Why Do I Always Feel Left Out?
Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time
Here and which I have found to be quite an effective approach to actual self-change -- this because of it's structured step-by-step design that provides a 'platform' within using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and that, I find, gives the mind less 'freedom' to sabotage this process with preprogrammed structures/patterns of thoughts and energies to direct and guide me away from the process that I had set out for myself to walk.
This New Journey opened up in a moment where I found myself feeling overwhelmed by emotional experiences, to the point of physically starting to cry, triggered by a specific pattern of backchat that came up in my mind and that I had been investigating within my writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements for - and of which i thought, or rather hoped, that I had stopped it never to return again. And here it was coming up in my mind as these automatic backchats and reactions that i saw myself accessing - and while i was witnessing myself going into it, i simultaneously thought 'no, i have walked this point, why is this still coming up - this isn't me!'. Then while i was trying to stabilize myself and breathe through it, up came the tears, which has also been part of this specific program that i have accepted and allowed myself to integrate within my mind and physical body as a reactive pattern to a specific situation - so, it was like the program was just running itself, playing out within my mind and physical experience and expression, and i was standing on the sideline within myself watching it happen, feeling absolutely powerless towards what is going on within my own mind and physical body.
Then, when i came to the conclusion within my mind that 'this pattern is STILL here' - the thought- and emotional pattern changed/transformed into a pattern of self-defeat and a 'giving up' --- wherein, it felt as though all this time, i had been walking around trying to 'keep it together', trying to 'be stable', fighting and battling backchat and energies that are coming up within my mind -- and now in this one moment i couldn't anymore and i just 'gave up' on all of it, on process, on myself, because, according to my thoughts 'i can't do this' and 'i'll never be able to do this'. But I mean, this is a structure of backchat, energy and behavior that my mind is coming up with and that can influence and direct me only because i have given my mind the freedom to do that - because i have not stood as my own structure and platform within the process of self-change that i am walking. I had not given myself structure - all I did was apply the tools here and there and hoped that it would 'just go away' -- but i haven't actually walked a real practical structured process wherein I stand as the directive principle and where I create the Change within and as myself, I make the change happen by giving myself structure and direction --- in the same way that the mind has been deciding who i am through giving me a specific structure and direction (that isn't necessarily what is best for me).
Thus, the emotional reaction of giving up to the activation of this specific construct and program within my mind, showed me that i have been accepting and allowing energy to accumulate within and as this construct/program to the point where i am now feeling completely powerless in relation to it --- and thus also showing that i had in fact not been applying myself from the starting point of actually changing myself within and as this specific construct/program of the mind - because i did not walk a consistent process of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction as a real, practical application of self-directed and self-willed self-change.
Thus, the first step within this process of practically and realistically changing this construct/program within and of the mind that i am dealing with here, is to investigate, define and lay out the 'technical/structural details' of how it works and functions within and as my mind.
Here, upon investigating what it was that activated and came up in my mind when looking back within my memories at the moment that triggered the specific construct/program - what i found, was that i was seeing a specific image/scene play out within my environment, wherein i saw one woman approaching another woman and i observed how they started to talk about things among the two of them -- in response to which then within my mind, specific thoughts popped up that went along the lines of:
"I am being excluded from their conversation"
"they are talking amongst themselves and i am not a part of that"
"they probably don't want me to be part of their conversation"
To which then within myself, I reacted within an energetic experience of inferiority and loneliness -- after which, this specific backchat ran through my mind that said:
"other people are always together and i am always alone"
"why can't i also have and experience that togetherness that they have"
"Why do I never get that kind of attention"
"Why can't I ever get what I want"
Attached to these specific backchat statements were emotional experiences of anger and despair. And from this experience of Anger, which was essentially an experience of powerlessness, and despair - I eventually went into the physical act of crying, essentially within my mind going "poor me, it's so sad that this is happening to me", "I am such a victim to these thoughts and experiences within myself" -- wherein i am in fact stating that i am giving my power away to this specific program and construct of thoughts, backchat and emotional reactions within and as my mind, by defining myself within and as this 'character' of 'the victim' and the emotional experience of self-pity.
Having now identified the components within and of this specific experience as the thoughts, backchat and emotional reactions that came up within myself as a response to a specific event in my world and reality - I then had a look at how this specific backchat of 'feeling left out' and 'feeling alone', connected with a negative energetic experience of inferiority, sadness and anger, exists as the negative polarity point within a specific construct and program that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in my mind. I thus investigated where in myself in relation to my world and reality i am in fact defining myself within and as the positive polarity in which i am generating positive energy within myself in relation to specific thoughts and backchat in my mind pertaining my relationship with the people in my world and reality.
And what i found was that what i have accepted and allowed to exist within my mind is an energetic polarity construct/program/system wherein, on the one hand, i am generating a lot of positive energy through thinking about and imagining and desiring a specific relationship, wherein i have basically projected experiences of affection, love, acceptance, intimacy and closeness that i believe to be lacking in my relationships with other people in my world and reality. However, within this, what I realized is that, how this polarity is set up - where on the one hand i feel and experience absolute separation between myself and the people in my world and reality, and on the other hand i desire absolute togetherness, connection and unity within this specific image in my mind of for instance being in a relationship with a partner, kissing, hugging, going out together and having sex - is that it is like i have taken all of my 'resources', and i have placed and channeled all of 'who i am' within this desire to have and experience being in a relationship, having a partner -- and experiencing that specific image in my imagination, which i have defined within ideas and experiences of 'intimacy', 'affection', 'love' and 'acceptance', and have been entertaining in my mind through the generation of lots of positive energy - because that is what has basically been running in the background in my mind, as my 'secret desire' that i am actually constantly - consciously and/or subconsciously - preoccupied with.
So, by placing all this value within this onedimensional image within my mind of having a specific relationship with a specific person, i have essentially 'de-valued' all of the other people in my immediate physical environment and my relationships with them - as i am not actually getting to know them and i am not actually really interested in them -- all that i am really interested in is that one person/individual in my imagination that i desire having a specific relationship with, so that i can experience all of those positive feelings and experiences that i have connected with that image within myself.
Then consequentially i will experience a 'separation' and a 'disconnection' within myself between myself and the people that i see in my immediate physical environment, and i will feel 'lonely' within myself - because in fact i have not given any real attention or made any real effort to 'connect' or communicate with them. Within this, interestingly enough, i will also not recognize or see the 'affection', 'togetherness', 'love' or 'acceptance' that potentially exists within those real physical connections and relationships with the people in my physical environment that is in fact right here in front of me - because i am looking and searching for 'affection', 'love' and 'acceptance' somewhere in an image in my mind, where i believe that 'affection/love/acceptance' means 'to be held by a partner in a romantic way' or 'to kiss passionately' or 'to lie in bed naked together' or 'to look deep in each others eyes and say "I love you darling"' -- wherein i have created this idea within my mind that 'affection can only be experienced in that specific way', not realizing that within this idea i am in fact completely separating myself from ever being able to see and realize the affection/love/togetherness/acceptance that is already Here, within the simple physical relationships with the people in my immediate environment.
This is thus the basic layout and 'technical properties' of this specific construct that is the foundational platform for this emotional experience within myself of 'feeling left out' and 'feeling alone, lonely and rejected' when being in a group of people - where, as i can see within my writings, this specific emotional experience is part of a 'construct'/'program' within my mind wherein various points hold each other in place -- such as the desire for a positive experience of affection, love and connection within and as a specific image in my mind, holds in place the negative experience within myself of feeling lonely, left out and rejected in relation to the people in my immediate physical environment.
This was then the first step/phase in this step-by-step process/program that i am walking of actual practical self-change within and as a specific emotional experience and energetic construct and preprogrammed pattern that i have identified within myself to be in fact an obstacle within my day to day living and interaction with my environment --- wherein i have in fact been sabotaging myself within my potential and ability to express and expand myself within and through my interaction and communication with my direct physical world and reality.
In the next blog i will be looking at how to apply the next step/phase within this process of taking the concept of 'change' in relation to this specific construct and program within my mind into practical application.