a personality system wherein I think and believe that I must be funny and fun-loving and enjoyable for other people so that other people would love and accept me, when I am in the presence of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into that preprogrammed personality expression of wanting to be fun and funny and wanting to make the other person laugh whenever I am with X and to define myself entirely  within and as that tendency to 'want to make him laugh' --- and not seeing and realizing what I am actually busy creating and what I am actually doing within and as myself, which is going into a specific energetic experience motivated by a fear within myself of not being loved and accepted and therein creating the experience within and as myself that I am not loved or accepted

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a polarity within myself of fearing that X doesn't love me and desire for X to love me -- and that from that starting point within myself, I then start to desperately look for ways to make sure that X will love me, for instance by expressing myself within and as joking around, making jokes, being goofy and trying to be fun and make X laugh -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am actually doing is separating myself from X by firstly defining myself within and as the reaction of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved and secondly then trying to play into and manipulate paul's feelings through exerting a specific personality behaviour, and that because of that separation that I am busy creating within myself from paul as myself I actually end up feeling inferior and even more insecure and fearful than I did before

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the energy experiences within myself of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved that activates within myself in relation to X - by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the personality expression of 'being fun-loving', 'making jokes',  'joking around', 'not taking anything seriously' and 'being playful' and so hiding what is really going on within myself as the actual starting point of that personality system as who I believe myself to be

And so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself and so not hide experiences of fear behind positively charged personality systems - within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I create who and what I am within and as myself, regardless of how I behave or how I appear to be within and as my 'personality expression' --- and that if I exist within myself within and as a fear of not being loved then the experience of not being loved is what I will end up creating, no matter how much I try to be 'likeable' and 'loveable' to other people --- if anything, the more I try, the more I am actually reinforcing and validating that point of fear that is at the starting point of it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express who I really am as a being in relation to X by having accepted and allowed myself to express myself within and as a personality system based on experiences of fear and desire within my mind

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, because I haven't been expressing myself within and as self-honesty, as who I really am as a being -- I have also not been able to see who X is as a being and I have been experiencing insecurities and fears because of that separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself from myself as a being and from X as a being

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I preoccupy myself with fears and desires in relation to X loving me, and the  experience of insecurity, fear and inferiority that is the consequences of that preoccupation, then I am not seeing X as who he is within and as physical reality and I am not perceptive, attentive or aware of what is going on within him --- because every expression that he makes, I immediately interpret within and as that polarity of fear and desire for him to love me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, wherein I take everything that he does, says and expresses personally and so don't actually get to know him

And I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I don't let go of the energetically charged personality within myself and preoccupation in my mind of wanting X to love me and see and consider who X is and what is going on with and within X, then I am in fact only fuelling the experiences of insecurity and fear within myself in relation to X because those experiences are defined within and as ideas, beliefs and perceptions in the mind, which are based on a lack of insight and understanding of what is really going on in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the principle and realization that I create who and what I am within and as myself - and thus the realization that if I express myself and if I exist within and as the starting point of insecurity and fear within myself within and as the fear of not being loved, then I will create exactly what my starting point already is, which is fear and insecurity --- and I will this experience more fear and insecurity, the more I express myself from the starting point of fear and insecurity

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to love myself and to create the starting point of self-love and self-acceptance and self-respect within and as myself - so that from that starting point I can create that which exist within and as myself in my external world and reality --- within and as the principle of who and what I am is what I will create

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, by defining myself within and as the personality system of wanting to make people laugh by trying to be funny and fun  and enjoyable, I am abdicating my responsibility for how I actually feel within myself within and as the experience of fear of not being loved - and that I am therein indirectly blaming other people for not loving me and so for that fear that I am experiencing within myself --- instead of being self-honest and seeing, realizing and understanding that I am responsible for how I experience myself within myself and standing one and equal with the point of fear and desire in relation to 'being loved'  and so standing within and as the point of self-love

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to create who I am within and as myself as what I want to see and experience in my world and reality - within and as the realization and understanding that who I am within and as myself is what I create - and so that I have never accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the living expression and statement of self-love, one and equal with the love that I want to see and experience within my external world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the emotional experiences of insecurity and fear, connected to the thoughts in my mind that X doesn't love me or that people don't love me - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame X and 'people' for how I am experiencing myself -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these experiences of fear and insecurity are consequences of the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist from myself and others as myself by having accepted and allowed myself to express and define myself within and as the personality system of wanting to be fun, enjoyable and loveable for other people and by not having accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about and take responsibility for how I really feel and who I really am within and as myself

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thoughts in my mind that 'X doesn't love me' or 'people don't love me', connected with experiences of insecurity and fear, actually show and indicate that I don't love myself and that I do not exist within and as self-love within and as myself and that I have not taken responsibility to create the love that I want to see and experience in my world and reality within and as myself first and foremost

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of who I am within and as myself when I express myself within and as the personality system of joking around and wanting to be playful and funny and wanting to make X or other people laugh - and so not be aware of what it is that I am actually busy creating through the starting point from which I am expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that personality systems always exist from the starting point of fear because within and as a personality system I am busy limiting all of who I am by defining myself within and as a specific set of expressions and descriptions as being the 'who' I want other people to think I am and see me as, such as 'fun', 'funny', 'lovely' and  'fun-loving' in an attempt to control specific factors in my external world and reality which I think and believe are causing the fear that I am experiencing within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining myself within and as a personality system as accepted and allowed self-limitation instead of being honest with myself about the fears that exist within myself and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for -- and see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to express and define myself within and as a personality system, then I am in fact separating myself from the very thing that I am wanting to experience and have and that I am using the personality system for, because within and as a personality system I am wanting and needing other people to give me a specific experience, rather than me creating that experience within and as myself

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, within and as the personality system of wanting to be loved by trying to make people laugh and trying to be funny and fun and loveable, I am in fact separating myself from the love that I am wanting, needing and searching for by projecting it outside of myself within and as the desire for other people to love me

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to define the personality system of joking around and being fun and funny and not taking things seriously as something 'positive' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the tendency to want to make jokes and make fun out of things and make things humorous, comes the starting point of fear of getting hurt and rejected if I wouldn't go into that personality expression and if I were to simply be and express who I am in the moment without trying to generate positive feelings and without trying to make people laugh and enjoy themselves

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I actually fear being 'serious', because taking things seriously means that I really invest myself within my expression and I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret that as being vulnerable to people's reaction to me and my expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself or others 'seriously' out of fear of being hurt and because I think and believe that if I make a joke out of everything and in that, pretend that I don't really care about anything, then I will not get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the joker personality to protect myself from getting hurt - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact I am the one hurting myself by not existing within and as self-love and believe that I have to be a specific personality so that other people would love me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the joker personality to interact with people because I don't have self-respect or self-love --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-respect and self-love is something that I have to build over time, through remaining consistent within myself --- and that, each time I accept and allow myself to react with fear in relation to people and from the fear accept and allow myself to go into the joker personality, I confirm to myself and condition into myself that I have no self-love or self-respect and that the desire to be loved and fear of not being loved by people is who I am

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself in a 'joking' and 'fun' or 'funny' way in relation to paul or other people - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am busy 'trying' to be someone or do something and within that trying I am not being simply myself and I am in fact making a statement that I am not good enough and that I believe that people don't actually like me for who I am and that therefore I must be something or someone else for people to like me

And I see, realize and understand that what I create is always one and equal with my starting point - and that if my starting point is the belief that people don't like me, then no matter what I do or how I express myself, I will always feel like people just don't like me

I see, realize and understand that when I am going into a positive and high energetically charged experience within myself when I express myself, for instance when I go into a joking character and I try to be 'fun' and 'funny', then I am in fact simultaneously creating and fuelling a negative point within myself that I have defined myself within and as - such as a fear that people don't like me and a belief that people don't like me -- and that thus, the more I accept and allow myself to go into that positive experience in relation to my expression wherein I am trying to hide and suppress the fear, the more I in fact end up feeling afraid and feeling like people don't like me

I commit myself to live the strength and courage to remain stable within myself when I am expressing myself around people and to not allow myself to try and get away from or suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to people not liking my natural expression - and to rather face the fears within myself and develop and establish self-love and self-acceptance within the realization that I will always only find in my external reality that which already exists within myself within and as my starting point

So I commit myself to live the love and acceptance that I have always longed and searched for within other people -- as a living statement of who I am --- by changing these personality traits of wanting to try and be funny and fun and enjoyable for other people to try and get people to like me, because I see, realize and understand that all that I am really doing is creating the experience within myself that people just don't like me by not seeing and realizing myself as the creator of myself and my existence

I commit myself to be and become the living word of stability wherein I do not accept or allow myself to be moved and influenced by the mind as feeling and emotional experiences, because I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to be moved by feeling and emotional experiences within and as personality systems such as wanting people to like me and trying to be fun and fun-loving and funny and essentially trying to be 'more' and 'better' than 'myself', that I am giving away my power and all of who I am and I accept and allow myself to then exist in constant insecurity, uncertainty and inferiority

And so I commit myself to express myself from the starting point of stability within and as myself as the realisation and understanding and living statement that I am 'good enough' and that I do not need to be 'more' or 'better' and I do not need other people to like me so that I can like myself

I am self-acceptance  and I accept myself unconditionally because that is what is best for myself as life and I see, realize and understand that unconditional self-acceptance is a real genuine expression of what life really is as softness and gentleness as in being soft and gentle on myself by not judging myself or not creating these ideas and beliefs in my mind that somehow I am 'not good enough'

Life as who I really am within and as myself is unconditional acceptance and gentleness

2014 When Love is Empty - How to Know when Love is Real

 2014 When Love is Empty - How to Know when Love is Real

 Transforming Love from Feeling to Reality in Real-Time

For a while now I am in a long distance relationship where I am communicating with my partner over Viber, which is this new communication application like Skype, only on Viber there is a larger database of pictures - called 'stickers' - to communicate with. When my partner and I were physically together, we never talked to each other in a way where we used the kind of pre-ordained 'lovey dovey' statements and expressions such as 'I love you' or 'you are my world' or 'I can't live without you' or other such expressions  that form part of  how relationships have been programmed in the unconscious mind of most of humanity, with the help of movies, magazines and books, and which are mostly referred to as 'romance' and 'love'.

We specifically did not express such things because we are both quite aware of the preprogrammed nature of such expressions - preprogrammed from the perspective that those specific words of 'I love you', 'you are my soul-mate' or 'I can't live without you' are not in fact expressions of who we are within ourselves - they come from outside sources such as media and other cultural and environmental influences where we have both come in contact with words, concepts and ideas such as 'romance' and 'love'. I mean, what I have found with myself in relation to expressing words like 'I love you' is that, within actually speaking the words, there is a part of myself that is very much aware that the words that I am speaking in that moment don't come from myself, they come from somewhere else and I am just kind of following the 'program'. So, I personally always refrained from expressing words such as 'love' towards the people in my world and reality because when I looked within myself in self-honesty, I could not find a reference point for those words - I could not find a real, genuine meaning for those words, so to me they were empty expressions that I felt would render me equally empty inside if I were to accept and allow myself to express them.

And I considered (and consider) myself to be very fortunate to have been able to create a relationship with another person within that awareness - where my partner and I were in agreement in relation to  both having an equal awareness within ourselves in relation to the word 'love' being a rather empty expression as how it has been lived, expressed, experienced and defined in the world currently and it therefore not doing justice to describing our appreciation for each other. So, we were doing perfectly fine never expressing any of the 'romantic'-type expressions that you would find portrayed in the common image and idea of how relationships are defined in this world - which can specifically be seen and referenced within movies and books -- and we never felt the need to.

But then once we started communicating via Viber something interesting developed - which is that, because of all those 'stickers' available to communicate with, a lot of which was in accordance with the preprogrammed conception of 'a relationship', where you had for instance lots of stickers involving couples kissing, stickers with hearts, stickers saying "I love you", etcetera - and because we didn't have the opportunity anymore to physically express our regard and appreciation for each other, through physically kissing, hugging and touching each other - we started using those stickers and we started using the word 'love' to somehow try to express what we felt we weren't able to express anymore because of the physical aspect being missing. This just kind of emerged and developed 'naturally' so it felt like it was just us expressing ourselves with each other - and,in itself obviously there isn't anything particularly 'wrong' with expressing ourselves in that way, we're just using the means and tools at our disposal to be able to express how we feel towards each other.

After a while however a specific experience emerged within myself. The warm and fuzzy feeling that I initially experienced within my communication and interaction with my partner that I had defined as our 'connection' and as 'love' seemed to be 'fading' and making place for this experience of emptiness and even a slight resistance in relation to our interactions - where, more and more I found myself trying to 'bring life into' our conversations and kind of forcing myself to bring back the memories of how I used to feel when I talked with him. And in my mind I kept on looking back on these memories and thinking 'why don't I feel that way anymore?', together with an experience of desire and a want to experience myself and my relationship and interactions with my partner again as how I experienced myself in those memories. I mean, I could not put my finger on it, because it wasn't really our communication in itself that had changed - it was just my experience within and of it that had changed and within that it looked like 'I just don't love him as much as I used to anymore'.

So then I was starting to believe that this is 'just how things are', that this is simply how relationships go where initially things start out with lots of experiences and feelings of excitement and 'love' because everything is still new and both partners are still getting to know each other - but after a while as you get to know each other more, the excitement 'wears off' and so the 'love' experience isn't as strong anymore. But then I realized that what I was experiencing was in fact energy - I was feeling disconnected and empty as an energetic emotional experience within myself -- which means that these experiences that emerged within me are not based on actual reality, but are existent within an alternate reality that I have created within my own mind through having participated in the act of thinking and reacting to those thoughts with emotions and feelings over a specific period of time. And that thus, what was happening was not so much that my 'love' for my partner was diminishing or disappearing in fact, but that in some way I have been separating and disconnecting myself from my partner and from who I am in relation to him through my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences in my own mind - which then eventually had lead up to the creation of an emotional experience of emptiness and disconnection, that I then interpreted in my mind as a 'loss of love'.

When I realized this, I then investigated how, where and when it is that I had been accepting and allowing myself to create a separation and disconnection within myself in my relationship with my partner -- and I found that it was the moment that we started using the word 'love' in our conversations, together with all the stickers of the little hearts and kisses and stuff. Upon looking within my memories, I could see how there were reactions occurring within myself each time my partner said that he loved me and each time he posted a sticker with an image of a couple kissing or hugging - and that I was starting to experience specific feelings in relation to those expressions of 'love' from my partner that I hadn't been experiencing towards him before . At that time, I didn't realize or see it - but what was busy happening in those moments was that my actual love and connection that I experienced within myself in relation to my partner, was slowly but surely being replaced by a FEELING of love and connection -- a feeling that was triggered and activated by and connected to specific words such as 'I Love You' and images like hearts and kisses.

I mean, my actual love for my partner as how it existed before those feelings emerged within me, was not a feeling in my mind but more like a deep understanding and appreciation within myself in relation to who my partner is and what my relationship with him is in my life - which is why I didn't need him to actually use the words 'I love you' for me to be able to understand what he means to me. I saw and understood who he is as a being and my love for him was based on that understanding. Whereas now, with this preprogrammed system of 'love' as defined within specific words, images and feeling experiences entering my mind - it was overlapping and suppressing the real love that was already there -- and so ended up creating an experience of disconnect, separation and emptiness.

That was essentially what I was doing with allowing the preprogrammed definition of 'love' in my mind to replace my real physical relationship with my partner - I was disconnecting and separating myself from the reality of my relationship and so creating an 'emptiness' within and as my internal experience of my relationship because that is what the preprogrammed system of 'love' essentially is, it is empty from the perspective that it is an already pre-ordained construct of specific words, images, feelings and emotions wherein there is no genuine individual expression of myself - it is in a way 'void of life'. It is a program in the mind that runs on energy so it will initially generate a lot of positive energy of excitement, but that will start to 'wear off' eventually as the nature of energy is that it burns up resources and eventually fades out - at which point the reality of the energy reveals itself within and as that 'inner emptiness' and the experience of disconnection and separation.

With just realizing, seeing and understanding that point, of how I had accepted and allowed myself to be duped by my own mind and had accepted and allowed my mind to suppress who I am as a being within and as physical reality in terms of my experience within and of my relationship with my partner, which opened up as I was talking about the experience with him - the 'mist' in my mind already cleared up a lot, meaning that the entire experience of emptiness and disconnection in relation to my partner released for a great part.

So, I realized and understood something quite valuable from this experience - which is that, if I accept and allow myself within and as my relationship with my partner to in any way be directed by pre-ordained expressions, ideas and experiences - for instance within reacting with specific feeling experiences to words like 'I love you' and to specific gestures, behaviors and words that I have copied within myself from having watched movies, read magazines and observed other people within their expressions in their relationships - without establishing for myself who I am in relation to these copied and integrated expressions -- then the consequences of me giving my expression away to a preprogrammed 'format' of expression as Feeling experiences inside of myself will be that eventually I will start experiencing a disconnection and separation from my partner and an emptiness within myself in relation to those expressions and in relation to my relationship and my 'love' for my partner. And that is because of the energetic patterns involved within this preprogrammed expression and experience of love. The pattern of which will initially take the energy into a 'high' as lots of excitement and 'warm and fuzzy' feelings, that would be defined as 'love' - and will then take the energy into a 'low' as the experience of disconnection, separation and emptiness, which will be defined and experienced as apparently having 'lost love'.

And that is unfortunately the pattern that most relationships in this world follow because most people, just like me, tend to accept and allow preprogrammed ideas and conceptions in their mind to decide for them how they will experience their relationship and express and experience themselves within the relationship - instead of being Self-Honest and investigating and exploring who they really are as a being and how they can align their relationship with their partner to stand as a platform of support for who they are as a being. And this is also the primary reason why many relationships don't tend to last that long - as a consequential outflow effect of accepting and allowing the word Love to play into Feelings and emotions in the mind, instead of Self being the Directive Force and Deciding Factor of what that word Love actually practically entails within and as the physical reality of the Relationship.

In my next blog on this process of Transforming the Word Love from a Consequential Pattern of Energy into a Stable Platform for Self-Expression and Self-Expansion within a Relationship - I will share the next Step to be walked, which is to walk a Process of Redefining the word 'Love' and within that, establish a stable internal understanding and integration of what the word Love would practically mean and stabilize our relationship to the word Love, so as to ensure that using this word within our relationship and our interaction and communication with our partner doesn't create any detrimental consequences and doesn't in any way end up sabotaging our relationship.

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 2

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/07/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.E22qHWud.dpuf

In Part 1 I have discussed and laid out the basic pattern that I have been faced with in my relationship with a male partner, which was one of inferiorizing myself within myself to and towards my partner within an emotional pattern that gets activated by a fear of losing my partner that at some point in our relationship starts coming up within myself.

Now, as I noticed myself going into this specific emotional pattern of inferiority within and as the specific emotional reactions and experiences as described in Part 1 again - I saw and realized that I was accepting and allowing myself to step into a self-destructive pattern within my mind and that if I do not stop and change myself within this pattern immediately, it will start spinning out of control and it will eventually lead to the end of the relationship and thus the manifestation of the fear that is at the very starting point of this self-sabotaging emotional pattern - because, I have witnessed myself playing out this pattern before in my relationships with other people and, even though the entire pattern is based on trying to hold on to those relationships out of fear of losing them, it ended up eventually costing me the relationship.

The moment that I could identify within myself as what triggered and started activating the pattern of self-suppression within and as emotional reactions and experiences of fear, sadness, depression and self-pity, is when I perceived and interpreted the behavior and expression of my partner to be 'distanced' and 'reserved' - to which I within myself reacted with backchat and internal conversations, saying to myself that 'he is annoyed with me for some reason' and 'he doesn't like something that I did or said', which then triggered projections within my mind wherein I imagined that he would eventually break up with me because he 'doesn't like me anymore' or because 'he is feeling more and more annoyed with me', connected with an emotional experience of fear.

From that point of fear, connected with seeing those future projections in my mind of 'him breaking up with me', I then go into a point of depression as a way of subconsciously trying to manipulate myself and my partner to take pity on me and then, out of pity, give me what I want. I mean, I have never realized this about the nature of depression, but as I have walked my process of investigating who I am within and as my own mind, I have come to the conclusion that indeed, depression is a self-created deliberate experience motivated by a desire to have control over my environment and manipulate my environment to be and move according to what I personally want and desire. For instance, in this specific pattern, the experience of depression is only there because I actually fear losing something and because in my subconscious mind I believe that I can hold on to what I fear losing through using depression to initiate an experience of pity within other people.

So, as I was seeing myself sinking into a depression and entertaining all sorts of backchat within my mind wherein I was basically fueling the experience of depression in a continuous feedback cycle and diminishing myself more and more - and I could simultaneously see that while I was participating in this mind-construct of trying to hold on to and have control over that which I feared losing, being my partner and our relationship, I was actually busy creating the exact opposite of that by pushing my partner and our relationship away from myself through isolating myself within and as the experience of depression, and thus essentially manifesting my own fear - I then decided to sit myself down in front of my laptop and stop myself within and as this experience through writing Self-Forgiveness.

At the end of this blog is an excerpt from the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements that I wrote out in that moment – which, after having looked at it again later on, didn’t specifically correlate with the basic design of the point that I was facing in that moment and that I had written out in my first blog – nonetheless, because I moved and directed myself in finding an immediate solution to my emotional reactions in the moment as they came up, the self-forgiveness and self-correction that I applied is still relevant and was still effective.

Through, within the moment that I saw and experienced myself being enveloped by and within an emotional experience, accompanied by specific thoughts that I was entertaining in my mind, applying this written Self-Forgiveness, I was able to stop the immediate overwhelmingness of the experience within myself and stop myself from fueling the thoughts further and going deeper into it - and so essentially bypassing some possible consequences in relation to my expression and behavior to and towards my environment.

 However, I found that in terms of this experience and its trigger point, upon investigating myself in self-honesty - I can see that there are still layers existing within myself of how this specific mind-construct exists, works and functions within myself. So, within the Next Step I will share how I am facing this pattern within my life and how I am , through applying the Tools of Self-honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Practical real-time Self-Correction, changing it within and as myself and simultaneously changing my Life and Relationships in my external world and reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will reject me and break up with me just like Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my memory of Y onto X and expect that X will express himself and behave in the same way as Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear that the past will repeat itself and to therein already blame X for making me feel rejected and alone by assuming that he will inevitably do the same as what I believe Y has done onto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an experience of blame and anger towards Y within and as the thought that 'he broke up with me for no reason' and that 'he hurt me by making me feel rejected and unworthy when he broke up with me' - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this memory and this experience of rejection and unworthiness -- where now I believe that X will do the same thing and that I again will experience myself as rejected and unworthy just like in my memory of Y --- instead of releasing the past through realizing that in fact how Y expressed himself within and as 'breaking up with me' was never personal and that I felt rejected and unworthy because I created personal interpretations and perceptions of his expression wherein I took his expression personally - rather than seeing and recognizing his expression directly as simply an expression of who he is as a life form and so seeing, realizing and understanding that his expression did not define me personally

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my memories of Y by blaming him for the rejection and unworthiness that I experienced within and as myself by thinking that 'he made me feel that way by breaking up with me' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the problem has all along been me in my mind having created personal interpretations of his expression and having taken his expression personally by 'feeling rejected'  and by defining myself within and as his reaction to me --- instead of remaining stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that Y breaking up with me is an expression of who he is within and as himself and how he has accepted and allowed himself to react to his world and reality, which is completely based on his own past and memories in his mind and the parts of himself that he doesn't want to be confronted with - and has got nothing to do with who I am as a being within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my starting point within creating a relationship with Y is that I was looking for validation and recognition in separation from myself wherein I was thus already defining myself within and as 'how Y sees me' rather than creating relationships with other beings from the starting point of existing and standing within and as self-validation and self-recognition -- and that is why, when Y broke up with me, I took it personally and I defined myself within and as his reaction/opinion/judgment/experience of me --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I decide who I am and I define who I am within and as myself  and that the response and reactions of other beings to me are never personal just like my reactions to other people are never personal

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the points that I have blamed in Y such as him not having communicated with me about why he wanted to break up or what he wasn't satisfied with in the relationship and Y not being direct with me about what he wanted out of the relationship and where he stood in relation to me - is actually points that I have not taken responsibility for to develop within and as myself --- and that it is in fact my responsibility to stand and live as that which I want from my partner within and as the relationship and i thus have to walk a process of self-investigation and self-creation to be and become a living example of what is best for all with regards to being in a relationship with someone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within and as my expression to and towards my partner out of fear that I may lose him I he doesn't agree with or like my expression - and that I have therein created the consequence of in fact losing the relationship because the reality of who I am cannot be hidden forever --- instead of being direct with myself and my partner from the beginning of the relationship and not waver in my stance, within and as the realization and understanding that if I try to suppress parts of myself because of fear that my partner may leave me then I am sabotaging the potential of the relationship to become something real, because who I really am within and as myself will come out eventually so my partner will see the 'real me' anyways

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Y for not being direct with me about who he is and where he stands and for the relationship eventually falling apart instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the relationship fell apart because I wasn't honest with myself from the get go and because I tried to hide and suppress who I really am out of fear of losing the relationship --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is the consequence of placing the relationship before myself and not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I do not stand and exist within and as self-honesty and self-expression, self-respect and self-acceptance, then the relationship will also not be supportive of who I really am

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give superior value to the word, concept and idea of 'the relationship' with regards to being with Y and to place this word/concept and idea above myself in separation of myself within my mind and therein not see, recognize or consider the actual reality of what it means to be in a relationship with another being -- where, in fact, the only thing that really makes up the relationship and that makes a relationship 'work' is me and my relationship with myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have given such superior value to the concept and idea of having a relationship and being in a relationship in my mind, suppress and hide myself and hold myself back in my expression in relation to my partner, within and as the idea and belief  in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I will have more control over the relationship and over my partner if I suppress myself and if I try to change and transform myself like a chameleon to be and become that which I believe and think my partner will 'like' and 'enjoy' and that in this way I will be able to keep the 'relationship' in my world --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 'the relationship' as an idea, concept and thought in my mind, Is an illusion because in reality it isn't an actual 'thing' that exist in separation of myself that I can 'hold on to' or 'have' --- the 'relationship' is simply a word that refers to an interaction between two manifestations in physical reaction - wherein thus 'the relationship' will be equal and one with what I create within and as my interaction with this other manifestation/being --- wherein thus, the relationship is not a 'static' and onedimensional idea or concept, it is a constant movement and expression of 'who I am', that does not have more value than 'who I am' within and as myself

I forgive myself  that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with Y and the fact that it 'ended' was because my starting point within and as it was in separation of myself, where thus the ending was one and equal with the beginning - because, in reality, I never actually really considered the practical dimensions involved in actually living and walking a real-time relationship with Y because all that I considered was this idea in my mind of 'the relationship' that I had given superior value over the actual practical reality

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, I never actually had a real relationship with Y, because I never even bothered to put in the effort required to establish a real connection and understanding between him and me or to even be direct and straightforward and honest with myself about who I am and where I stand in relation to the relationship

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear and inferiority towards my partner, within and as a thought in my mind that 'I am going to lose him' and 'he will break up with me' and 'our relationship is going to end' if I express myself in this or that way - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that within this fear and thought process I am actually projecting the past onto the future , by connecting a memory of my last relationship break up onto the current one, within and as a fear that the same thing is going to happen to me -- meaning that 'he is going to break up with me and I will feel very sad and depressed and rejected'

Here, I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as blame towards my previous partner for 'breaking up with me' where I have defined myself to be 'the victim' - and that therein I am not taking responsibility for how I have actually created my previous relationship and the break up myself through how I did not stand within and as the point of direction and responsibility within the relationship

So, I release this memory of my previous relationship through releasing and forgiving the emotional connection that I have created in my mind with this memory as an experience of blame and fear in relation to Y --- wherein I take responsibility for how the relationship turned out and for what the relationship was and what it existed as --- because I see, realize and understand that the relationship stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself   and that the fact that I felt 'rejected' within and as my relationship with Y, implies that in fact I had rejected myself by not standing as the directive principle within the relationship from the get go because I gave more value to an idea in my mind of 'the relationship'  rather than valuing myself and my own expression

I see, realize and understand that a relationship is nothing more than a physical interaction between two physical manifestation - and that this relationship is entirely created and determined by who the two beings/manifestations are within themselves --- wherein thus, I see, realize and understand that any relationship that I have with another being is entirely determined by who I am within myself and the effort and consideration that I place within creating, building and manifesting this 'relationship'

Meaning that, I see, realize and understand that whenever I become emotional within the relationship - for instance when I allow myself to go into an experience of fear of losing the relationship and then allow this fear to direct my physical expression towards my partner - then I am giving my directive power and responsibility for the relationship away to the mind and am thus not directly creating and forming the relationship into what is best for myself as what stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself

Thus I commit myself to, when and as I see myself becoming emotional within and as an experience of fear and I see myself giving away my power to the mind as fear - to stop and breathe - and to stabilize myself within and as breath within and as the insight, realization and understanding that I am not the victim within the relationship, I am the creative, directive and responsible principle

And so I commit myself to rather stand stable within and as myself and consider what it is that I am actually creating through my behaviour and through the internal and external state of being that I allow myself to go into - wherein I thus stand as the directive principle within and as the living statement that I create everything that is within and of my world in each moment of breath