donderdag 4 september 2014
2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression
How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself
I had this really vivid and intense nightmare last night and when I woke up and spoke to someone about it - within the process of looking at the dream and investigating it from the starting point of what it is that I am, through the dream, showing myself about how I exist within myself and what points I should be looking at within walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I didn't actually really look at the part of the dream that was the most intense and impactful. It was only when this person that I was having a discussion with about the dream pointed it out to me that I started to see and realize that what this part of the dream was showing me and also the fact that it was the most vivid and intense yet at the same time the most overlooked and ignored section of the dream - was showing me that this is a point that exists within myself that I have not been dealing with or facing and have not even been honest with myself about its existence within myself -- the point being Jealousy.
The events in the dream went as follows. I am looking at these two women having a conversation, where the one woman(woman A) is telling the other woman(woman B) how she met someone and she loves him very much and they are planning on moving far away together, upon which woman B becomes so overtaken with jealousy because she is not experiencing that joy, happiness and fulfillment in her life that she is seeing within woman A's expression, that she decides to keep woman A locked up in her house. Years have passed and I see that woman A who was locked up in woman B's house for all those years looks like a skeleton - skin over bones and extremely pale and weak. While I am watching this scene play out and sympathizing with woman A who was locked up, I start screaming for help to the people that I see walking passed the window (in the dream I identify myself with woman A so I am both bystander and observer as well as that woman - so in that moment when I am screaming, it is also her screaming) - then woman B becomes so absolutely enraged and filled with hate, fury and spite, that she digs into the flesh of woman A with her fingernails and rips out her spine. The dream continues for a bit after that but for the purpose of this blog I will be looking at this section specifically - as it reveals very nicely how the mind-construct of jealousy works and what it actually does within myself, or rather what I do to myself when I accept and allow myself to step into this mind-construct.
So, looking at the dream and in being able to understand and see what the dream represents in relation to who I am within and as myself - I 'collapse' the images of the people and I look at the pattern that is playing out as a representation of a pattern that is existent within and as my mind -- wherein I see and realize that each person within the dream is in fact representing a part of myself and the relationships between the people show the relationships that I have created within my mind with those parts of myself. With this specific scene showing me how jealousy works within and as my mind and who I am in my relationship with myself with regards to jealousy.
The two women thus are both me - where woman B is me within and as the experience and mind-construct of jealousy and woman A is me as a being - and looking at the characters that they play in the dream, I can see that there is a polarity-construct going on, as the one woman is experiencing and exerting all this anger, fury, intensity, power, resentment and blind hate and the other one is completely weakened and had the life sucked out of her by this anger, resentment and hate that is being acted out on her by woman B. So, that is essentially what I do to myself when I go into an experience of jealousy, is that with me becoming emotionally enveloped within experiences of hate, anger and resentment and generating a feeling of 'power' within my mind through accessing spiteful backchat and internal conversations directed towards the person that I feel jealous of - I am simultaneously diminishing who I am as a being, to the point that actually I as a being don't really exist within myself anymore because I have channeled all of my existence and beingness into the experience of jealousy within the mind as I am busy focusing my attention on how someone else is living their life.
Also the point of the spine being ripped out from the woman who is representing me as a being - shows that when I go into the mind-construct of jealousy, I become 'spineless' - meaning that within my mind, my backchat and my reactions, there exists no integrity, self-respect, self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance or any regard for life within myself or another at all -- as I accept and allow the jealousy-construct to define me so completely that I lose all awareness of who I actually really am as a being, through accepting and allowing myself to access that specific secretive nature of hate, resentment and spite towards another being within my mind. And if I really have an honest look at who and what I become within that experience of jealousy and at the fact that when that experience comes up in my mind I tend to not even question it and immediately believe that it is 'me', then it becomes clear to me that I have not yet developed a real starting point within myself in relation to knowing who I am as a being - because I would so easily believe that such an essentially 'evil' nature, expression and experience is 'me' -- though I wouldn't consciously admit it to myself that this is in fact what is going on within and as my mind.
Then the point of me screaming to other people for help when witnessing this situation in my dream - implies and reveals to me that I tend to victimize myself in relation to such experiences of for instance jealousy within my mind. Meaning that I don't actually want to take responsibility for the existence of such experiences within myself because I don't want to face that sort of 'evil' within and as myself - I don't want to accept, see or realize that the 'evil' character and persona as depicted by that woman in my dream, is in fact a part of me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself. And so I will want other people to help me whenever I am facing these sorts of 'bad' and 'negative' experiences within myself because I have separated myself from it by having created the idea and belief that somehow it is 'not me' - that I am a victim of these experiences. Which is obviously ludicrous because I mean it does in fact exist within me, so it cannot be anything else but me.
Below I am sharing the self-forgiveness process that I have walked within opening this point up, releasing it and correcting it within myself. However I will still have to walk a practical real-time process of proving to myself that my process of release and correction and self-change has in fact been effective -- which means that if I see and find that when the experience of jealousy comes up within myself and I am still accepting and allowing myself to get lost within it, that I will have to re-investigate and find the point in relation to the experience where I am giving away my self-responsibility and allowing this mind-construct to have power over me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind-construct of jealousy to exist within myself in separation of myself - where in some moments, when seeing other people have things that I desire, I feel myself becoming overtaken with an experience of jealousy that comes up within myself to the extent that I lose all track of myself as my integrity and dignity, self-respect and self-worth as I become so enveloped within and as that onedimensional experience of spitefulness, resentment and hate in relation to seeing this other individual have and experience what I want and desire as something that i haven't actually given to myself
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the experience of jealousy to and towards something that I see within another woman - will specifically be in relation to a specific expression that I see within her that I haven't given to myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and suppress my expression
And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go into that experience of jealousy, connected with hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat towards another being wherein I would for instance wish that they would in some way get hurt or that something goes wrong in their life so that they will feel afraid and inferior like I feel afraid and inferior within myself or where I would want to deliberately not offer them assistance and support when I see that they need it, just so that I could feel a bit better about myself -- instead of taking responsibility for the reason and starting point of why it is that I experience jealousy towards this being in the first place - which is because they represent specific expressions in my world and reality of which I know deep down within myself that I have not given those expressions to myself -- and so actually walk a process of developing and exploring those expressions within and as myself and within that correcting my relationship with myself as well as other people and ensure that I will not direct any emotional experiences or energetic reactions within myself towards other beings that are in fact reactions to my own relationship that I have created with myself within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spineless within and as the experience of jealousy, by, when stepping into the experience of jealousy within myself, losing all integrity, self-respect, self-value and dignity within and as myself by experiencing and defining myself within and as an experience of blind hate, resentment, anger and spitefulness towards the person or persons that my jealousy is directed to - by never having questioned this experience of jealousy as a reaction to seeing other women and so never having seen, realized or understood that I react with jealousy when I see an expression within another being that I have suppressed within myself and so I am in fact seeing a part of my beingness represented by and within another being and within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy I am in fact suppressing this expression within myself even more by deliberately distracting my attention away from the reality of myself as the fact and the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that specific expression within and as myself and that I have thus made myself within and as myself 'inferior' to myself, by then directing all my anger as a reaction to this inferiority that I have created within myself to and towards this other person that is a representation for me of an expression of myself that I have suppressed within and as myself - and therein not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact thus attacking this expression within myself as represented by this being, and thus perpetuating this vicious cycle of self-suppression
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I react with jealousy towards another person in my mind - I am actually attacking a part of myself as a specific expression that I am seeing projected within and represented by this person and I am within that reaction thus suppressing that expression within and as myself - and thus in fact fueling this experience and reaction of jealousy within myself even more as I continue suppressing that expression within and as myself and then projecting it outwards into and within other people
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other people by using them within my mind to create an excuse for myself to distract my attention away from the fact that I have suppressed specific expressions within and of myself by having projected those expressions within other people and then reacting to them in my mind with jealousy and so creating the illusion that this expression 'them' and not 'me' because I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to take responsibility for myself and to actually correct that relationship with myself by developing and nurturing and discovering those expressions of myself that other people are now showing to me within and as my world and reality --- and therein thus using the emotional reaction of jealousy coming up within myself as a tool for myself to be able to recognize and detect the specific expressions that I have suppressed within myself and so to know which expressions I must thus nurture and develop within myself and so give to myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed jealousy to exist within and as myself in my relationship with other beings as myself - as an attack towards other people as myself wherein I am creating absolute separation within and as myself as life by not honouring, respecting and valuing the life and expression of life within and as another and so within and as myself in oneness and equality as the realization and insight that another is myself and what I see within another and what I am reacting to as another is in fact myself
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand what I am actually doing to myself as a being when and as I accept and allow myself to experience jealousy and define myself within and as the experience of jealousy towards another person -- which is that I am depleting, limiting and diminishing myself as my expression and beingness within and as myself by reacting emotionally to the expression that I see within another and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that reaction to another person's expression, I am actually reacting to my own expression and therein keeping my expression suppressed and keeping myself within and as an internal experience of inferiority
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a resistance in relation to taking responsibility for the fact that I have suppressed my expression within and as myself and so correcting that internal relationship with myself - and then from that resistance, go into my mind and create an excuse for myself to not take that responsibility for that relationship that I have created with myself within and as myself by then projecting those expressions that I have suppressed within myself onto other beings and the react emotionally within and as jealousy to those beings -- wherein I am then separating myself even further from my own internal expression as I keep on diverting my attention away from who I actually am within and as myself by placing it within other people and my emotional reactions to 'other people' - rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that those apparent 'other people' are really just parts of myself that I have not yet accepted and embraced within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to the experience and reaction of jealousy when and as it comes up within myself by first of all reacting to the experience of jealousy and the secret spiteful backchat connected it, with wanting to suppress this experience because I have judged it within my mind as 'bad' and 'negative' and because I don't want to see or accept myself as 'bad' or 'negative' and so I will also not want to accept the mind-construct of jealousy -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only reason why I experience resistance and why I go into a reaction of suppression in relation to the emotional experience of jealousy is because of the fact that I have separated myself from this specific mind-construct by having judged jealousy as something 'bad', and that the experience and mind-construct of jealousy in itself isn't actually really 'bad' or 'negative', as it is a part of myself within and as the mind that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the pattern of self-victimization that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in relation to specific emotional experiences and thoughts that I have defined as 'negative' and 'bad' such as 'jealousy', eventually even go into an emotional experience of giving up as a result of fighting and resisting the experience of jealousy within myself from the starting point of not wanting to be honest with myself and accept the reality of myself as how I exist within and as my mind - and thus within that point of giving up essentially make a statement that I am not taking any responsibility for my own internal reality and for the fact that I am deliberately creating a friction and conflict within myself and so eventually a giving up because I am simply not willing to accept and embrace and stand one and equal with the mind-construct of jealousy within myself
When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself as a reaction to a specific expression that I am seeing within another person, wherein I see myself going into a secret space inside of myself wherein I participate within emotional experiences of hate, spitefulness, resentment and anger towards this individual as a projection of them in my mind, accompanied by and connected to secret backchat wherein I try to look for ways to diminish them and make them inferior within my mind, to try and make myself feel powerful - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to and what triggered and activated the reaction of jealousy within myself is that when I saw this specific individual with my eyes I was confronted with a specific expression that I am seeing within them that I am actually suppressing and judging within and as myself and within and as the reaction of jealousy towards this individual I am in fact deliberately diverting my attention away from this relationship of suppression and judgment that I have created within myself in relation to that specific expression within and of myself because I don't really want to take responsibility for myself and actually face my suppressions and judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself
So within this I see, realize and understand that the solution for the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy towards other people - is to take responsibility for the suppressions and judgments as self-limitations that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in relation to specific aspects, parts and expressions of myself and to find a way to correct this relationship with myself and therein give myself those specific expressions that I experience jealousy towards, within and as the realization that the reaction of jealousy is in fact just me not being honest with myself about the fact that the expression that I am seeing within the person that I feel jealous of is in fact a part of myself and that within and as the reaction of jealousy I am in fact deliberately separating myself from that expression within and of myself
Where, I see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to react within jealousy towards another person and a specific expression that I see within them, and I thus accept and allow myself to go into an 'attack' of that expression by participating in all sorts of hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat and experiences -- that I am therein in fact attacking myself as that expression within and as myself by not seeing, realizing and understanding that the expression that I am seeing within that individual is something that actually does exist within me, I have just never allowed myself to access it as myself and express it within and as myself -- because I have accepted and allowed this vicious cycle to exist within myself where I am constantly attacking my own expression by attacking the expression of other people by reacting within and as jealousy in my mind
And so I commit myself to find and detect and define those expressions that I have suppressed and judged within and as myself through for instance using the experience of jealousy as a tool - where, when I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself, I step back within myself and I investigate what the expression is exactly that I am reacting to as that is the expression that I must discover, develop and explore within myself and so give to myself -- wherein thus I take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as myself and for the suppressions and the judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself and to interfere with and sabotage my relationship with myself and my self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance
And so within this I commit myself to develop self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance within and as myself in my relationship to myself - by developing those expressions in my relationship with other people through for instance not accepting and allowing myself to go into or define myself within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy and so not accept and allow myself to participate in hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat or experiences in relation to other people - as I see, realize and understand that whatever I think and experience towards another, is what I am doing to myself within and as myself
When and as I see myself going into a reaction of self-victimization to the emotional experience and backchat of jealousy in relation to specific people in my world and reality - where I start trying to suppress and fight that experience of jealousy within myself because I believe that it is a 'bad' experience and that I shouldn't be experiencing jealousy because I don't want to be seen as or see myself as a 'bad' person - I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that this experience of jealousy within myself is not 'bad' or 'negative' and that, if anything, this negatively charged energetic experience within myself of 'jealousy' is a tool that I can use to assist and support myself in my process of developing and expanding and exploring myself as a being because I realize, see and understand that when I go into an experience of jealousy towards someone then that is an indicator that there is an expression within myself that I am suppressing and not giving to myself and I am now seeing that expression within this individual and is thus an opportunity for myself to explore how I can develop and nurture that specific expression within and as myself
And I see, realize and understand that as long as I am judging jealousy as something 'bad' and as long as I am fighting and suppressing the mind construct of jealousy within myself - I am actually making it something consequential because now -- because I am not embracing and accepting jealousy within myself, I can also not direct it or redefine it or use it within my process of self-realization --- which means that this jealousy experience will actually start to have control and power over me and I am thus essentially making it into the 'monster' that I initially feared and believed it to be
So I commit myself to correct and transform this self-victimization pattern within and as myself in relation to emotional experiences such as jealousy - by first of all not accepting or allowing myself to go into or participate within any judgment to and towards what is going on in my own mind and to rather stand within and as self-honesty in relation to my mind in simply realizing and understanding that everything in my mind is me and that if I judge anything in my mind then it's like I am making the statement that that specific part of and in my mind that I am judging is not just 'me' but is somehow another kind of definition of either being 'good' or 'bad' or 'right' or 'wrong' or 'positive' or 'negative' -- which will then spark the victimization character within and as myself because obviously I don't want to be a 'bad' person so then I will start fighting and resisting and suppressing those parts within and of myself that I have judged as being 'bad', 'wrong' and 'negative'
So I mean, within this I see, realize and understand that I am not a 'bad' person and that nothing in my mind is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' - and that in fact all of who I am within and as my mind is just 'me', is just different parts of myself that I have separated from myself over time exactly by participating in judgment towards myself and towards other humans within and as this world and reality
Where I see, realize and understand that in fact nothing and no one in this world is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' and that, just like who I am within myself and how I exist within and as myself, everything and every being in this world exist as an accumulated consequence of how we as humans have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves in the within and without of ourselves throughout time and that as long as I am judging anything that exist in this world within and without of myself, I will never be able to correct or change or find solutions for the problems that I am facing in this world and in myself