2012 I Fear the System

I fear formality, bureaucracy, 'seriousness', neutrality, the color grey, rules, regulations, structures, laws, abstraction, agreements, systems, and everything that has anything to do with 'the system' in this world. Because I have always seen 'the system' of laws, rules and regulations about human interaction (which is all pretty much based on economics - wherein people are being forced to 'play nice' in the game of capitalism and not abuse each other too much) as 'dead', as 'not alive' - while what I saw and experienced as 'alive' was the social interaction that occurred between myself and my family and friends and peers - which was 'informal' and 'lose' wherein we apparently did not follow any rules or codes and were apparently able to 'be ourselves', compared to 'the rest of the world' which was a tight system wherein everything follows rules and wherein 'life' has no real value as each one is truly but a number in a computer system database.

And you're somewhat 'lucky' when you were born in a system that calls itself 'socialist' and that apparently is designed to care about you (wherein beings then tend to get lost in an enormous amount of rules, regulations, agreements and theories about how to treat each other, to make sure that all goes according to the 'socialist vision' - which is obviously also just a tight, closed system that in itself doesn't give a shit about 'life' as the beings being directed within and by this system).

I have always seen a big distinction between 'the system' that is apparently 'dead' as all the formalities, codes, rules and regulations that are required of me in social interaction in this world wherein laws determine everything and wherein each one is really just fending for themselves, and 'who I am' as apparently 'life' wherein I felt like I was only able to 'be myself' in relationships with certain beings that I called my 'friends' and 'family'.

I placed much value in creating relationships with people, through all sorts of 'behavior' that would serve as 'glue' that bring us closer together - such as making jokes (=making the other person laugh), being nice and caring, being friendly, smiling, laughing at their jokes, finding points of interest and talking about them, confirming the other person in their beliefs and opinions, always agreeing with the other person, which basically all evolve around trying to make the other person feel good and nice so that I could also feel good about myself --based on the idea that who I am exist in relationships with other human beings and that I can thus only 'be myself' when other people like me and thus create a relationship in their mind with me and regard me as 'valid/valuable'.

And so I felt afraid towards the 'coldness' that I experienced within the rules, laws, regulations, structures and systems within which this world works and functions - thus creating a separation between 'the world out there' as all those laws and infrastructures that function according to rules and codes as the apparent 'system', and 'my world' as what was apparently 'real life' as all my feelings, thoughts and emotions as inner experiences that I experienced within my relationships with the people around me. So every time that I was confronted with 'the system' of this world, that doesn't actually care about me and wherein I cannot participate in feelings and emotions within myself as the system simply doesn't react back to me, wherein thus no relation can exist (as relationships are always built on reactions as feelings and emotions), thus no 'identity' can exist as what I had built up as reactions to my environment - I would experience fear within myself because I did not want to realize that the world doesn't actually care about me as I had created this belief and experience within myself that 'life/God/the world cares about me' because that was what I experienced in all my relationships with my environment -- that they care and that I am thus special and that how I feel inside actually really matters.

Though, even though I had cultivated the belief and feeling within myself, through having created 'relationships' with the beings around me, that people really do care about me, that they understand me, they get me, they are 'good', they see who I am and I can really 'be myself' around them - there were lots of moments wherein it was clear that the people around me did not 'get me', they did not 'understand me' and they clearly did not 'see who I am' - within words that they spoke to me in reaction to something that I said. Though I seemed to have built up some kind of 'self-protection' mechanism of simply 'filtering out' these moments and giving it some kind of spin in my mind, creating a reason for why these beings have said what they said to me so that I could still ignorantly continue believe that the people around me that I have trusted my entire life, really are 'good' and they really do 'care about me', despite of certain evidence of the contrary.

So, what I now realized with regards to this 'fear of formality/laws/rules' is that I have in fact always been hiding from the true nature of reality - into an illusion of relationships as 'inner experiences' wherein I always felt as though I am 'more special than this world of systems', I am in some way 'more than' the system of this world because that is how my relationships with my friends and family made me feel. I did not want to accept the system as myself - I had always been looking for ways to separate myself from 'the system' and be 'unique', I have made it my life's purpose to find ways to 'not be systematic', to act, dress, talk, walk, look different and unique as I was so afraid of facing reality as the system of this world - I wanted to create the illusion that there is more to this world than what I see (which is in fact nothing but a system, as a pre-designed creation of 'Humanity' and all that I can see with my eyes), thus participating in these 'inner experiences' that create 'special connections' with what I see with my eyes, thus making it seem as though there really is something special about me/life. Though in this - I never noticed/realized that I am the system, within myself - as a systematic, pre-designed way of reacting to this world, of seeing and experiencing the world around me.

In fact, the very desire for there to be 'more than' what is here, 'more than' the system of this reality - is systematic as it is not 'real', it does not consider or take into account what is reality in fact as I only separate myself from reality by not wanting to accept certain parts of reality as myself. My entire inner experience, as the personality that i always believed myself to be is in fact nothing but a system of rules, laws and regulations because I have literally separated everything of reality within myself, creating lines and structures wherein I put everything of this world into boxes of judgments and definitions based on 'good' and 'bad' -- never allowing myself to simply express myself here within and as freedom.

The way I interact with myself, with my physical body is even very systematic - as I will for instance have certain habits that I feel I 'must do' to be able to 'be myself', I have tics that sometimes hurt my body but that I feel I 'must do' to be able to 'be myself'.

So, what I see as the consequence/result of my fear of systems and of trying to create a 'personal world' of relationships wherein i can apparently 'experience life', out of the system - was that I basically allowed the system to direct my life and I allowed these systems that exist in this reality, as all the laws, rules, codes and regulations that direct this world, to exist - while I tried to find ways to 'get out of it' and 'not experience it', wherein I never took any responsibility for this reality by not realizing that it is not this world that is the problem, it is not the rules, laws and structures that is the problem -- I am the problem as the self dishonesty within myself. My inner selfishness is the problem - of which all the rules and regulations in this world that serve to direct the selfishness of humanity to ensure that no one abuse another, are but a result. What is the problem is the rules that I have created within myself as the separation between 'myself' and 'the rest of the world' that I have allowed to exist within myself - which is like a vicious circle wherein the 'inner rules/laws/separation' is being cultivated and supported by the rules/laws/separation in and of this world and vice versa.

Though there has to come a point where I stand up and realize that it is the rules that direct this reality that must be changed to 'rules' that are best for all life - 'rules' as structures and principles that direct life in the best way possible that do not promote and support abuse, as what is happening now - but rules that will in any given situation always consider what is best for life - so that no being that is born in this world will ever feel the need to create an 'alternate'/'personal' world within themselves to try to escape the structures in this physical world.

Walking the correction:

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear structures

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the system of the world

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created a personal world within myself as inner experiences to try and escape the system of the world by fearing the system - instead of realizing that the only system that I experience is me myself as the separation that I have allowed to exist within myself

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that relationships are not systematic - and to believe that i can only exist and 'be myself' in relationships with the people around me and to therefore fear systems as rules, codes, laws and regulations because they do not allow me to participate in the ego of the mind as emotional and feeling- reactions wherein i can feel 'special', as though i am 'more' than this world of systems

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsibility for the systems in and of this world - by fearing them and by trying to escape the systems of this world by creating an inner experience/reality of thoughts feelings and emotions

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the system of this world as laws, rules and structures by fearing it and by having allowed myself to create an ego as a 'personal inner experience' as inner reactions to the world as 'my environment' wherein i created the idea that I am special - instead of standing one and equal with and as reality as the realization that the system is what directs and determines my life here on earth, the system is everything as it determines life, thus to truly 'be myself' is to direct the systems into becoming one and equal with myself as life

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within relationships, instead of realizing that all my inner experiences within, of and as relationships are in fact my attempts to escape reality and to create an alternate reality within myself as an illusion because I reacted with fear to the systems of this world - instead of standing up within and as the systems of this world within and as the realization that what is here is me as life, as reality, and thus it is my responsibility to direct what is here within what is best for all life as me

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the system unto this world and reacting to in with fear - instead of realizing that the system is what i have allowed to exist within myself as separation

i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that to not accept the system as me is to not be life, and to be the system - as i am unwilling to accept all that exist as me, thus stating that I am not existence thus that I am not life

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the desire to feel special as an attempt to escape the system - instead of realizing that the desire to feel special is the system of the inner pre-programmed reactions wherein I am a slave and only systematically react to reality, instead of standing as the living application and statement of who i am as life

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the security, stead-fast-ness, stability, consistency, trustworthiness that I see in the system of this world by judging the system as 'bad' and by fearing 'the system' - instead of accepting and realizing myself as one and equal with the system as security, stability, assertiveness and trustwortiness as the living application of myself as life

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that life is relationships

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i need relationships to 'be myself'

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that relationships is in fact the system as it is a whole of predetermined, predictable 'codes' and ways of behaving myself that follow 'rules' that evolve around 'creating a positive experience within myself/others' wherein i feel like i 'have to be/behave a certain way' to in fact create the 'relationship' and thus apparently 'be myself'

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire for other people to care about me, to understand me, to get me and to see me and accept me for who i am - instead of caring about myself, seeing and accepting myself within the realization that when i expect another to care about me, I will always be a slave to them and will always have to manipulate myself and the other to in fact get them to care about me

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in relationships

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trust in relationships as 'good' feelings that make me feel 'connected' to other people - instead of realizing that relationships as 'good feelings' are actually based on the subconscious fear that i experience within myself towards this world, wherein i have allowed myself to participate in a polarity system of negative vs positive energy that balance each other out

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to attempt to hide in the positive feelings of relationships as the belief that other people care about me, love me and accept me - instead of facing the fear within myself, standing one and equal with it and thus caring about, loving and accepting myself within being honest with myself about who I am and not allow myself to be directed by fear through creating a lie as belief systems about the world around me being apparently 'good' so that i could hide the fear within myself behind a positive feeling

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to stand one and equal with my environment by using them within my desire to feel good and positive within myself by creating 'relationships' within playing into the feeling-reactions within others through manipulating my behavior, to hide the fear that i experience towards the world

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight the system by trying to make it seem as thought i am the opposite, by making it seem, through my behavior, that i am a 'free being' - instead of being self honest and realizing that 'the system' is me limiting myself by separating reality from myself through fear

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the system exist outside of myself in laws, rules, codes and regulations of this world - and to believe that who i am inside is not a system, is apparently 'free' and 'unbound' as 'energy' that makes me apparently 'special' and 'important' and 'more than' this world - instead of realizing that i never experienced true freedom as the energy that i experienced within myself was in fact always only in relation to people in this world wherein i was bound, constricted and enslaved to the separation that i experienced between myself and 'the world'

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that energy is freedom - instead of realizing that energy is not even real because within energy, i am always enslaved to that which i need to generate the energy as energy is the result of a friction that always require a 'source' to be able to exist

i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize that true freedom is to direct myself unconditionally in each moment and not allow myself to be influenced
or directed by fear or any other internal reaction of energy within myself that is the result of fear towards reality

i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to copy the belief of my parents that i am not responsible for 'the system' and that i should just live out my life here on earth in separation as self-interest, ignorantly pursuing positive feelings to hide the fear and inferiority that i actually experience towards my environment - instead of realizing that i am not this system of inferiority and blind ignorance, because I exist here one and equal with all that exist here - therefore all that is here is my responsibility







I realize that the only 'system' that exist is what I allow to exist within myself - therefore I stand up within and as who i am as life, and I direct myself as the system of what is best for all life - within and as the realization that what is best for all requires systematization, as consistency and stability as what can be trusted. I realize that I am not real, I am not life if I do not stand as the systematic, consistent and stable application of myself as oneness and equality as what is best for all in each and every moment

when and as i see myself fearing the system of this world or going into emotional reactions within myself towards the system of this world - i stop and breathe and stand up within and as the realization that I am responsible for 'the world' as who i am here - and that I am thus responsible for the kind of system that exist here. Thus I stand up as the directive principle of life as the system that supports all life equally instead of one that abuses. I do not allow abuse as separation as selfishness to exist within myself - I take full responsibility for creation as me and I delete all systems as separation within myself

2012 I Fear being a bad mother

"bad mother" is obviously a judgment that only exist 'in the eyes of others', that is built upon comparison with specific stories that we've read in the news papers or heard somewhere about apparently 'bad mothers' that apparently 'don't raise their child in the right way' - according to all sorts of theories and books that apparently 'have the answer to good motherhood' to which we all simply adapt in our combined fear of being judged by each other as a 'bad mother'.

The fear of being a bad mother actually has got nothing to do with the baby/child - in experiencing this fear, we don't actually consider the baby/child at all, as we are only thinking about our ego within thoughts such as 'what will the other mothers think of me', 'I don't want to be rejected', 'I want them to respect and accept me', 'what if they think I am a bad mother and talk badly about me in the news papers like they do about all the other 'bad mothers' ', 'I don't want to lose face - I want them to like me and support me in my idea that I am a good mother', etc.

So this fear symbolizes the fear of 'going to hell' through being judged. And the fact that this fear of being judged as 'bad' and then going to hell, wherein I will for ever exist in guilt and shame, exist within myself implies that I actually already judge myself as 'bad' because otherwise I would simply trust myself and not even fear going to hell (=feeling guilty and ashamed), as I would realize that there is no reason why I should have to go to hell, because I am 'OK' as who I naturally am.

So, there exist the idea within myself that I am not OK as who I 'naturally am', that I am 'inherently bad/evil' and thus I must 'stick to the rules' within for instance taking care of a baby, and copy other people to make sure that I will always 'do the right thing' in the eyes of others.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being a bad mother

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the judgment 'bad mother'

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the words 'bad mother' with fear and thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot trust myself when taking care of a baby by believing that i am 'inherently bad' and that I thus have to 'follow the rules' and 'copy other people' to make sure that i am 'good', in the eyes of other people

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel terrified and petrified of being judged as 'bad' by other people

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect petrification to the word 'bad' and thus i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear petrification

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the emotional experience of petrification by fearing it

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear judgments

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in judgments by judging other people as being for instance a 'bad mother' by copying the opinions and judgments of what I read in the news papers and hear from other people as they tell stories about apparent 'bad mothers' who apparently don't raise their child in the 'right way' - and to therefore also fear being judged as how I judge others within my mind

i forgive myself that i have allowed and accepted myself to participate in judgments and allow judgments to exist within myself - instead of realizing that all judgments that exist within myself is what i had heard from my environment at one point or another, and that i simply copied from other people, tacitly accepting these judgments about reality as 'other people' as 'the truth', never investigating reality for myself and literally 'never looking further than my nose is long' and realizing that life as who i am as oneness and equality is neither good nor bad, it is no judgment, it is life and me as life am always what is best for life because I am life - to judge myself or to believe that i am judgments is to already state that i separate myself from life, no matter if i judge myself as 'good' or 'bad'


i realize that i am not judgments - and i realize that the judgment of 'bad mother' is in fact a 'scare tactics' as a 'fear label' that the system of humanity uses to keep every human being enslaved to and within judgments as separation, continuously overlooking reality as what is truly best for all - as we get lost within our desire to 'do good' in the eyes of 'God', wherein we don't ever take responsibility for our actions and consequently create a fuck up.

when and as I see judgments such as 'bad mother' coming up within myself when I am with a baby - i stop within myself and i breathe and i stand and remain constant and stable within myself within and as the realization that who i am as the natural, simplistic expression of myself here, is life itself as oneness and equality - I am one and equal with this child as me and I stand within myself within and as the realization that i do not need rules, regulations or judgments to get me to 'do the right thing' as i realize that within what is best for all, there is no 'right or wrong', there is only 'best for all as me' within and as oneness and equality which is who i naturally am here. Thus, i do not allow myself to go into fear of 'not doing it right' or fear of 'being wrong' - as i realize that that is a selfish fear wherein i don't consider the child that is here with me or any other being besides myself and my personal desires of feeling accepted and noticed by other people as the desire to feel good about myself.

thus i breathe through this fear of being judged as 'bad' - within and as the realization that this fear is not really me as i am not a judgment - I am life as the living expression of myself and i do not allow myself to be any less than who i really am as life. I do not allow myself to be scared into diminishing myself through fear of judgments.