2012 I Fear being a bad mother

"bad mother" is obviously a judgment that only exist 'in the eyes of others', that is built upon comparison with specific stories that we've read in the news papers or heard somewhere about apparently 'bad mothers' that apparently 'don't raise their child in the right way' - according to all sorts of theories and books that apparently 'have the answer to good motherhood' to which we all simply adapt in our combined fear of being judged by each other as a 'bad mother'.

The fear of being a bad mother actually has got nothing to do with the baby/child - in experiencing this fear, we don't actually consider the baby/child at all, as we are only thinking about our ego within thoughts such as 'what will the other mothers think of me', 'I don't want to be rejected', 'I want them to respect and accept me', 'what if they think I am a bad mother and talk badly about me in the news papers like they do about all the other 'bad mothers' ', 'I don't want to lose face - I want them to like me and support me in my idea that I am a good mother', etc.

So this fear symbolizes the fear of 'going to hell' through being judged. And the fact that this fear of being judged as 'bad' and then going to hell, wherein I will for ever exist in guilt and shame, exist within myself implies that I actually already judge myself as 'bad' because otherwise I would simply trust myself and not even fear going to hell (=feeling guilty and ashamed), as I would realize that there is no reason why I should have to go to hell, because I am 'OK' as who I naturally am.

So, there exist the idea within myself that I am not OK as who I 'naturally am', that I am 'inherently bad/evil' and thus I must 'stick to the rules' within for instance taking care of a baby, and copy other people to make sure that I will always 'do the right thing' in the eyes of others.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a bad mother

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment 'bad mother'

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words 'bad mother' with fear and thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot trust myself when taking care of a baby by believing that i am 'inherently bad' and that I thus have to 'follow the rules' and 'copy other people' to make sure that i am 'good', in the eyes of other people

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terrified and petrified of being judged as 'bad' by other people

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect petrification to the word 'bad' and thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear petrification

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the emotional experience of petrification by fearing it

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgments

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgments by judging other people as being for instance a 'bad mother' by copying the opinions and judgments of what I read in the news papers and hear from other people as they tell stories about apparent 'bad mothers' who apparently don't raise their child in the 'right way' - and to therefore also fear being judged as how I judge others within my mind

i forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to participate in judgments and allow judgments to exist within myself - instead of realizing that all judgments that exist within myself is what i had heard from my environment at one point or another, and that i simply copied from other people, tacitly accepting these judgments about reality as 'other people' as 'the truth', never investigating reality for myself and literally 'never looking further than my nose is long' and realizing that life as who i am as oneness and equality is neither good nor bad, it is no judgment, it is life and me as life am always what is best for life because I am life - to judge myself or to believe that i am judgments is to already state that i separate myself from life, no matter if i judge myself as 'good' or 'bad'


i realize that i am not judgments - and i realize that the judgment of 'bad mother' is in fact a 'scare tactics' as a 'fear label' that the system of humanity uses to keep every human being enslaved to and within judgments as separation, continuously overlooking reality as what is truly best for all - as we get lost within our desire to 'do good' in the eyes of 'God', wherein we don't ever take responsibility for our actions and consequently create a fuck up.

when and as I see judgments such as 'bad mother' coming up within myself when I am with a baby - i stop within myself and i breathe and i stand and remain constant and stable within myself within and as the realization that who i am as the natural, simplistic expression of myself here, is life itself as oneness and equality - I am one and equal with this child as me and I stand within myself within and as the realization that i do not need rules, regulations or judgments to get me to 'do the right thing' as i realize that within what is best for all, there is no 'right or wrong', there is only 'best for all as me' within and as oneness and equality which is who i naturally am here. Thus, i do not allow myself to go into fear of 'not doing it right' or fear of 'being wrong' - as i realize that that is a selfish fear wherein i don't consider the child that is here with me or any other being besides myself and my personal desires of feeling accepted and noticed by other people as the desire to feel good about myself.

thus i breathe through this fear of being judged as 'bad' - within and as the realization that this fear is not really me as i am not a judgment - I am life as the living expression of myself and i do not allow myself to be any less than who i really am as life. I do not allow myself to be scared into diminishing myself through fear of judgments.

2012 The Spiritual Path of "you'll understand when you're older"

"You will see/know/understand when you get older", is a line that parents tend to throw at their children from time to time to get them to passively accept what the parent preaches/teaches without ever questioning the message. They speak these words when a child would start to ask questions about something that the parent said, that for the parent seem 'annoying' as the parent simply wants the child to listen and do what it is told from the notion that 'mother/father knows best - so then why question them?'

Maybe initially they'll attempt to explain why the child needs to do this or that when it starts asking questions - but eventually when it still doesn't 'just do what it is supposed to (according to the parent)' and continues to ask questions, it seems easier for parents to say to the child that 'they will see/know/understand it all as they get older', so for now they should just trust that the parent knows best and not ask so many questions.

So many parents use this phrase 'you'll understand when you're older', without fully looking into what this actually implies, the intention that really lies behind it and the consequences on the child's further development in the way they experience themselves and reality.

Essentially what is being conveyed within this statement of 'understanding what is going on in the world and why we must do certain things only when we've grown up', is that 'life', 'reality' and 'the world is apparently so much bigger and greater than the child and the child is thus placed in an inferior position towards life/reality/the world, eager to grow up as fast as possible to apparently be able to step out of the experience of inferiority and into an experience of 'being a worthy and complete part of reality' just like mom and dad.

Within these words, the child believes that it needs lots and lots of knowledge and information about the world, just like mom and dad, to be a complete and worthy being in this reality - thus believing that 'I will only become complete when I have gathered information and knowledge through growing older in this world'.

This not only creates the experience within the child that they are 'not good enough' as who they are because apparently 'who they have to be' exist somewhere in the distant future - but it is also a self-destroying prophecy because it is in asking questions that children learn about reality, thus they are being kept from expanding themselves and their understanding of reality by being blocked from asking questions through statements like this.

I will now share my experience of living within and as this statement that I had learned from my parents to show that this statement is in fact false and does not serve anyone or anything but the ego of the parents.

Based on the belief that I am 'dumb' and 'stupid' because 'I don't know enough' as what I had learned throughout my childhood in the way that grown ups like my parents and teachers interacted with me, often using these types of statements like 'you'll understand when you're older' to basically shut me up and stop me from asking questions, I existed in this belief and feeling within myself that I have to accumulate as much information and knowledge as I possibly can in as little time as possible to 'become full' and 'whole' as a being.

this started when I was around 10 years old. I just wanted to feel powerful, I just wanted to feel smart so that no one would ever again have 'intellectual superiority' over me and I would never again feel inferior as what I experienced towards my parents. So I would make it a sport of using vocabulary as these big and expensive words and being creative in finding ways of explaining a point so as to convince the other person that I am right and they are wrong and thus I would experience myself to be 'intellectually superior'.

Later in my life, around 18 years of age, this desire of 'being really smart' transformed into a 'spiritual quest' - as the fear of 'not being smart enough' and 'not understanding reality' and thus feeling inferior, had fully integrated itself within me as a part of the personality that I believed myself to be. I believed that knowledge is 'life'/'reality' and therefore I believed that I must get to know all that exist in reality, I must learn about everything, every theory, every conspiracy, every structure, every teaching in this world to make sure that I become a full being - just like buddha. I wanted to make sure that I become 'enlightened' in this lifetime through gathering knowledge and information about 'the universe' and 'reality' in the form of spiritual teachings as fast as possible so that I could eventually stand in that position of being able to say to other beings that 'they will understand when they grow up' or that 'they aren't ready to understand/grasp this or that yet' as what my parents told me, wherein I would draw from my vast amount of knowledge and experiences about reality to prove that 'I am superior in my understanding of life' and that everyone should just listen to me and trust me.

This is also the way many 'spiritual leaders/guru's/teachers' have set themselves up - to stand as that point of ultimate superior 'understanding' within having accumulated 'life-experiences' and 'spiritual wisdom/knowledge' from where they will apparently 'know' who people are and how/what reality is and are able to brush off people that dare question them by stating that 'they are not yet aware' or 'they will see/understand in another life-time' or 'they are not yet mature'. The same goes for beings that have gone to college and earned a college-degree, who have thus gathered more information about reality than others and apparently now stand as 'intellectually superior' and apparently having the 'right' to make claims and statements about 'what reality is' and 'who other beings are' - with their degree as the 'official recognition' that 'they have something to say'.

Now, to come back to my initial point of creating this belief within children that 'they will only understand reality when they've grown up' and that they apparently thus have nothing valid to say in this world - only reveals to us how we have missed the point of what life actually is completely. A child is here, it is alive, so is an animal, a rock, plant, car, and anything that exists here, just like any of us - no matter how old you are, whether or not you know a lot of stuff, read a lot of books, earned lots of degree's, experienced a lot of things, etc.

In fact, the reason why we 'grown ups' have never been able to effectively direct this world into a world that is actually nice, enjoyable and fun to exist in, is because we've completely 'skipped the basics', as we have suppressed ourselves as life completely - only to get lost in knowledge and information within these 'spiritual quests', eternally looking for ourselves within some kind of 'evolutionary process' - instead of realizing that we have in fact always been here and the answer to life, the answer to creating a heaven on earth, has always been here within the simplicity of a child as who we really are.

Now that we're older - would we say that we really do 'understand' what it is all about? Or have we only gotten more lost and confused within the maze of knowledge and information inside our minds? - having forgotten completely that the reason why we became so 'wise' and 'intelligent' is because we just wanted to feel better about ourselves, because we believed that we weren't already complete and ok just the way we are, and not because we necessarily needed all of that knowledge and information.

I got so 'wise' and apparently 'intellectually superior' that I got stuck in questions such as 'Who am I?' and 'What is real?' - because there existed so many concepts about reality within myself as this 'spiritual wisdom' that it leaves one to wonder if all of it is necessary in fact or even real in the first place.

It took a process of self-forgiveness, which I am still walking (since 2008), to completely walk backwards through all of what I had allowed myself to construct within myself as belief-systems about 'what is real' and 'who I am' - as I had eventually realized that while I believed that I was 'evolving' through becoming 'wiser' within and as the mind by accumulating wisdom and knowledge about myself and reality, I was actually 'devolving' because I had been suppressing myself as who I really am as the simplicity of life by defining myself within the belief that 'I will only become a full/complete being when I am older through having accumulated knowledge and experiences that apparently tell me 'what life is all about''.

So, in essence, all that I have understood when and as I got older, is that I've been duped and mislead by human beings that have equally been duped and mislead into believing that I as 'life' require knowledge and information to be able to exist, never realizing that I had only been suppressing life within myself through growing up as a 'knowledge-processing system'.

Investigate Desteni and give yourself the chance and opportunity of getting to know who you are as life and to stop the lie of the mind as knowledge and information.