This is a Continuation of "2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - Part 2" and of the process that I am currently walking to Change a Fear Reaction towards a person in my environment, through taking specific steps wherein I specifically use the tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction. These steps is what I am laying out within my writing where I walk through how specifically I have applied the tools in practically and effectively changing a fear reaction towards a person in my environment in real time.
The steps that I have taken so far, that lead me up to part/step 3, is in part 1 where I shared the initial process of identifying the experience and the thoughts that I had built up within myself towards this person over time, through using the tool of writing -- where I then took the information within my writing to a practical real-time application of self-forgiveness (which you can read more about in the blog about part 1). Where, within this first step, I uncovered and realized how the initial experience/reaction of fear towards this individual was hiding specific personal judgments that I had created within my mind towards them - and so, by diffusing those judgments within myself, the experience of fear within myself also diffused for a great part.
In Part/Step 2 I firstly checked how I was experiencing myself in relation to this person so that I could see where and how I had already changed my reactions through applying the tools - and secondly, I investigated the reactions that I could identify within myself, through specifically looking at the thoughts that would come up after I had been around them physically and then incorporate those findings within the application of written self-forgiveness (the specifics of which you can read in the blog about Part 2). After this step - where I uncovered a Personality-system within myself that constituted a separation within myself between myself and this person in the form of an experience of fear, and where I walked through this personality-system within the written application of self-forgiveness and self-commitment/self-corrective statements - again I could see how my reaction to this person when I was in her presence had changed from an experience of tension and anxiety to a more comfortable experience of myself. And this because, I had corrected myself within how I had defined her within my mind, through the eyes of the personality-system - where how I saw her now was more based on the actual reality of who she is as a being, where I saw that there really is nothing to fear in fact and that the emotional experience of fear, tension and anxiety around her was all self-created.
Now, here within this Third phase/step within this process of Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - what I did after the second step was again check myself within how I am experiencing myself in the presence of this individual, to see if and how I have changed and if essentially the self-forgiveness and self-corrective process within my writing has been effective. And what I found was that the point that was there previously at the starting point of the experience of fear, was clear within myself now, because I had opened it up sufficiently within my writing to the point where I could see how it exist within myself and stand in a position within myself in relation to it where it does not direct and decide who I am in moments where I am in the presence of this person anymore.
However within investigating myself in relation to this person in self-honesty, I could see how there was no 'absolute' clarity, meaning that there was still 'something' there --- as a layer underneath the two first layers that I had uncovered and walked through. This new layer, I investigated specifically through looking into what memories exist within my mind that I have subconsciously associated with this person --- where thus, every time that I see her, I will react to her based on how I reacted and experienced myself within the memories that I have associated with her in my mind - which thus basically means that I am not even seeing her as who she actually really is, I am seeing my own mind as subconscious memories.
I will not be sharing the entirety of my writing here, only the information that I used within my self-forgiveness process - which is the specific memories and the experience of myself within them, that would automatically, subconsciously come up within my mind every time that I saw person X and which are the key points that were necessary to address within the application of self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective action because they are the points within myself wherein I can change who I am in my relationships to/with the people in my immediate environment.
So, within the memories that I had accepted and allowed to direct and determine my experience to and towards person X - I was experiencing myself as inferior towards specific girls in school, where I desired to be friends with them because I saw that they would get more attention from males than I did --- where I then completely compromised my entire expression to exist solely for the purpose of 'becoming their friend' and 'being part of their circle of friends', essentially thus manipulating them to be able to get what I want from them.
In a nutshell, this is the specific information from my writing that I incorporated within my Self-Forgiveness process - from the starting point of 'deactivating'/'deprogramming'/'diffusing' this experience within myself of inferiority towards person X, through investigating who I was within the memories, and correcting myself within the memories, and so correcting myself within and as who I am HERE, in relation to person X and other people in my environment that I would also subconsciously associate with those memories in my mind.
This process of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction that I have walked in writing - I will share Here at the bottom of this blog. So, within this phase/step, I have peeled of a third layer of information that constituted a specific experience of Fear towards a person in my environment and have again cleared up and stabilized the experience of and within myself towards this person in my environment on a deeper level. Were now, in the next blog, I will continue walking this process of reporting and sharing how I am practically changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time and how I have been able to correct who I am within and as the experience of myself towards a specific individual in my environment and thus within this relationship, have stood up within and as myself as the directive principle of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’ from myself by projecting it within the image and concept of ‘friendship’ and ‘best friends’ and ‘inner circle’ and ‘Companionship’/’Kinship’, such as the image of the popular girls forming a closed group of ‘best friends’ – and to therein have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must have this ‘friendship’-experience, that I must have ‘best friends’ and be part of and accepted into a closed group of special people, in order to be able to experience ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that within this, I have in fact sabotaged myself extensively within ever experiencing real acceptance and belonging by not having realized acceptance and belonging as one and equal with myself, within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, no matter which social group I would ‘belong’ to or how many ‘best friends’ I had – despite of the idea and belief that ‘I belong’ in that group within my mind, I would still always feel very alone and separate within myself --- because I had never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that real acceptance and belonging cannot exist if and when it does not exist within myself as a living expression of who I am as life
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that by having accepted and allowed the desire to experience ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’, within and as the image/idea of ‘friendship’ and ‘companionship’/’kinship’ – I had accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest a polarity within myself, where I would see the experience of ‘acceptance’ and ‘belonging’ as a positive experience outside of myself within the image of ‘friends’/’friendship’/’groups’, and then see the experience of rejection as a negative experience inside of myself within the ‘aloneness’/’darkness’ of myself --- instead of standing one and equal with acceptance and belonging and therein see, realize and understand that ‘aloneness’ is one and equal with ‘togetherness’, and rejection is one and equal with acceptance and belonging --- and I am All as One as Equal as life within and as myself