grace gracefulness
self exploration in and as gracefulness
i am self exploration in and as grace and gratefulness
i am grateful for life as me as here i am gratefulness as i breathe in and i am gratefulness as i breathe out
i am grateful for every moment here
i am grateful for myself as creation i live and apply gratefulness within and as each moment of breath within the realisation that i am responsible for this creation as myself
i have for too long been greed and greedy and i have been blind from who i am as gratefulness, i ve been lost in a picture world, an illusion, desires, the mind, the system, that destroys and that is self destructive and that is self innihilating
i stand up as life as grace and gratefulness within the realisation that all is me
all is me and i honour me as all here, within and as each and every breath
i respect me as all of creation within and as breath
breath is who i am, not desires, not reactions, not thoughts, feelings and emotions, but breath, the in breath, and the out breath, the gentle flow of breath in each new moment.
from now until eternety i am grateful for who i am as this breath of life as who i really am, within this breath of life i stand as strenght, i stand as power, i stand as myself, as self support, as self presence, unwavering and stable and constant.
i am strength as gratefulness, i am great as gratefulness, i greet as gratefulness, i am fulfilled as gratefulness, i eat as gratefulness, i type as gratefulness, i breathe as gratefulness, i see as gratefulness, i walk as gratefulness, i stand as gratefulness, i move as gratefulness, i am the very expression of gratefulness, as the gratefulness of life that is here that is within all as me, here, i am the realisation of gratefulness.
i am the realisation that i am not an ingrateful systematic expression that consumes and disregards all life, that plows thru life and existence like a steamroller, like a machine, like industry, like greed, like desire.
within this realisation that i am alone and that i am responsible for all of existence as me i apply gratefulness, within each and every breath.
i am grateful because i am alive, because i live, here
i am grateful because i exist
i am grateful because i have this opportunity here to stand as all as one as equal and to realise myself as who i truly am as life
i am grateful because i realise myself as all as one as equals
GRATEFUL GRATEFULNESS
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to take the moment here for granted
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not notice the little things within and as the moment
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be so caught up within my own desires that i could not see what is right in front of me: life itself!
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only care about the picture, about how i look, instead of who i am as the little things
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be great, to want my expression to be great
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire attention from others for my expression and within that limiting myself to only what i think would receive positive attention, thus keeping me blind to the true expression that is HERE , to my true potential, within and as gratefulness as what is here
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to experience gratefulness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only experience greed, and to, within that, consume all that exist because of my greed, because of my desires
i forgive myself for having accepted andallowed myself to feel a constant feeling of being unsatisfied, unfulfilled, uncomplete, because i keep looking for something great and because i dont see the greatness of me within gratefulness of here
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to remain stuck within constructs and limited ego system expression when i could be so cool in expressing myself here unconditionally,
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to thought, as the onedimensional and limited expression of the mind, which is the desire to be great but within that it is really insignificant, non existent even
forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire, then, as that thought, to receive recognition, so i can at least feel great, and not have to realise my insignificant truth
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see my expression within eternity, within the truth of me which is eternity, instead of trying to reach a short feeling, which i then call expression, or life, but which is actually a pathetic excuse for an expression
woensdag 18 februari 2009
dinsdag 3 februari 2009
donderdag 29 januari 2009
2009 the past
the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain stuck in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about who i have allowed myself to become and things i did towards other people in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to forever more feel guilty about 'stupid' things i did in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep living in guilt about things i did towards others in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself by remembering the past to keep showing myself what a stupid and worthless being i am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep bringing past memories back to the present moment, some that make me feel ashamed and others that make me feel good about myself, and stay then in this constant cycle of the past, constantly litterally reliving the past as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i dont deserve to be absolutely HERE, as the birth of life within and as each moment HERE, but that i have to keep feeling guilty about the past, that i have to keep on remembering what an awfull being i have been
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that other people expect me to feel guilty
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my experiences in my life on others and therefore expect them to blame me also
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to feel bad about what they supposedly did to me, and therefore believe that i also have to feel bad about what i supposedly did to others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret about the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsability for the past by judging it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to judge my expressions in the past and to judge people that i ve met in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about people from the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to see the past as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowng msyelf to see the mind as my safe haven, my safe place
where i shut myself off from all my surroundings by living in my private little world based on past moments that i keep rehashing
i forgive myself for acceptin and allowing myself to define myself according to the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to pay for all the stupidity from my past, by reminding myself of that stupidity as memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others want me to pay that others are judging and condemning me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me and to think that i depend on the approval of others, and that i cant be myself unless others say it is ok, because i feel so guilty about what i had done in the past that i think i cant grant myself to opportunity to be HERE, absolute and free within every new moment of breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i have to be granted freedom, that others have to release me from the prison of the mind by telling me it is ok
ikkeikekek
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to rehash the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to remain stuck in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty about who i have allowed myself to become and things i did towards other people in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to forever more feel guilty about 'stupid' things i did in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep living in guilt about things i did towards others in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to punish myself by remembering the past to keep showing myself what a stupid and worthless being i am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep bringing past memories back to the present moment, some that make me feel ashamed and others that make me feel good about myself, and stay then in this constant cycle of the past, constantly litterally reliving the past as reactions as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i dont deserve to be absolutely HERE, as the birth of life within and as each moment HERE, but that i have to keep feeling guilty about the past, that i have to keep on remembering what an awfull being i have been
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that other people expect me to feel guilty
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my experiences in my life on others and therefore expect them to blame me also
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to feel bad about what they supposedly did to me, and therefore believe that i also have to feel bad about what i supposedly did to others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as regret about the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take responsability for the past by judging it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to judge my expressions in the past and to judge people that i ve met in the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to keep thinking about people from the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear change
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing msyelf to see the past as safety
i forgive myself for accepting and allowng msyelf to see the mind as my safe haven, my safe place
where i shut myself off from all my surroundings by living in my private little world based on past moments that i keep rehashing
i forgive myself for acceptin and allowing myself to define myself according to the past
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to pay for all the stupidity from my past, by reminding myself of that stupidity as memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that others want me to pay that others are judging and condemning me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to like me and to think that i depend on the approval of others, and that i cant be myself unless others say it is ok, because i feel so guilty about what i had done in the past that i think i cant grant myself to opportunity to be HERE, absolute and free within every new moment of breath
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that i have to be granted freedom, that others have to release me from the prison of the mind by telling me it is ok
ikkeikekek
maandag 19 januari 2009
2009 biggest desire
my biggest desire: relationship with a man
it s been consuming me my entire life, completely. when i was around a friend of mine, who i felt attracted to, i would tense up completely and enirely suppress my expression. i would just be this tense stress ball of anxiety and exitement.
it was actually a horrible experience, but at the same time i loved it and i was addicted to it. jeezes, that s love....
so, now, there s this guy who lives across the hall from my studio and now his music is playing and i m feeling tense again, i even feel like going over there and saying to 'shut off the goddamn music' because hearing the music reminds me of 'there is a guy living there', reminds me of that separation i ve allowed within myself.
but ofcourse i would never ever go over there and say something like that because i am so afraid of rejection by men.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as separation between me as defined woman an men as defined men/masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the seeming separation between men and women based on picture presentation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men and to push men away from me because i so desire relationships and that is only possible when there is resistance as separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist masculinity within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist the mind consciousness system within myself as structure as masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define a man s appearance as strength, wise, superior, attractive, handsome
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself entirely based on trying to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression because i used my expression to try to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression because i wanted and desired a man's recognition and attention and so i feared 'failing', i feared being rejected by men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression because i trusted men because i judged them as superior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe a mans expression to be superior to mine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a mans attention because i believed that i can only be worthy of living when a man recognises and notices that i exist
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a man were to reject me, i am not worthy of life and i am a worthless person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a man to support me and direct me and notice me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel completely tense and exited when my eyes spot the picture of a man/youngman in my reality because i desire to be noticed by that man, i desire to be noticed as a 'unique woman'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire sex with the picture presentation of a man/youngman, that resembles my father: slender, muscled body, handsome face
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' 'not pretty enough' for men and then believe myself to be the manifestation of 'not good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb, stupid, inferior, weak
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i have nothing to say of value to a man, that what i have to say is less than what a man says or does
i forgive myselff or having accepted and allowed myself to look up to my dad and believe my expression to be less than his
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to carry on this relationship with all other men in my reality, for ever feeling inferior and less than men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself entirely when there is a man/youngman around, especially when he resembles my father, because i desire to be noticed and recognised by this man/youngman, because i believe that i am only worthy when a man approves of my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define the appearance of a man as superior
than a woman's appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge a vagina as inferior to a penis
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my vagina being penetrated by a penis of a man as i see that as the ultimate recognition that i can get: the apparant amalgamation with masculinity as that which i have suppressed within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in this self defined weakness and desire for relationship with a man as defined strength
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire approval for my expression from men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have a tense expression, and controlled expression that does not flow because i try to 'be good' 'good enough' for men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that i am good enough, as good as men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot stand alone within this reality, that i require a man to support me
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as self expression as breath as the moment because i ve allowed myself to believe that men have power over me and that they must approve of my expression for it to be ok and 'good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to supress masculinity within myself and then judge my expression supposedly thru the eyes of men in my reality, when in fact it is me judging myself, thru the eyes of the mind as the masculinity i ve separated from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and weak when i feel and think that i have no man in my world that stands by me, that notices me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live as a word that i defined myself to : weakness, lostness, inferiority, powerless
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project all of my power on the picture presentation of men and then believe that they have power over me just by their presence in my reality and that that is the way it is
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anton by desiring his body, as how i see it with my human physical eyes as apparantly separate from my body
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energetic friction that i experience when i see the apparant separation between a mans and a womans body as picture presentations
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire amalgamating with the picture presentation of a man and not realising that it is impossible, even thru sex, it is impossible
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsability for my reactions when i see a man s picture presentation within the realisation that it is me creating the reactions and the definitions, it is me creating the experience of myself within my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect a man to support and notice me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just accept a man as who he is as an expression of life as one and equal with me here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being adored by a man
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior because i define the feminine expression as inferior to the masculine expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to push men away and to resist men because i simply do not want to realise that in fact i am one and equal to all picture presentations as what i see with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself ffor having allowed myself to give meaning to the picture presentation of men in my world because i wanted to use it to satisfy my desires, i wanted to use the definitions i myself had created over this picture, so i wanted to use this being to fulfill a role within my self created illusion as the mind so i could exist as a mind consciousness system as desires
within and as separation
till here and no further:
i exist within and as aloneness
i trust myself within and as aloneness
i accept myself within and as aloneness
i stop looking and searching for a partner, for a relationship with a man
i am masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one as life within myself
i am self love
i am self acceptance
i am the moment
i am unconditional self expression
i am unwaveringly stable, i am stability, i am constant as breath
i am not desire
i am not polarity frictions
i am truly stable and constant
within and as every and each moment of breath
i am HERE
i am self direction within the absolute constantness of HERE of breath
i am assertiveness within and as self movement within and as stability and constantness of breath
i realise that all is me, so i move me HERE and i direct me HERE
i accept myself as the singularity, as the one that is the all as HERE
i respect myself as the one as oneness and equality
i respect my body as myself within and as oneness and equality
i realise that my body is the universe
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always disregard my body, by misusing/abusing it, because i only judged how it looked on the outside, and in doing so, i disregarde life as who i am, as my beingness which cannot be seen nor judged
i accept myself as the being that i am, as beingness, not as judgements, not as picture presentation that exist within separation
i do not allow or accept any separation based on judgements within myself anymore
i realise that i am the centre of my world, and i am responsible for the experience of myself within and as my world as i am self responsibility as life
i am not a system that is the manifestation of the giving away of responsability by existing within separation of myself
i am sound, i am whole, i am complete as who i am HERE, i am absolute
and i move myself within the absoluteness and directness and assertiveness and specificity of life as life within myself
i do not allow myself to doubt myself
i do not allow myself to doubt oneness and equality
i accept myself as oneness and equality as life as breath as simplicity
i realise that the system does not exist, rules and fear and future does not exist
i exist and i am HERE in and as the moment as self honesty as who i really am as all as one as equal HERE and i direct myself HERE within and as the specificity of life as the life within myself
i am specificity, as the specific nature of self movement, i move myself to do what is best for all as one as equal, to do what is necessairy to be done to practically stand within and as this world as all as one as equal from here unto infinity
i am infinity within and as each breath
it s been consuming me my entire life, completely. when i was around a friend of mine, who i felt attracted to, i would tense up completely and enirely suppress my expression. i would just be this tense stress ball of anxiety and exitement.
it was actually a horrible experience, but at the same time i loved it and i was addicted to it. jeezes, that s love....
so, now, there s this guy who lives across the hall from my studio and now his music is playing and i m feeling tense again, i even feel like going over there and saying to 'shut off the goddamn music' because hearing the music reminds me of 'there is a guy living there', reminds me of that separation i ve allowed within myself.
but ofcourse i would never ever go over there and say something like that because i am so afraid of rejection by men.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist within and as separation between me as defined woman an men as defined men/masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be addicted to the seeming separation between men and women based on picture presentation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men and to push men away from me because i so desire relationships and that is only possible when there is resistance as separation
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist masculinity within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to resist the mind consciousness system within myself as structure as masculine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define a man s appearance as strength, wise, superior, attractive, handsome
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to express myself entirely based on trying to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression because i used my expression to try to attract men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear my own expression because i wanted and desired a man's recognition and attention and so i feared 'failing', i feared being rejected by men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to doubt my expression because i trusted men because i judged them as superior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe a mans expression to be superior to mine
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a mans attention because i believed that i can only be worthy of living when a man recognises and notices that i exist
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that if a man were to reject me, i am not worthy of life and i am a worthless person
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a man to support me and direct me and notice me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel completely tense and exited when my eyes spot the picture of a man/youngman in my reality because i desire to be noticed by that man, i desire to be noticed as a 'unique woman'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire sex with the picture presentation of a man/youngman, that resembles my father: slender, muscled body, handsome face
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' 'not pretty enough' for men and then believe myself to be the manifestation of 'not good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself as dumb, stupid, inferior, weak
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i have nothing to say of value to a man, that what i have to say is less than what a man says or does
i forgive myselff or having accepted and allowed myself to look up to my dad and believe my expression to be less than his
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to carry on this relationship with all other men in my reality, for ever feeling inferior and less than men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself entirely when there is a man/youngman around, especially when he resembles my father, because i desire to be noticed and recognised by this man/youngman, because i believe that i am only worthy when a man approves of my existence
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define the appearance of a man as superior
than a woman's appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge a vagina as inferior to a penis
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire my vagina being penetrated by a penis of a man as i see that as the ultimate recognition that i can get: the apparant amalgamation with masculinity as that which i have suppressed within myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire staying in this self defined weakness and desire for relationship with a man as defined strength
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire approval for my expression from men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have a tense expression, and controlled expression that does not flow because i try to 'be good' 'good enough' for men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that i am good enough, as good as men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot stand alone within this reality, that i require a man to support me
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to trust myself as self expression as breath as the moment because i ve allowed myself to believe that men have power over me and that they must approve of my expression for it to be ok and 'good enough'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to supress masculinity within myself and then judge my expression supposedly thru the eyes of men in my reality, when in fact it is me judging myself, thru the eyes of the mind as the masculinity i ve separated from myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel alone and weak when i feel and think that i have no man in my world that stands by me, that notices me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to live as a word that i defined myself to : weakness, lostness, inferiority, powerless
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to project all of my power on the picture presentation of men and then believe that they have power over me just by their presence in my reality and that that is the way it is
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to fear men
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from anton by desiring his body, as how i see it with my human physical eyes as apparantly separate from my body
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the energetic friction that i experience when i see the apparant separation between a mans and a womans body as picture presentations
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire amalgamating with the picture presentation of a man and not realising that it is impossible, even thru sex, it is impossible
i forgiv emyself for not having accepted and allowed myself to take responsability for my reactions when i see a man s picture presentation within the realisation that it is me creating the reactions and the definitions, it is me creating the experience of myself within my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to expect a man to support and notice me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just accept a man as who he is as an expression of life as one and equal with me here
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being adored by a man
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as inferior because i define the feminine expression as inferior to the masculine expression
i forgive myself for allowing myself to push men away and to resist men because i simply do not want to realise that in fact i am one and equal to all picture presentations as what i see with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself ffor having allowed myself to give meaning to the picture presentation of men in my world because i wanted to use it to satisfy my desires, i wanted to use the definitions i myself had created over this picture, so i wanted to use this being to fulfill a role within my self created illusion as the mind so i could exist as a mind consciousness system as desires
within and as separation
till here and no further:
i exist within and as aloneness
i trust myself within and as aloneness
i accept myself within and as aloneness
i stop looking and searching for a partner, for a relationship with a man
i am masculinity and femininity amalgamated as one as life within myself
i am self love
i am self acceptance
i am the moment
i am unconditional self expression
i am unwaveringly stable, i am stability, i am constant as breath
i am not desire
i am not polarity frictions
i am truly stable and constant
within and as every and each moment of breath
i am HERE
i am self direction within the absolute constantness of HERE of breath
i am assertiveness within and as self movement within and as stability and constantness of breath
i realise that all is me, so i move me HERE and i direct me HERE
i accept myself as the singularity, as the one that is the all as HERE
i respect myself as the one as oneness and equality
i respect my body as myself within and as oneness and equality
i realise that my body is the universe
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to always disregard my body, by misusing/abusing it, because i only judged how it looked on the outside, and in doing so, i disregarde life as who i am, as my beingness which cannot be seen nor judged
i accept myself as the being that i am, as beingness, not as judgements, not as picture presentation that exist within separation
i do not allow or accept any separation based on judgements within myself anymore
i realise that i am the centre of my world, and i am responsible for the experience of myself within and as my world as i am self responsibility as life
i am not a system that is the manifestation of the giving away of responsability by existing within separation of myself
i am sound, i am whole, i am complete as who i am HERE, i am absolute
and i move myself within the absoluteness and directness and assertiveness and specificity of life as life within myself
i do not allow myself to doubt myself
i do not allow myself to doubt oneness and equality
i accept myself as oneness and equality as life as breath as simplicity
i realise that the system does not exist, rules and fear and future does not exist
i exist and i am HERE in and as the moment as self honesty as who i really am as all as one as equal HERE and i direct myself HERE within and as the specificity of life as the life within myself
i am specificity, as the specific nature of self movement, i move myself to do what is best for all as one as equal, to do what is necessairy to be done to practically stand within and as this world as all as one as equal from here unto infinity
i am infinity within and as each breath
zondag 18 januari 2009
2009 fitting in
it is almost unbelievable for me that i dont have to 'fit in' that i dont have to belong to any group, that my expression does not have to look like the expression of others.
i ve for so long, since childhood, desperately been attempting to fit in, to be like the others, i ve felt really alone, left out, i felt like i did not belong, like i was 'wrong'. i really believed that that is the way it is supposed to be, i HAVE to look like others, i HAVE to be like others.i never considered self expression, who i am, my actual beingness. the actuality of being and existing HERE, which is so simply HERE.
it seems deeply ingrained, the feeling of being inferior to others, and having to fit in. i copied that from my father and grandfather, the desire to be normal and have lots of friends and be accepted by others. the beliefsystem of being a system, of being something that HAS to look like other beings, other humans. and the fear of not looking like the rest, the big fear of not expressing myself like the rest.
so, i have always only ever compared myself to others, that s all i ever did, because i so feared being 'abnormal', 'not fitting in'. when i walk thru town, with all the people there, i m constantly trying to see what their opinion of me is, do they find me normal or abnormal. and i have a lot of times felt really alone and rejected and left out because of my own ideas and definitions about myself as supposedly weird and not normal.
which, i suppose, i created, because i wanted to be unique on the other end. yet at the same time i wanted to be the same as every one else. how impossible my existence was.
i really like the smell of my sweaty armpits. i wonder why? or like the sweat between my but cheeks, lol, it s not civilized to speak about this, but it is the truth.
i suppose because it is the actual real nature of sexuality, it is the smell of my desire for relationships. it is the basis of my being, the thing i am obsessed with: sex and relationships. because sex is actually just sweat and organs/limbs brushing against each other. that is what sex really is, all the rest, like desire, and romance and love, that is bullshit, or sex as building up towards something, how absurd.
i thought that this proces was also me building up towards something, but it was the other way around, i just had to drop the shit. i could have done that from the very beginning as it is so easy and simplistic. it is just stopping everything, stopping every feeling of 'i have to' or 'i must', dropping every fear and with that every desire, dropping the entire 'human nature', all of the supposed 'rules'.
i guess that everything in this world has become like sex: the attempt to built 'up' towards something, which is called 'evolution'.the attempt to reach something somewhere in the future, in the nearby or distant future. the search for a feeling, an experience, like an orgasm.
within my expression i always feel like there are things i must do, like 'i have to write this or that', i have to do it this way or that way, i have to eat a cookie now, i have to go to the cinema in two hours with my mother, because it was planned and now i am thinking about it, so it has become a desire, a 'have to'. and not just a self expression, self expression is basically has nothing to do with what i am doing or how it looks or how it could be described, like: 'i am now typing a text on blogger and i am going to publish it, i know others can read it and i am typing about what i experience in my process and maybe others can relate to it'. that is a description of what i am doing and is not real, what is real is me breathing, hitting the keys of the keyboard with my fingers. that is the only thing that is really real, pretty simplistic, yet, but it is so. and that is what self expression is, that is who i am, that is the only thing that is not defineable, that is not opinion-based, that can not be argued with or discussed, because it simply IS.
and from the moment that i try to form an opinion or definition or description of what i just did, of my expression in the previous moment, i am lost again within my desire of trying to create something of myself that is not real, a ghost, an illustion.
so, all i can trust, is my body, my breath, my presence as HERE, that is all. i can try to write this text for others to understand, but that is an idea of mine, i have actually no idea if what i write is understandable at all. i might be blabbering crazy talk, as i am in my mind, i would not be able to actually know if i am sane or insane, i try to compare myself to others in an attempt to determine wether i am sane or insane or normal or abnormal. but, really, the only way of actually knowing for certain that i am not 'insane', that i am not lost in an illusionairy world, is if i am completely HERE, within and as my human physical body, constant, breathing, aware of every moment of breath, aware of the sensations of my body that is me HERE. all the rest, what i am typing, it is not real because i cannot tell for certain that my words are infact 'sane' or 'insane'. so, that does not matter.
so, that is not self expression, the words i write and how they can be read, it is the very act of typing, or the very act of speaking, or the very act of reading, that is self expression.
and in that, no one being can be special, how can you be jealous of a beingness, jealousy is when you only focus on what the result of a beings expression was, as something you can see with your human physical eyes. which is actually your own opinions and judgemenst that you place on this that you see with your own eyes.
yet you dont consider the beingness, and that would imply that you dont consider your own beingness, that your own expression is also only to make other beings jealous, to show off.
that is why animals are so underestimated, because we dont see them building up empires, we dont see them building shit up, like we do, we dont actually see animals do anything at all. so to us, they are like 'dead' inside, because we only focus on the outside. we, humans, have become the 'outside' and disregard what is real, which is the inside, which cannot be seen. a being to us is alive, when we SEE it doing shit. when it produces something. that s why only adults are respected in this world, because they produce, they have become outside presentations, they ve become fully outside. children are still inside, they are no use to the 'outsiders'.
i ve for so long, since childhood, desperately been attempting to fit in, to be like the others, i ve felt really alone, left out, i felt like i did not belong, like i was 'wrong'. i really believed that that is the way it is supposed to be, i HAVE to look like others, i HAVE to be like others.i never considered self expression, who i am, my actual beingness. the actuality of being and existing HERE, which is so simply HERE.
it seems deeply ingrained, the feeling of being inferior to others, and having to fit in. i copied that from my father and grandfather, the desire to be normal and have lots of friends and be accepted by others. the beliefsystem of being a system, of being something that HAS to look like other beings, other humans. and the fear of not looking like the rest, the big fear of not expressing myself like the rest.
so, i have always only ever compared myself to others, that s all i ever did, because i so feared being 'abnormal', 'not fitting in'. when i walk thru town, with all the people there, i m constantly trying to see what their opinion of me is, do they find me normal or abnormal. and i have a lot of times felt really alone and rejected and left out because of my own ideas and definitions about myself as supposedly weird and not normal.
which, i suppose, i created, because i wanted to be unique on the other end. yet at the same time i wanted to be the same as every one else. how impossible my existence was.
i really like the smell of my sweaty armpits. i wonder why? or like the sweat between my but cheeks, lol, it s not civilized to speak about this, but it is the truth.
i suppose because it is the actual real nature of sexuality, it is the smell of my desire for relationships. it is the basis of my being, the thing i am obsessed with: sex and relationships. because sex is actually just sweat and organs/limbs brushing against each other. that is what sex really is, all the rest, like desire, and romance and love, that is bullshit, or sex as building up towards something, how absurd.
i thought that this proces was also me building up towards something, but it was the other way around, i just had to drop the shit. i could have done that from the very beginning as it is so easy and simplistic. it is just stopping everything, stopping every feeling of 'i have to' or 'i must', dropping every fear and with that every desire, dropping the entire 'human nature', all of the supposed 'rules'.
i guess that everything in this world has become like sex: the attempt to built 'up' towards something, which is called 'evolution'.the attempt to reach something somewhere in the future, in the nearby or distant future. the search for a feeling, an experience, like an orgasm.
within my expression i always feel like there are things i must do, like 'i have to write this or that', i have to do it this way or that way, i have to eat a cookie now, i have to go to the cinema in two hours with my mother, because it was planned and now i am thinking about it, so it has become a desire, a 'have to'. and not just a self expression, self expression is basically has nothing to do with what i am doing or how it looks or how it could be described, like: 'i am now typing a text on blogger and i am going to publish it, i know others can read it and i am typing about what i experience in my process and maybe others can relate to it'. that is a description of what i am doing and is not real, what is real is me breathing, hitting the keys of the keyboard with my fingers. that is the only thing that is really real, pretty simplistic, yet, but it is so. and that is what self expression is, that is who i am, that is the only thing that is not defineable, that is not opinion-based, that can not be argued with or discussed, because it simply IS.
and from the moment that i try to form an opinion or definition or description of what i just did, of my expression in the previous moment, i am lost again within my desire of trying to create something of myself that is not real, a ghost, an illustion.
so, all i can trust, is my body, my breath, my presence as HERE, that is all. i can try to write this text for others to understand, but that is an idea of mine, i have actually no idea if what i write is understandable at all. i might be blabbering crazy talk, as i am in my mind, i would not be able to actually know if i am sane or insane, i try to compare myself to others in an attempt to determine wether i am sane or insane or normal or abnormal. but, really, the only way of actually knowing for certain that i am not 'insane', that i am not lost in an illusionairy world, is if i am completely HERE, within and as my human physical body, constant, breathing, aware of every moment of breath, aware of the sensations of my body that is me HERE. all the rest, what i am typing, it is not real because i cannot tell for certain that my words are infact 'sane' or 'insane'. so, that does not matter.
so, that is not self expression, the words i write and how they can be read, it is the very act of typing, or the very act of speaking, or the very act of reading, that is self expression.
and in that, no one being can be special, how can you be jealous of a beingness, jealousy is when you only focus on what the result of a beings expression was, as something you can see with your human physical eyes. which is actually your own opinions and judgemenst that you place on this that you see with your own eyes.
yet you dont consider the beingness, and that would imply that you dont consider your own beingness, that your own expression is also only to make other beings jealous, to show off.
that is why animals are so underestimated, because we dont see them building up empires, we dont see them building shit up, like we do, we dont actually see animals do anything at all. so to us, they are like 'dead' inside, because we only focus on the outside. we, humans, have become the 'outside' and disregard what is real, which is the inside, which cannot be seen. a being to us is alive, when we SEE it doing shit. when it produces something. that s why only adults are respected in this world, because they produce, they have become outside presentations, they ve become fully outside. children are still inside, they are no use to the 'outsiders'.
2009 animals self forgiveness
animals
self forgiveness on animals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see animals as less than me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel superior than animals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse the supposed power i have over animals because i can, because these beings let me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to use and abuse beings that i perceive as weak because i have allowed myself to be abused by others because i have defined myself as weak, so i try to compensate
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate the feeling of powerlessness, of worthlessness, of feeling abused, by desiring to abuse animals, that i have judged as powerless, less, inferior, dumb
i forgive myself for having accepted myself to become the manifestation of self abuse by wanting others to abuse and use me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that beings who do not resemble me, are inferior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have the desire within me to abuse those that i see as inferior so i may feel powerful, because actually i ve given away my power to the mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within the illusion of power, seeing power as having power over another being, as a feeling, instead of realising myself as power as life as who i am HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse animals within sexual fantasies where i play out my desire to be abused and used by other beings due to me abusing myself by giving my power away to the mcs and where i project my feeling and belief of powerlessness onto those animals that i or others within these fantasies then abuse to generate exitement within myself to power and charge the mcs within myself that is based on the polarity of superiority and inferiority and the giving away of my power
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard all that is of life due to me having become 'not life', a system, an illusion, and then go abuse and use life because i actually cannot stand to see vulnerable and innocent expression as what i have abused within myself: the truth of me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my reality within and as inferior-superior polarity as who i have allowed myself to become: feeling inferior towards myself as my reality in separation of my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression, the innocence and vulnerability that is of life that is who i truly am as life within myself and therefore, not recognise it within my reality anymore, as all that has become of me is system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye when i see animals being abused because i have more respect for humans as systems than for animals as life
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse animals when i was a child, to put salt over a naked snail, to burn ants with a magnifying glass, because i thought it was 'cool', because i did not see animals as myself as i had suppressed myself as life due to me having given my power away to the system as thoughts feelings and emotions as ego
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only consider me, i, as thoughts feelings and emotions, to only consider having a good feeling for myself, to feel good about myself and disregard anything or anyone else
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed fear of surviving within myself, as an ego manifestation as self interest
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to actually face and see just to how extent i disregarded myself as life by having allowed myself to become a mind consciousness system
so i try to remain within thoughts feelings and emotions because i am afraid of facing myself, my true nature
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to play god over animals and small children because they will allow it
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and powerless and then want and desire to play god over other beings and desire them to feel inferior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsability, to not take responsability for all as one as equal as myself as life as who i really am, because i want to survive as an ego, as a mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire love and acceptance from an animal
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel 'more connected' with animals than with humans
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hug and cuddle animals from the starting point of desiring love from another being and then use animals for that because they let themselves be treated that way as they are the simple innocent expression of life itself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a 'special bond' with an animal, a 'special friendship' because i am not willing to be unconditionally my friend, to be alone with me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not see all animals as all beings as my equals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to communicate with animals so i could get recognition from humans, as humans as systems have completely separated and alienated themselves from life, seeing this communicating with animals as some kind of marvel when actually it is their simplistic nature that they re not willing to accept
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire animals to listen to me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to have power over animals, to want an animal that listens to my commands
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to boss a being around because i feel bossed around and i feel powerless towards other beings as i ve given away my power
in becoming a mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from animals-'i name all's'-because i ve defined myself as 'human', which is apparently different from a being
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the way i look, which is human, and therefore think that i belong to the human species and am separate from all that does not resemble me in appearance and doings, 'capabilities'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my thoughts as superior to life
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to children
when actually within i know that i am not and that actually i ve degenerated because i allowed myself to become a mere system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become a system that cannot stand on its own and uses and abuses all beings around to survive
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire recognition for my thoughts from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realise that animals are actually far more evolved than i am because they take care of themselves, they are direct, they do not doubt, they are the living expression of only themselves as life within and as each moment
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior towards animals
because i feel so much shame and regret and guilt for the way i treated them
i forgive myself for not just accepting and allowing myself to simply be HERE as one and equal to all beings and forever more stop the continuous cycle of regret, of inferiority vs superiority of system
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to realise that animals are, like me, beings, they are not just pictures, different from my picture as my appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see human beings as 'more alive' than anymals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only see it that way because human beings support me in being a mind consciousness system that i ve allowed myself to become and animals dont, animals dont expect anything of me, they are just themselves, while humans expect things of me, they form opinions of me, they critisize me, which is exactly what i do
i forgive myself forhaving accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that i ve allowed myself to become a mcs by thinking that 'other humans are the same' so apparantly i m not really entirely responsible for myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that other beings expect things of me, when it is me that expect things of them, i expect them to help me and assist me and support me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing msyelf to feel ashamed and disgusted with myself because i desire relationships and i desire to be accepted from even animals and children and because i judge that as pervert and pedophile
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant feeling of inferiority, as if there is something, someone greater than me, because i actually constantly desire recognition so i deliberately place beings above me by giving them the power to either approve or disapprove of me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise and recognise my reality as the only reality that exist
till here and no further:
i am HERE as all as one as equal
i am one and equal to all beings, animals, children, human beings
trees, plants, molecules, etc
i do not allow myself to desire acceptance or love or anything from anyone as all is HERE
i allow myself to be self expression, to express myself within and as innocence and vulnerability as life as who i am HERE
self forgiveness on animals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see animals as less than me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel superior than animals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to abuse the supposed power i have over animals because i can, because these beings let me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to use and abuse beings that i perceive as weak because i have allowed myself to be abused by others because i have defined myself as weak, so i try to compensate
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to compensate the feeling of powerlessness, of worthlessness, of feeling abused, by desiring to abuse animals, that i have judged as powerless, less, inferior, dumb
i forgive myself for having accepted myself to become the manifestation of self abuse by wanting others to abuse and use me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think that beings who do not resemble me, are inferior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to have the desire within me to abuse those that i see as inferior so i may feel powerful, because actually i ve given away my power to the mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to exist within the illusion of power, seeing power as having power over another being, as a feeling, instead of realising myself as power as life as who i am HERE
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse animals within sexual fantasies where i play out my desire to be abused and used by other beings due to me abusing myself by giving my power away to the mcs and where i project my feeling and belief of powerlessness onto those animals that i or others within these fantasies then abuse to generate exitement within myself to power and charge the mcs within myself that is based on the polarity of superiority and inferiority and the giving away of my power
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to completely disregard all that is of life due to me having become 'not life', a system, an illusion, and then go abuse and use life because i actually cannot stand to see vulnerable and innocent expression as what i have abused within myself: the truth of me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my reality within and as inferior-superior polarity as who i have allowed myself to become: feeling inferior towards myself as my reality in separation of my reality
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression, the innocence and vulnerability that is of life that is who i truly am as life within myself and therefore, not recognise it within my reality anymore, as all that has become of me is system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to turn a blind eye when i see animals being abused because i have more respect for humans as systems than for animals as life
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to abuse animals when i was a child, to put salt over a naked snail, to burn ants with a magnifying glass, because i thought it was 'cool', because i did not see animals as myself as i had suppressed myself as life due to me having given my power away to the system as thoughts feelings and emotions as ego
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only consider me, i, as thoughts feelings and emotions, to only consider having a good feeling for myself, to feel good about myself and disregard anything or anyone else
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed fear of surviving within myself, as an ego manifestation as self interest
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to actually face and see just to how extent i disregarded myself as life by having allowed myself to become a mind consciousness system
so i try to remain within thoughts feelings and emotions because i am afraid of facing myself, my true nature
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to play god over animals and small children because they will allow it
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and powerless and then want and desire to play god over other beings and desire them to feel inferior
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not take self responsability, to not take responsability for all as one as equal as myself as life as who i really am, because i want to survive as an ego, as a mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire love and acceptance from an animal
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel 'more connected' with animals than with humans
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to hug and cuddle animals from the starting point of desiring love from another being and then use animals for that because they let themselves be treated that way as they are the simple innocent expression of life itself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire a 'special bond' with an animal, a 'special friendship' because i am not willing to be unconditionally my friend, to be alone with me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not see all animals as all beings as my equals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire being able to communicate with animals so i could get recognition from humans, as humans as systems have completely separated and alienated themselves from life, seeing this communicating with animals as some kind of marvel when actually it is their simplistic nature that they re not willing to accept
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire animals to listen to me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to have power over animals, to want an animal that listens to my commands
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to boss a being around because i feel bossed around and i feel powerless towards other beings as i ve given away my power
in becoming a mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from animals-'i name all's'-because i ve defined myself as 'human', which is apparently different from a being
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the way i look, which is human, and therefore think that i belong to the human species and am separate from all that does not resemble me in appearance and doings, 'capabilities'
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see my thoughts as superior to life
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see myself as superior to children
when actually within i know that i am not and that actually i ve degenerated because i allowed myself to become a mere system
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become a system that cannot stand on its own and uses and abuses all beings around to survive
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire recognition for my thoughts from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not realise that animals are actually far more evolved than i am because they take care of themselves, they are direct, they do not doubt, they are the living expression of only themselves as life within and as each moment
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior towards animals
because i feel so much shame and regret and guilt for the way i treated them
i forgive myself for not just accepting and allowing myself to simply be HERE as one and equal to all beings and forever more stop the continuous cycle of regret, of inferiority vs superiority of system
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to realise that animals are, like me, beings, they are not just pictures, different from my picture as my appearance
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to see human beings as 'more alive' than anymals
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only see it that way because human beings support me in being a mind consciousness system that i ve allowed myself to become and animals dont, animals dont expect anything of me, they are just themselves, while humans expect things of me, they form opinions of me, they critisize me, which is exactly what i do
i forgive myself forhaving accepted and allowed myself to justify the fact that i ve allowed myself to become a mcs by thinking that 'other humans are the same' so apparantly i m not really entirely responsible for myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that other beings expect things of me, when it is me that expect things of them, i expect them to help me and assist me and support me
i forgiv emyself for accepting and allowing msyelf to feel ashamed and disgusted with myself because i desire relationships and i desire to be accepted from even animals and children and because i judge that as pervert and pedophile
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within a constant feeling of inferiority, as if there is something, someone greater than me, because i actually constantly desire recognition so i deliberately place beings above me by giving them the power to either approve or disapprove of me
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise and recognise my reality as the only reality that exist
till here and no further:
i am HERE as all as one as equal
i am one and equal to all beings, animals, children, human beings
trees, plants, molecules, etc
i do not allow myself to desire acceptance or love or anything from anyone as all is HERE
i allow myself to be self expression, to express myself within and as innocence and vulnerability as life as who i am HERE
zaterdag 17 januari 2009
2009 recognition
recognition
it s pretty silly searching for the recognition of other beings. it is believing myself to be weak and inferior and dependent on other people.
i noticed that i feel disgusted with myself for searching for other beings recognition, because what i do is lay myself under them and let them do whatever they please with me, as long as they see me lying there. as long as they notice me and see that i exist. it is my unwillingness to stand as a living statement of who i am as life. like the fear of other people. it s stupid. it is me not willing to just stand as me, just be myself, here.
i realised this and then i watched some television. it was mister and misses smith on the tv. hollywood movie with pretty man and pretty woman. and they play the whole 'i will prove my sexuality' game.
i write because of bernard. what he said and i hesitate a lot, thinking about what to write, because of desire for relationship and recognition. as if i would die for saying something 'stupid', for someone seeing my thoughts , my 'inner workings', someone seeing i m going insane with mind. because i judge that as inferior, because i look down on others. i hope other beings will have trouble with their mind, so i can feel superior, better than them. and then, of course, i would not want them to see that i am having trouble or something. and so, therefore i carefully way out what i will write. but the thing with mind now is, that nothing is certain, no thing is real.
everything is all over the place and all of certainty i have is breath is just me here and that is it. no more recognition and no more relationships. no more 'other people'.
i went to do a little project today. i printed out the text from desteni money that i translated and i hung it up in the library. then i ate pizza at a restaurant and then i went home.
i realised that i do not look at the world thru my own eyes, because i ve always depended on other people, i look at the world thru opinions and knowledge that i ve copied from for example bernard, so i only see what i think i m supposed to see. and i only express out of desire for recognition. it s funny, there s this really big fear, sort of frustration-fear of not wanting people to think that i am dumb, not wanting people to think that i am naieve.
but actually that is what i always think about other people, that they are dumb and naieve and that i am better, that i am smarter and when someone thinks i am not, i will do all it takes to prove them that i am smart. i ll say 'nono you dont understand see blablabla' and i will emphasize what i said once more to make it clear to the being that i do have a deep deep meaning with what i said, that what i said is really profound.
i want to really prove to beings that indeed i am intelligent.
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to support myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself instead of opinions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to prove who i am to other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to believe that i am a 'good' person, so i can believe that about myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to think or believe something about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a living statement of who i am within and as every moment as stability as life itself, like a statue that cannot be moved and cannot be influenced that is infinitely stable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the polarity frictions of desire for recognition and fear of disapproval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want attention from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desperately search for the recognition and approval of other beings
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to approve of myself as simply HERE
I Forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to look at my reality as myself thru the eyes as opinions and judgements of another
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to copy the knowledge and opinions and judgements from other beings and use that to look at my reality so i would not have to look at myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid directly seeing myself by searching for recognition and approval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire someone to notice me and to hear me and see me and form opinions about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deliberately put a blindfold in front of my eyes by creating definitions about myself as my reality within desire for recognition so i would not see who i have allowed myself to become within and as alone ness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about others so i would not have to see myself alone
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sense in me creating my own experience of myself in my world and therefore me being absolutely responsible for all within my reality
and therefore me being one and equal to all within my reality
i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise myself as one and equal with trust, strength, power, recognition, validation, approval, relationships, love, acceptance and respect, by desiring those things from the beings in my reality
i forgive myself for havinga ccepted and allowed myself to desire a man s recognition
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am weak, a weak woman and project all of my strength on a man and then want his approval and attention and validation
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to take responsability for how i see the beings in my reality within realising that it is me who is seeing
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to realise the common sense that everything i see is myself as i am the one seeing my reality, i am the one seeing other beings, i am the one creating opinions etc
i forgive myself for having accepted myself to be deliberately stupid and blind because i did not want to take self responsability
i wanted to feel good and persue my self interested desires
till here and no further
i do not allow any stupidity within myself
i do not allow any self dishonesty within myself
i do not allow the search for recognition within myself because i realise that there is simply no one to recognise me as all is myself
i realise that there exist no such thing as 'other beings' and that it is pure common sense that all is me and there exist only me here
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe this nonsense about 'other people', about fear of other people, about relationships, about me being supposedly different or special or better than supposedly 'someone else'
i see and realise that there cannot possibly exist 'someone else'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be deceived by the pictures that i see with my human physical eyes, and separated those pictures from myself by reacting to it thru participating within the mind consciousness system that is thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become feelings and emotions as the very thing that i used to separate myself from myself, to split myself in thousands of pieces, making myself, as the i of consciousness, as this one picture, insignificant, and constantly searching for meaning and purpose because i feel so alone and lost within my reality that i ve separated from myself in the first place
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to notice myself as i was so lost within the picture world, where i believed all the pictures i see around me, to be separate from myself because i allowed myself to react to them by participating within the mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards myself as 'others' as the pictures i see around me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want and desire my reality that i had separated from myself, to notice me and validate my existence, because i did not see myself in my reality anymore as i had become not even real, i had become non existant
till here and no further
i am HERE
I AM BREATH
i am SELF expression within ONENESS AND EQUALITY as LIFE
i am LIFE itself as natural expression
there is no separation between my expression and the expressions i see with my human physical eyes around me, because all is me, all i see is me
i do not allow myself to react within jealousy or comparison or awe towards the expressions i see in my reality because i realise that all is myself, all expessions are HERE as i am HERE
i do not allow myself to participate within the stupidity of the mind of searching for recognition or love or acceptance or strength or understanding, because i realise that all exist within my reality so it exist within myself as i am HERE within and as my reality as myself as all as one as equal
i realise the absurdity of 'other beings', i realise that there exist no 'other' as in 'separate from myself'
i am one and equal with feelings
i am one and equal with emotions
i am one and equal with thoughts
i am one and equal with what my human physical eyes see
i am one and equal to all knowledge, opinions and judgements that exist within my reality
all exist within the simplicity of breath
it s pretty silly searching for the recognition of other beings. it is believing myself to be weak and inferior and dependent on other people.
i noticed that i feel disgusted with myself for searching for other beings recognition, because what i do is lay myself under them and let them do whatever they please with me, as long as they see me lying there. as long as they notice me and see that i exist. it is my unwillingness to stand as a living statement of who i am as life. like the fear of other people. it s stupid. it is me not willing to just stand as me, just be myself, here.
i realised this and then i watched some television. it was mister and misses smith on the tv. hollywood movie with pretty man and pretty woman. and they play the whole 'i will prove my sexuality' game.
i write because of bernard. what he said and i hesitate a lot, thinking about what to write, because of desire for relationship and recognition. as if i would die for saying something 'stupid', for someone seeing my thoughts , my 'inner workings', someone seeing i m going insane with mind. because i judge that as inferior, because i look down on others. i hope other beings will have trouble with their mind, so i can feel superior, better than them. and then, of course, i would not want them to see that i am having trouble or something. and so, therefore i carefully way out what i will write. but the thing with mind now is, that nothing is certain, no thing is real.
everything is all over the place and all of certainty i have is breath is just me here and that is it. no more recognition and no more relationships. no more 'other people'.
i went to do a little project today. i printed out the text from desteni money that i translated and i hung it up in the library. then i ate pizza at a restaurant and then i went home.
i realised that i do not look at the world thru my own eyes, because i ve always depended on other people, i look at the world thru opinions and knowledge that i ve copied from for example bernard, so i only see what i think i m supposed to see. and i only express out of desire for recognition. it s funny, there s this really big fear, sort of frustration-fear of not wanting people to think that i am dumb, not wanting people to think that i am naieve.
but actually that is what i always think about other people, that they are dumb and naieve and that i am better, that i am smarter and when someone thinks i am not, i will do all it takes to prove them that i am smart. i ll say 'nono you dont understand see blablabla' and i will emphasize what i said once more to make it clear to the being that i do have a deep deep meaning with what i said, that what i said is really profound.
i want to really prove to beings that indeed i am intelligent.
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to recognise myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to support myself
i forgive myself for not having accepted and allowed myself to trust myself instead of opinions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want to prove who i am to other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to believe that i am a 'good' person, so i can believe that about myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want others to think or believe something about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to not stand as a living statement of who i am within and as every moment as stability as life itself, like a statue that cannot be moved and cannot be influenced that is infinitely stable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to participate in the polarity frictions of desire for recognition and fear of disapproval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be dependent on others
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to want attention from other beings
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desperately search for the recognition and approval of other beings
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to approve of myself as simply HERE
I Forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to look at my reality as myself thru the eyes as opinions and judgements of another
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to copy the knowledge and opinions and judgements from other beings and use that to look at my reality so i would not have to look at myself
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to try to avoid directly seeing myself by searching for recognition and approval
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire someone to notice me and to hear me and see me and form opinions about me
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to deliberately put a blindfold in front of my eyes by creating definitions about myself as my reality within desire for recognition so i would not see who i have allowed myself to become within and as alone ness
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to think about others so i would not have to see myself alone
i forgive myself for never having accepted and allowed myself to see and realise the common sense in me creating my own experience of myself in my world and therefore me being absolutely responsible for all within my reality
and therefore me being one and equal to all within my reality
i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise myself as one and equal with trust, strength, power, recognition, validation, approval, relationships, love, acceptance and respect, by desiring those things from the beings in my reality
i forgive myself for havinga ccepted and allowed myself to desire a man s recognition
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am weak, a weak woman and project all of my strength on a man and then want his approval and attention and validation
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to take responsability for how i see the beings in my reality within realising that it is me who is seeing
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to realise the common sense that everything i see is myself as i am the one seeing my reality, i am the one seeing other beings, i am the one creating opinions etc
i forgive myself for having accepted myself to be deliberately stupid and blind because i did not want to take self responsability
i wanted to feel good and persue my self interested desires
till here and no further
i do not allow any stupidity within myself
i do not allow any self dishonesty within myself
i do not allow the search for recognition within myself because i realise that there is simply no one to recognise me as all is myself
i realise that there exist no such thing as 'other beings' and that it is pure common sense that all is me and there exist only me here
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe this nonsense about 'other people', about fear of other people, about relationships, about me being supposedly different or special or better than supposedly 'someone else'
i see and realise that there cannot possibly exist 'someone else'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be deceived by the pictures that i see with my human physical eyes, and separated those pictures from myself by reacting to it thru participating within the mind consciousness system that is thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to become feelings and emotions as the very thing that i used to separate myself from myself, to split myself in thousands of pieces, making myself, as the i of consciousness, as this one picture, insignificant, and constantly searching for meaning and purpose because i feel so alone and lost within my reality that i ve separated from myself in the first place
i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to notice myself as i was so lost within the picture world, where i believed all the pictures i see around me, to be separate from myself because i allowed myself to react to them by participating within the mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior towards myself as 'others' as the pictures i see around me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want and desire my reality that i had separated from myself, to notice me and validate my existence, because i did not see myself in my reality anymore as i had become not even real, i had become non existant
till here and no further
i am HERE
I AM BREATH
i am SELF expression within ONENESS AND EQUALITY as LIFE
i am LIFE itself as natural expression
there is no separation between my expression and the expressions i see with my human physical eyes around me, because all is me, all i see is me
i do not allow myself to react within jealousy or comparison or awe towards the expressions i see in my reality because i realise that all is myself, all expessions are HERE as i am HERE
i do not allow myself to participate within the stupidity of the mind of searching for recognition or love or acceptance or strength or understanding, because i realise that all exist within my reality so it exist within myself as i am HERE within and as my reality as myself as all as one as equal
i realise the absurdity of 'other beings', i realise that there exist no 'other' as in 'separate from myself'
i am one and equal with feelings
i am one and equal with emotions
i am one and equal with thoughts
i am one and equal with what my human physical eyes see
i am one and equal to all knowledge, opinions and judgements that exist within my reality
all exist within the simplicity of breath
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