2008 desires about my body

ok i define myself very much on how i look. i want to look sexy and attractive, so that, when a man looks at me, he will feel aroused and be interested in me and having sex with me.
i want to look cute and lovely and beautiful and perfectly gentle and soft and warm and everything a man would like in a woman and everything a man would fall 'in love ' with. so that i can get attention. i define myself according to the curves of my body: my breasts, my belly, my butt, my arms, my shoulders, my thighs, my upper legs and butt cheeks, my lower legs, my knees, my feet. i want every angle of my body to look sexy and soft and cute. i compare my body to the body of females that i see in magazines on tv, or to the body of friends of mine that seem to get a lot of attention from boys. i especially try to portray myself as a gentle, weak, nice, lovely, cute girl. one that men would want to protect, one that men would feel admiration for.
i want to be admired by men, i want them to feel overpowered by the feeling of love, the feeling of exitement and awe and arousal for me. i dont really want them to touch me, but i want them to long and lust for me.
i like to feel like a girl that just walks around and being loved by everyone, being protected by everyone. i want men to feel like they want to be nice and protective of me. i have a friend that kind of gets that effect on men, at least that s how i see her: cute, lovely, nice , sweet etc
someone you'd want to protect, someone who walks around being all pretty and sweet and cute and you just feel like preserving that beauty. like it s almost a sin to touch it.
so i separate my pureness and sweetness and love and beauty and perfectness from myself by projecting it onto her and then thinking i need to be like her to also get that kind of attention from men (that actually i give to her, by thinking that men see her in that way)

i always was under the impression that i was beautiful and pure and cute and i wanted people to see me as a pure childlike expression that they just want to protect and preserve: i wanted people to care for me and make sure i m ok, because they see me as perfectness that needs to be preserved and shunn off from the nasty and cruel and mean outside world.
so i was more than happy to give my directness and power and strength away to men and expecting them to feel like they have to take care of me.
i did that with my mother aswel: i expected her to take care of me because appearantly i wasnt strong enough to do that myself.

i often started crying when i felt like my mother disapproved of something i did, because i kinda knew that i did a stupid thing. so in stead of taking self responsability and realising i was being self dishonest, i started crying to get my mom to take pity on me so i could feel like what i did wasnt really that stupid, or it wasnt my fault. so i would be safe under her again, under her protection. so i could feel like i m just a cute little kid who is pure and perfect and needs to be protected from the world, who needs to be cared for.

i always expect my world outside of me, to notice me, to notice my 'special beingness', my purety etc., so they will want to take care of me. i always expected other humans to make things happen for me so i dont have to do anything, so i can just stay blissfully in lala land
just like i expect the universe to notice my 'good intentions', to notice that 'i am in the process of self realisation', and take care of stuff for me, make things happen for me: kinda like the 'secret', the law of attraction.
so i m separation myself from all of the 'bad stuff' that could happen to me by wanting to avoid it by expecting me to always be protected from it by others

i fear doing everything for me by me thru me because i fear making a 'wrong decision'
the reason why i fear making a wrong decision in the first place is because i expect certain things from my world as myself, i expect everything going perfectly.
perfectly means that i wont have to 'put myself out there', i wont have to expose myself, i wont have to talk to people. so i fear talking to people -->because i expect from them to take care of me, so mostly in talking to people all i do is try to keep them happy about me so they will keep taking care of me. and obviously from that starting point i fear saying something 'wrong' that will cause them not liking me anymore and rejecting me, so i ll be on my own without the support of my world outside of me.
so apparantly i seem to be under the belief that i need others to survive, that i cant do things on my own: due to lack of knowledge and strength, due to lack of directive abilities

and the reason why i seem to be under the belief that i lack strength , knowledge and directive abilities, is because i use future projections to create an outcome to everything i do, truly everything i do. and then fear that i wont be able to get to that outcome , fear 'failing', so fearing that i wont have 'what it takes' to get to 'where i wanna be'.
so i ll have an idea, right, a simple idea. or no, just an intention of doing something, or a project, something simple. then i ll project myself into an outcome of this thing that i m about to do, into some image of how it will and must be when i ve 'finished' what i ve done.
i create an image of how it must appear. how i must 'feel' when i ve done it.
and i always want things to 'work', i fear 'failing'. kinda difficult explaining this.
i fear 'waisting my time' on something. i fear doing something that wont 'get me somewhere'. so i always want to get somewhere. i always want something i do to direct my world in such a way that i can, within doing it, make a lot of money, or create a safe net for me to live in. so everything i do i do for a certain goal, i expect it to, in the end, be very helpful for me, something i can use for specific purposes. and again i ve made an image of these specific purposes aswell.
so i design my world in my mind according to fear of losing my security, fear of losing 'control' of my world, fear of losing my pre ordained and habitual 'habitat', which is based on having defined myself according to sertain behaviour (towards the humans in my world, towards my world) so i may keep what i know, what i ve always known, for exsample the mother i have and have always known and the house i live in with her and have always known, the job i have (the fact that i have a job), the town i live in. it s all intitutions that i project my security and safety onto and then i try to hold onto them by always behaving towards them in the same manner, so they will also see me as a point of stability within their world as i see them within my world: points of stability. so i keep to 'rules of behaviour', like the social rules, for exsample smiling when someone looks at me, saying hello and goodbye and goodmorning and goodnight, always looking at someone when i pass them by, waving at someone that knows me and that recognises me, doing smalltalk like asking 'how are you doing?' or 'everything alright?'. and then always saying: 'yes, i m good' and when someone says 'yes, i m good', saying 'oh that s good'. everything must always seem good.

friendly
nice
almost obedient
placing myself under the 'institutions' by thinking i need them to survive so then responding to institutions with institutions (as socially accepted behaviour).

all based on fear of change.
which only exists because i make future projections, based on the past, based on trying to hold on to the past as what i ve always known. keeping the ferris wheel of consciousness system sustained.
i feel like often there s something in my mind, i am in my mind i mean, sometimes, but i dont know why, i only realise i am not here.
and usually it has to do with fear of the future, but soo subtle, like it s almost normal, like it s always there, a perpetual lingering fear of the future, fear of in the future possibly something changing, in the future possibly someone becoming angry with me, in the future possibly experiencing fear. so fearing fear itself, as loss. so i am in this moment, when experiencing this subtle fear of the future, defining myself according to something, otherwise i wouldnt be so afraid of in the future possibly losing it...


i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to see desteni as a classroom, and the forummembers as fellow students, bernard as the teacher and the process as a test that we have to take
i forgi ve myself for allowingmyself to want to be the fastest, the best at taking and doing the test
i forgive myself for alloiwngmyself to see us all as 'striving for the attention of the teacher aka bernard'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to see everything i do as behaviour that needs to be approved of by the teacher
i forgive myself for allowing myself to place expectancies over myself, like having to be very insightful and being able to show this in my writings and in the things that i do
so that i will be noticed by the teacher as a good student and i will be noticed by fellow students as a better student than them
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to see everything as a test, something i have to prove my worth in
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to compare myself with everyone else to calculate my worth
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to think i have to do certain things, like going to sa or make videos or make blogs or read and write on desteni to let everyone know i m a part of the class, to let the teacher see that i m doing well
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to separate myself from bernard by expecting of him to approve the things that i do
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from everyone on desteni site by comparing what i do and say to what they do and say and think that i need to do the same to keep up with the class
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear being behind on everyone in the 'class'
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to separate desteni forum members from the rest of the world to see it as a secluded part, like an actual classroom, by thinking that what we do is more special then what the rest of the world does
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to want to be accepted by the 'classmates' by showing the same kind of behaviour as them
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to fear being absolutely completely myself out of fear that they might not like me and kick me out of the group
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to believe that there are things that i cant do or say because they might not be accepted and i might be kicked out of the group
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear being kicked out of the site or fear not being approved of by people in the group
i forgive myself for accepting andallowingmyself to see myself in relationship to the desteni forum 'group' as having a certain 'place'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to believe that everyone has a certain place
i forgiv e msyelf for allowingmyself to see the people that i see mostly on the site such as ann maite gabriel leila talamon catherine, andrea, alex, darryl, paul as the 'popular ones', the ones that hold the group together
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to think that i dont know the new members of the forum and that i need to ajust to their presence
i forgiv e myself for allowingmsyelf to see new members as intruders into the group
i forgive myself for accepting and allowingmyself to see everything i do as being 'in function of the group'
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to see everything that i do as having a certain place and effect in the group
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to want to belong with 'the ones that are there the longest', thus the ones who are 'more self realised'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to seek for approval of the rest of the forum members with the things that i do like doing a vlog or blog or when i post something like sf list
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to adjust to the 'group dynamics'
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmyself to think i must read up on new posts and old ones to be able to show that i m a full fledged member because i know the groups history, so now i can talk along with everyone
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to think that i belong with the 'old members now' because i m going to sa and i ve been on pf for a while
i forgive myself for not acceptingandallowingmyself to realise that i was once new there too and that i would not have liked being judged as 'new' and 'still very self dishonest'
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to judge everything i do within comparison of how i judge what everyone else on the forum does and ask myself 'what would they do?'
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that i am dependent on how others there 'see' me
i forgive myself for not acceptingandallowingmsyelf to realise that i am the only one 'seeing' me as i 'see' and judge others aswell
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to make pictures and images in my mind of everyone on the forum and judge them accordingly and then think that they have this certain image of me aswell
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that these images in my mind as separated from myself are infact real
i forgiv emyself for not acceptingandallowingmsyelf that those images are but a mere separation of myself , they are a projection of myself as who i ve allowed myself to become, all of them: projections
based on my past as who i ve allowed myself to become : a system
i forgi vemyself for accepting andallowingmyself to think i need something outside of myself to tell me that i m doing allright
if orgive msyelf for acceptingandallwoingmsyelf to really believe that i cant make 'the right decisions' for myself
i forgi ve myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to divert my self responsability towards desteni by trying to figure out what they all do to try to know if i m doing the right thing
i forgi ve myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to separate desteni from myself by thinking that it is something i need approval from
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear maybe doing something that isnt really what i m supposed to do
if orgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that it is possible to do the wrong thing
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that there are humans out there that know what to do better than i do
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to believe that there are humans who know more about life and how to live than i do
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to not realise that i am one and equal to them as to all
i am here
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to trust myself as all as one as equal as here as self movement as who i really am
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that my life has to look like the life of those that are already more out of their system than i am
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that by believing that, i am placing my trust in what life appears to be, on the surface, which is separation which is system as who ive allowed myself to become
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that who i am manifests within my world as one and equal to who i am as my world within myself
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyslf to realise that i cannot possibly find myself within another as who they appear to be as a description as a picture as what i think feel or emote, because i am not a picture and neither are others
all is here as me within me as who i am as life within myself
i realise that noone can be better than me at life because i am life as all as one as equal
within equality better or less does not exist
i realise that i cannot find myself in the world around me that i see , because the way i ve always seen and interpreted the world never actually existed
i can only be in breath as breath as who i am
i can only trust breath because i realise that everything else is illusion
i am breath i am here
i am self trust as life within myself
there is nothing or no one outside of myself
there is no one better than me or less than me
because there is only me
here as breath
this is me
all one



i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to fear being myself because i might do something to upset others, i might come across as mean
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to judge others as mean when they say something direct
i forgivemyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to think that i am not mean
i forgive myeslf foraccpetingandallowingmsyelf to believe that i am a nice person
i forgive myself for acceptingand allwoingmsyelf to believe that it is wrong to come across as mean
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that it is wrong to be direct
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to think that it is normal to not want to hurt peoples feelings
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to want others to see who i am in my writings, to see how self realised i am
i forgive myself for not acceptingand allowingmsyelf to realise that someone only sees themselves in everything, just as i only see myself in others writings
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that it is possible for anyone to see me as who i am
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that i am how others perceive me
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowing myself to believe that others are how i perceive them
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that it is possible for others to approve of my writings or of what i do for they do not see me as who i really am, they only see themselves
i forgive myself for not realising how absurd it is to fear what others might think of me within the realisation that i am truly one and equal to them, so i am truly only fearing myself as how i haven t yet realised myself
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself to believe that there are humans in this process with me
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to fear being disapproved of others who are also in this process
i forgive myself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that others can know better
i forgiv e myself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to separate myself from all of the forum members by not realising that what they say to me, i say to me, all is assistance from me for me by me
i forgive myself fo racceptingandallowingmsyelf to react to what other humans say to me thereby separating me from them thereby denying a part of myself by projecting it onto them and thinking that that is not me but them
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that if i would truly know a persons motives and a persons inner workings i would not react because i would see that nothing in this world has ever been direct, all has been but a reaction compounding
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to believe that the reactions are truly who i am
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to see beyond to surface
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that people are but surfaces
everyone but me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not realise how absurd it is to want to be the best because we are all the same in having allowed ourselves to become compounded reactions
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that friendlyness exists
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to try to come across as friendly because i think that people like that and then they will like me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to like people better than others if they are friendly and make jokes etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that there are certain rules that i have to hold to
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to hold myself back from doing something because i think that others might find it stupid or weird or not acceptable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being found weird or deviant or unacceptable or abnormal
i forgi ve myself for allowingmyself to think that people who are judged as abnormal and weird are rejected and end up alone
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear ending up alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to place all my self acceptance in a group of humans apparantly outside of myself
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to believe that i would be miserable if i wouldnt have other humans to like me and accept me and take me into their mids
i forgive myself for allowign myself to want to associat me with a group of people to hold my ego together, because they are humans that support and approve and understand what i do
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to see this group as something that keeps me protected that keeps my ego protected
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if i am just myself, i will be unprotected and vulnerable
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that i can be protected by an ego
i forgive myself fora llowingsyelf to believe that i need protection as i am one and equal to all so there is no danger because i realise that i would only be fearing myself as judgements that i ve placed over others as me
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to fear doing completely everything completely out of self movement because i would not have other humans 'like myself' to fall back on
i forgive myself forallowingmsyelf to want others to fall back on
i forgiv emyself for not allowingmyself to realise that who i am as all as one as equal require nothing to keep me standing or to fall back on because i am infinitely stable as me here as who i am as stability as life within myself
i forgiv emyself for allowingmsyelf to contemplate and think about what i m gonna do because of fear that the other people who will see what i do will not agree or approve
i forgive myself for allowignmsyelf to believe i m doing things for others approval
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i m doing everything for me by me as me
i forgive myself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that the only reason why i fear disapproval from others is because i seek approval from them as separate from myself as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgive myself forallowigmsyelf to believe that what others might think of me has any effect on me what so ever
i forgive yself for not allowingmsyelf to realise that i only allow things to effect me by projecting myself outside of myself and being dependant on others to tell me who i am
i for give myself forallowingmsyelf to project myself outside myself and thereby being dependant on others to tell me who i am

till here and no further:
i do not belong to a group
a group doesnt exist
i realise that a group is only a separation tool from the system that the system uses to , via relationships, keep the whole separation going
i realise that i am the only one creating groups of people within my mind as who i ve allowed myself to become, by separating myself from all those humans and therefore thinking i need them to be me and to survive
i am not an ego that needs others to be confirmed and affirmed in its existence
i dont need confirmation or affirmation or approval
i am
i realise that as long as i think i need others i do not know others because i do not yet know myself because i am all as one as equal so by knowing myself i see i am others as life within myself here and i do not need anyone else but me here
i realise that all humans around me as how i think i know them or how i have known them actually dont exist
they were separated parts of me that i hadnt accepted and realised within myself
i am here as all as one as life
i am self acceptance
i am vulnerable
yet infinitely stable and not influencable
i am breath



i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear certain reactions from others such as anger frustration
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not realise that that reaction of fear to reactions of anger is a suppression of the anger within myself by believing that the anger has nothing to do with me or by believing that it is not me that is angry
i forgiv emyself for having accepted andallowed myself to fear anger and frustration from others by believing that it can influence and affect me
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowing myself to not realise that i can only be influenced by what i myself allow within myself and i am allowing myself to be influeced by it by denying that i ve allowed it to exist within myself
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowing myself to judge people that get angry and frustrated as mean and fearsome
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i will not be able to stand as me when in the face of anger directed towards me
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that the emotion of anger is bigger than me
i forgiv myself for accepting and allowingmsyelf to believe that anger means that i will lose something, especially when the anger comes froma person that i depend on like my mother or the people i work for
i forgiv emyself foracceptingandallowingmyself to modify my behaviour and the things i say to something that i think will be accepted by those people that i depend on
i forgiv emyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to live in a perpetual fear of making my mother or the people i work for angry with me by me not answering to their expectancies of me
i forgive myself for acceptingandallowingmyself for having accepted andallowed myself to believe that i will lose people or things when they get angry 'at me'
i forgivemyself for acceptinganda llowingmyself to actually believe that the anger and the fear are real
and that i will fall when faced with them
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowingmsyelf to believe that i will fall when faced with anger and fear
i forgiv emyself for acceptinganda llowingmyself to believe that a person has a right to be angry with or at me and that i should feel guilty about what i did or said and should feel fear
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowingmsyelf to believe that a person who gets angry is bigger and better and stronger than me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents were right when they became angry at me
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to believe that i am dependent on my parents therefore i should fear upsetting them because i might lose them if i do
i forgi vemyself for acceptingandallowingmyself to speak me infront of my parents because they might become angry with my words
i forgiv emyself for acceptingand allowin myself to believe that what i truly have to say from me as me is not good enough and therefore i should not voice me
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowing myself to think that if what i say and do doesnt answer to what my parents have tought and told me to behave , it is not ok
i forgive mysel ffor having accepted and allowed myself to believe that the rules of behaviour and the forcing myself into a pattern is better than who i truly am as life within myself as who i am as all as one as equal
i forgive myself for acceptingand allowing myself to not realise that i make and created my own rules of behaviour and patterns by always having believed others and not trusted myself
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to give away my power and self trust to others and therefore always needing someone to approve of me and knowing and telling me what to do and what i should do, always needing a teacher
i forgiv emyself for accepting andallowingmyself to judge myself as a freeloader for living with my mom but not trying to live up to what she expects of me
i forgiv emyself fo raccepting andallowingmsyelf to feel guilty for letting my mother take care of me by paying for the house and food etc
i forgive myself forallowing myself to want to convince my mother that what i do is better than what she does so she will do it as well so i can feel affirmated in what i do
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to want mymother to agree with me so i can feel safe
i forgvei msyelf for allowingmsyelf to feel unsafe because i believe that my mother doesnt like what i do and does not approve of it
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that things would be much easier for me if my mother would support me in what i do an d who i am
i forgiv emyself for allowign msyelf to believe that someone outside of me can offer me support or help with what i do and who i am
i forgiv emyself forallowngmsyelf to believe that if i dont get support or help from my mother, that life will be difficult
i forgive myself for allowingmsyelf to believe that life has anything to do with my mother
i forgiv eyself for allowingsyelf to not realise that life needs no support, it just is as i am life
i forgive myelf for not allowingmsyelf to realise that it is impossible to be supported by another because that is separation and i am as all as one as equal
i am alone
i am self support as life within myself
life is not difficult, only a system can perceive things as difficult
i am ease as life as breath as every moment
i do not fear life
fear is not life
fear is an illusion
i am not an illusion
i am one and equal to my mother
i am not anger
i am not fear
i am not frustration
i do not fear anger
anger cannot influence me
anger does not exist
fear does not exist
frustration does not exist
i exist
i am here